This show is so tight

Can you believe it’s down to five? Will this show be over fast enough? Rita Wilson doesn’t think so! THIS is American Idol!

Simon is expos­ing way too much chest hair. Syesha looks about 40. OH NO every­one is doing two songs tonight. Sweet Jesus be a DVR outage.

Tonight is Neil Diamond night, which means it’s any ordi­nary night at any karaōke bar on any given day. Neil Diamond’s career is ASTONISHING and RELENTLESS. He looks remark­ably good! Jason looks down­right tick­led to shake his hand. Brooke can’t stop talk­ing at him. What a surprise.

ai08_jasonc.jpgJason pos­sesses Neil’s kind of instru­ment! This young man is for­ever in blue jeans. True dat. All the ladies go squeal! He’s a good time guy full of good times and good feel­ings for good peo­ple who enjoy good times and good feelings.

ai08_davidc.jpgOh look, he has the AC from the AC/​DC logo on his jacket and his ini­tials are DC and it’s like some kind of ROCK AND ROLL REBUS. GET IT?! He gave Neil goose­bumps, just like the ones you get when you have the flu and you are fix­ing to vomit. He’s alive! Alive with douchey fla­vor. Could he enun­ci­ate any less? Does he think that’s cool? Someone needs to tell him it’s not cool, because it’s totally not cool.

ai08_brookew.jpgShe’s going to play two instru­ments! She’s a believer. Those are some shiny mom jeans. They bring out her crow’s feet. What the … oh. Oh my God. What. What the. Oh my God. Are we at the county fair? WTF?! Nice Farfisa. This is seri­ously maybe hon­estly one of the worst things I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard Diana DeGarmo. She looks com­pletely ter­ri­fied by her hor­ri­ble­ness and totally hor­ri­fied by her ter­ri­ble­ness. Smile that plas­tic smile! She’s lucky she’s not being judged imme­di­ately after this!

ai08_davida.jpgRyan implores us to own a piece of Archuleta. No! Oh man, he’s picked like the two most obvi­ous cheesy-​ass things avail­able. Sweet Caroline, I don’t know how your melody goes so I just make that shit up! Good times never seemed so yagh. Bill Cosby on the trom­bone, ladies and gen­tle­men. Nice Jailhouse Rock out­fit. Hip shak­ing! I’m fright­ened! There’s some­thing down­right Logginsesque about this entire undertaking.

ai08_syesham.jpgSyesha says hel­looooooooooo. Groan. Neil wants to touch her body! Hello again, hello. I vote no. Seriously, how many decades has she aged in six days? That cen­ter part does her no favors. Prop sit­ting! No shoes again this week for all the pervs with tele­phones and text mes­sag­ing capa­bil­i­ties. Helloooo, my friend, I am over­singinnnnnnnng. Hello again, hell–nooooooo!

Paula pro­ceeds to take her crazy game to new heights by tak­ing most of the “quick review” time crit­i­ciz­ing both of Jason’s per­for­mances at length before some­one points out he’s only per­formed once. And then try­ing to play it off by say­ing Jason #2 was actu­ally David C. #1, which she reit­er­ates to be some­thing com­pletely dif­fer­ent from what she orig­i­nally said for Jason #2. I think I may have to be done with this show. Soon.

ai08_jasonc.jpgSeptember Morn! Stay with us a while, Jason, we only want to talk to you and watch you make faces behind Ryan’s back and smack your­self in the face for being a bone­head. Prop sit­ting! Prop stand­ing! Seriously, some­one needs to make Sooner or Later II with this dude. Everyone is all like what­ever. (Chris: “Paula was right!”)

ai08_davidc.jpgAll he really needs is you! But he doesn’t really need any of us at all, hon­estly, remem­ber, ’cause he’s all totally above us and shit. Someone needs to make “Stop Snitching” shirts that instead read “Stop Smirking” and then wear them around him at all times. Just what we need, another Lifehouse! Try enun­ci­at­ing every once in a while dude, damn. He plays his gui­tar left-​handed, which makes him SINISTER. I just felt like throw­ing that in there. I’m not even going to bother with anyone’s com­ments because they’re all the same damn thing every week and who the F cares. I mean OH MY GOD I JUST SAW JESUS AND HIS NAME IS DAVID COOK THE MUSICIAN AND PERFORMER CURRENTLY SEEN ON AMERICAN IDOL ONLY ON FOX.

ai08_brookew.jpgShe is, she said! She is a lot of things. She’s caught between two coasts and mak­ing her way back from the palm trees of L.A. to … Arizona. Oh. OK. I’m lost and I can’t even say why. Well, I can say why but it goes with­out say­ing. The. HELL. Yeah like one minute or what­ever does this song jus­tice. Everyone likes it? I’m tired. I’m so very very tired.

ai08_davida.jpgThey’re comin’ to America! Chris is tak­ing him to task for his outfit’s lack of patri­o­tism. Remember when we were choos­ing our Neil Diamond songs and I picked this one because I have noth­ing but bad taste when it comes to Neil Diamond songs? Yeah, this song. Is he just kind of mak­ing up the melodies as he goes along now? I’m just won­der­ing. Paula: “I love you, I love you, you were bril­liant, have fun.” Wha—what?

ai08_syesham.jpgShe is going to thank the Lord for the night­time. Chris: “Thank the Lord the show is almost over.” Wow, this doesn’t sound hor­ri­bly dated or any­thing. This makes the Dreamgirls sound­track sound like some kind of future music from the future. Paula says that’s your you, your per­for­mance the­atri­cal place! Oh joy! I don’t even know if this is real or if I’m imag­in­ing this!

OK. Wow. I am so tired of this show. It is mak­ing me hate it so much, and not even the fun kind of hate but the awful kind of hate that makes me mis­er­able. I may not even care any­more. That’s not tight. I don’t think that’s tight.

3 comments to This show is so tight

  • pieman

    My wife also made the “Jailhouse Rock” com­ment for Creepy Little Dude.
    I am with you on the hatred for the show. For a while, it was fun-​loving dis­gust for the per­form­ers, but they turned it into some­thing more this week. Creepy sounds the same on every song and you put your fin­ger on it for me — he has no idea how the melody goes for any song. He makes it up.
    Retarded Groundhog hasn’t caught fire at our house so we’ve now got Creepy Little Bastard for Archuleta amd Creepy Bigger Bastard for Cook. We don’t know who is creepier, but there both in the run­ning for the title.
    Jason sucked this week, but at least he knew he sucked, so that’s why he gets my vote.
    And once again, Simon is cor­rect — Syesha will go home, despite being totally non-​descript in her singing.
    Didn’t Neil Diamond resem­ble Lord Lloyd Lord Webberness? Are they broth­ers or some­thing?
    Can we make it until the end? Maybe.

  • jane

    I didn’t even care enough to vote for Jason. I didn’t even hate this show enough to love it.
    Neil Diamond looks great and he is a nice man, but besides him, I hope this entire oper­a­tion some­how ceases to exist tonight.
    I’m also con­vinced that Paula Abdul went time trav­el­ing on pur­pose — it’s the top “news” story every­where today. Ugh.

  • Kim

    I’m tired of peo­ple think­ing that pre­tend­ing to be stu­pid is great for business.