Ancient old glamourpuss

Tonight, the final six com­pete! You don’t say. It’s prob­a­bly even less excit­ing than it sounds. WHO will win my vote? (Nobody!) THIS is American Idol!

Idol is doing its part for Earth Day by using Green Power in the finale. You mean Scritti Politti’s going to be there?!

I like how Ryan has to ask the audi­ence to “keep the noise going” before intro­duc­ing the con­tes­tants. Ugh, Lord, no. By which I mean Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, YES! I mean actu­ally, no. Chris: “Ha! He’s funny lookin’!” LALW: “I’m a com­poser, all right?” Tremendous. “I’m your ser­vant.” Whoa! We’re sto­ry­telling tonight. Words words words! Chris: “It’d be fun­nier if it was Terry Jones doing an imper­son­ation of him.” I believe that to be true!

Once again, tonight is the TOUGHEST NIGHT OF THE SEASON! or so Randy says. I’ve checked out in my mind already. And out of my mind. The con­tes­tants need to be mem­o­rable! (No shit!) And con­tem­po­rary! And col­or­ful! I can safely say if it’s not from Evita or Jesus Christ Superstar, I prob­a­bly won’t know it.

ai08_syesham.jpgLet’s get this one over with. Finally, she can show per­son­al­ity, thanks to this cheesy theme! Uh. Wow. That’s sad. The words “musi­cal the­ater” are uttered. She looks like she has a Gremlin head on. Way to miss your cue!!! I don’t know this song. It’s appar­ently from Starlight Express. I must shake my head in won­der. Her boobs are squished in a gross, floppy way. Prop dancer! WTF? Ohhhhh this is corny corny corny bad, I mean CORNY DELICIOUS like DELICIOUS CORN. Did she for­get the words and repeat the same thing over and over? That’s what it sounded like. BRILLIANT and INNOVATIVE. Randy says she could have a Broadway career. I would take that as an insult. Paula says it’s her happy place, Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber! Eew, Simon says “sexy.” He under­stands that “Broadway star” is not a com­pli­ment. That was RICKEY MINOR! danc­ing? Yaaagh. I mean OMG that was the most tremen­dous two min­utes of enter­tain­ment I have ever had the plea­sure of being enter­tained by! Exclams!!!

ai08_jasonc.jpgJason is not aware of the works from which these songs orig­i­nate. He says he is embar­rassed by that. He should not be. Ugh, “Memory.” LALW thinks Jason kinda under­stood it, maybe. Jason: “I didn’t know a cat was sin­gin’ it.” LALW pro­claims this a brave choice! LALW seems per­plexed by this entire enter­prise. Mood light­ing! White suit! This is like “Hallelujah” Part II. It’s kind of weird! EMOTING!!!! If you touch him, you’ll under­stand what hap­pi­ness is. Randy says “train­wreck” and “not your thing, dude” and “too much melody.” Paula says he is not a female power bal­ladeer, and this fur­ther iden­ti­fies his unique being as an artist. Simon says it’s a democ­racy and peo­ple have a choice and peo­ple shouldn’t vote for this. Rosalyn Sanchez vio­lently dis­ap­proves of that advice!

ai08_brookew.jpgUgh, “You Must Love Me.” Nothing like hitch­ing your wagon to a half-​assed after­thought cre­ated expressly for Oscar con­sid­er­a­tion! LAWL believes she doesn’t have a clue what she’s singing about until he tells her what she’s singing about. This is one of the most pow­er­ful moments she’s expe­ri­enced on this show, she declares. Nice false start, pro­fes­sional. She’s sorry! I hope she has a Nellie McKay/​Cat Power-​style break­down on this stage some­day. If she makes it past this week, oh-​ho! I’ve never liked this song. Man, she looks angry! We MUST love her! MUST!!!! Randy over­looks the false start, but Paula does not! In a big way! Uncomfortable silence! You must never stop and start! Simon: “quite uncom­fort­able.” Rick Schroeder approves! Chris: “At least she shut up while the judges were talking.”

ai08_davida.jpgRyan allows David to be man­han­dled by young girls. This is appar­ently a Phantom song for a girl. LALW says we should all be say­ing bravo! His two pieces of advice are to are to keep his eyes open and to keep his eyes open. Chris and I enjoy this a great deal. We think it’s “More Than Words” when it starts. You can see him totally strug­gling to keep his eyes open. Those BEADY LITTLE EYES. This is totally 98˚ or, dare I say, O-​Town. Randy says it was the bomb, this dude is the one to beat! Paula says it was per­fect and that he is quite able. Simon: “one of your weak­est” and “for­get­table.” He’s try­ing to get that creepy stage dad riled up. Paul Stanley approves!

ai08_carlys.jpgLAWL says she has a big girl chest voice. Well, yes. He wisely steers her from a crap bal­lad to “Superstar,” if only for my unin­ten­tional enjoy­ment. JUDAS. Bombastic! Seizure light­ing! RICKEY MINOR DANCING! I’ll over­look the hor­ri­ble parts of this to be like, OK, at least she’s doing a song that is appro­pri­ate for scream­ing. Her glit­ter eye­liner is dis­tract­ing. JUDAS. Randy is all like what­ever. Paula likes it. Simon likes it. She’s so happy! She needs to keep her mouth shut when she’s happy, ack, she looks like a snake unhing­ing its jaw. She some­how has a “Simon Likes Me” T-​shirt at the ready. That seems pre­sump­tu­ous. She pro­ceeds to drape it over her boobs and they all go boing boing boing boing. She knows her strengths. Her two strengths.

ai08_davidc.jpgWe hear the words “Music of the Night” and we both have to take a moment to fall out laugh­ing and then try to stop our­selves from laugh­ing. The sec­ond part is very dif­fi­cult. Raw pas­sion! Look deeply into Lord Andrew’s eyes! Let your soul take you where you long to be! Oh wow this is soooo lame I mean it is the BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. Why is he using his mic like he is eat­ing an ice cream cone? Look at that! I’m not kid­ding, right? Ugh, STOP LOOKING AT ME. Did LALW neglect to tell him to keep his eyes open? He’s either got his eyes shut or he’s STARING at me. I mean really, that is just creepy. Creepily ATTRACTIVE AND AWESOME and drippy and gross I mean THE MOST FANTABULOUS PROGRESSIVE INTERPRETATION EVER TO GRACE THE WORLD OF MUSICAL THEATER. Randy says dude, molten hot lava bomb tonight! Paula says this song just proved more and more that he is so well-​rounded as a per­former with a beau­ti­ful instru­ment. Simon says it is too rounded off, so every­one is think­ing “round.” Is it David’s ellip­ti­cally shaped head? That must be what is inspir­ing it. Wow, it is like twice as big as Ryan’s head. That is so creepy. I mean it is a CLEAR INDICATION of his GIANT BRAIN of GENIUS.

Was it just me, or did you hear peo­ple laugh­ing hys­ter­i­cally dur­ing David C.‘s recap? Hahahaha. I mean HOW DARE THEY!!!!!

Chris: “In honor of Earth Day, are you recy­cling any jokes?”

4 comments to Ancient old glamourpuss

  • pieman

    This show was mind-​numbing. So mind-​numbing, my wife boy­cotted the show by chat­ting on-​line with a friend and fre­quently ask­ing “does it look as bad as it sounds?” I could only respond with “you need to see it to believe it.“
    I’ve been root­ing for Jason for a few weeks now, but that was just piti­ful. I didn’t know it was sung by a cat? It’s from “Cats.” Aren’t they all cats? I don’t know, but I thought they were.
    We got a good long view of Carly’s hus­band tonight from the tat­too side and between all that ink and Carly’s snake jaw (good one, Kim), they are going to have car­ni­val babies.
    Nice Scritti Politti ref­er­ence, too.
    I think Syesha, Brooke and Jason are the bot­tom three with Syesha check­ing out. I guess this every week and some­day soon I will be correct!

  • jane

    Can I just admit that I voted for Jason like 20 times last night because I don’t want to lose him now? He’s got to get through some­how. I mean, after I cast 900 votes for Carly and David Cook, of course. If only The One With the Head (TM, my mom) had worn the mask while doing his sad Michael Crawford imper­son­ation, I’d have made it 9,000 votes.
    Brooke not talk­ing was some­thing to give thanks for, but even her face was mak­ing me angry. I’ve had it with her. I hate it all! But I love to read this.

  • pieman

    Jane is right, you know. This recap is a bazil­lion times more enter­tain­ing than the actual show. I so look for­ward to this every Wednesday and Thursday morn­ing. I think at this point I am only watch­ing the show so I know what you’re talk­ing about.

  • Kim

    Aww!!! I’m sorry we couldn’t save Carly this week after work­ing so hard. Now we’ll have to make sure we work extra hard next week for David C.! And Syesha! And Brooke and her face-​making face!!!