A sits in a sow

I couldn’t bear to deal with this tonight as I’m not only deathly ill but also try­ing to fin­ish off Tony Fletcher’s Keith Moon biog­ra­phy (fab­u­lous) and am too dis­tracted by tales of the majesty and genius of real rock stars. Also, this makes David C.‘s sec­ond choice of song espe­cially painful. The great­est drum­mer in the his­tory of the uni­verse is about to croak and you give me THIS SHIT?!

Thankfully my bet­ter half has stepped up to take this task on with gusto!, and my detached view­ing expe­ri­ence allowed me to finally real­ize that David A. equals RANDY VANWARMER.

Tonight’s title is brought to you cour­tesy David C.‘s DYNAMIC lyri­cal trans­for­ma­tion of “Hungry Like the Wolf,” a crime far worse than Jason chok­ing on “jin­gle jan­gle morn­ing.” And remem­ber: Syesha in the top four is at least as impor­tant as the Civil Rights Movement! Enjoy!

Kim is very sick — or maybe sick from watch­ing me watch pri­mary results — and said I could fill in for her tonight. EVERYBODY LOSES — NEXT

Well, there’s only four and half of them are named David. Ryan tells us three have been #1 already — who could not have been #1? (Hint: RACISM + SEXISM) But enough of this fill in the blank style com­men­tary… THIS.….….….

…is aMER­i­can Idol!

Quick, back­stage dur­ing this animation!

Ryan emerges from the magic “The Price is Right” doors and promises that no mat­ter what, there’s only two weeks left of this crap this go round. Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi, judges!

Here now are YOUR TOP FOUR, America. You’d think that they’d have bet­ter peo­ple promis­ing bet­ter choices for their wardrobes, but only Syesha looks remotely “star.”

This week’s theme has some­thing to do with the Rock’n’Roll Hall of Fame. Not only was Ike Turner a noto­ri­ous wife beater, he also invented rock’n’roll (for the pur­poses of this montage)!

Rock’n’roll, we learn, was “rich cul­tural her­itage” which could only be pre­served by…Ahmet Ertegun? Sure, why not.

Elvis Presley was very famous!

How come the Top Four look bet­ter in this clip than they do on tonight’s show?

Mine is not to ask why, mine is to sol­dier on through eight songs. In a dra­matic switch, the judges will talk after EACH performance!

ai08_davidc.jpgDAVID COOK says we’ll get “Hungry Like the Wolf” with his own per­sonal changes and LIKE IT. When he stands it on his head, he does not lit­er­ally stand on his head, which I found a great dis­ap­point­ment. Kim is cov­er­ing her mouth to avoid spread­ing germs — and limit the hor­ror escap­ing from her throat. She’s also laugh­ing hys­ter­i­cally at what appar­ently is another expres­sion of hor­ror on MY face. He’s in touch with the ground! I think that’s what he said, any­way. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Why’s he try­ing so hard to look like Jamie Oliver, any­way? Randy says his song choice was “ok” with a “solid” per­for­mance but he’s look­ing for “mad hot” so I think “ok” won’t cut it. Paula’s got a big appetite after “Hungry Like the Wolf” — a big appetite for his pack­age, I guess. Simon pro­claims it “good enough to get through to next week” which is to say “surely bet­ter than Syesha will need to be later.” I did NOT see Cook put his palms together for a Steve Jobs-​esque “thankyou” but I didn’t have my eyes on him the whole time…

NEXT: Syesha!

American Idol is brought to you by FORD! PLAY ARTIST ZEBRA

So You Think You Can Sit Through Two Hours of “Dance” pre­miers soon!

Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? Not if you’re actu­ally watch­ing this show!

Ryan and the Coca-​Cola logo spend some time on stools with SYESHA! OMG she’s so excited about the upcom­ing tour! She can’t wait to meet her (appar­ently exis­tent) fans! Talk talk talk talk talk. Let’s find out what she’s singing.

ai08_syesham.jpgOf course, it’s PROUD MARY by Tina Turner. Everyone else has cov­ered it, so why CAN’T she? She’ll show us right now! In order to avoid com­par­isons to Tina, her dress is entirely too long and she com­pletely fails to leave pud­dles of her own sweat all over the stage. She also opts to sing “toot toot toot” dur­ing the break­down. This song doesn’t work so well as a 4″ edit. I believe that’s the tat­too and rack of Carly over the judges’ shoul­ders! I missed the judges’ com­ments but I believe they were entirely too kind. It’s up to Simon to save us — and here comes the slight damper: a bad, shrieky ver­sion — a bad imper­son­ation of Tina Turner. X gets the square. Randy offers that Louisiana and England means he and Simon are from dif­fer­ent places. It’s up to Simon to “keep it real.” Syesha’s hav­ing FUN! She will have FUN! cel­e­brat­ing her self home in 24!

Jason opens his mouth! David fails to show emo­tion of any kind! They’re NEXT!

There is an awe­some Jimmy Johns (in Japanese) ad dur­ing the local spot of this break, but you didn’t see it if you’re not in this mar­ket. Your loss, dude.

The Valley Fair ad is less awe­some. Back to the FFWD key!

Darlington Saturday Night NASCAR! Now we’re talk­ing!
iTunes is the place for tonight’s per­for­mances as well as those of Milo Turk (thanks Monitor commenter!)

Ryan hits on Carly…and con­vinces no one

ai08_jasonc.jpgJASON spends 45 min­utes telling us that he’s going to per­form Bob Marley’s “I Shot the Sheriff” and then spends 90 sec­onds remind­ing us that you can grow the longest dreads in the world but you’re still a white dude. Randy’s use of the word “karaōke” was a kind way of telling him he wasn’t black enough. Jason doesn’t care! Jason is prob­a­bly wish­ing he’d worn an Africa medal­lion. Paula didn’t like it but was happy he actu­ally per­formed to the audi­ence. Simon warns him to stand back, and then pro­claims it utterly atro­cious. The song shouldn’t be touched, ter­ri­ble arrange­ment, looks like a first round train­wreck, doesn’t know what he was think­ing. Jason: “I was think­ing Bob Marley!” Ryan asks Randy and Simon to twist the knife and they com­ply. Paula reit­er­ates that she’d like to have his baby if only she was phys­i­cally able. Syesha’s feel­ing better.

ai08_davida.jpgDAVID ARCHULETA is going to sing “Stand By Me” by “Benny King” — he’s always sung it to him­self when he was alone, under the cov­ers, so softly, so that his father wouldn’t come in with the belt. What the heck is with that T-​shirt? I believe it’s an actual pic­ture of doves cry­ing. Sadly, David does not aug­ment the instru­men­ta­tion with his own per­for­mance on tri­an­gle — I mean, if you’re gonna GO, go ALL THE WAY. I get that David devel­oped a great love of Wil Wheaton from watch­ing that movie and that’s how he came to love this song as well. I get that. He wants the beau­ti­ful girls to stand by him, but then he tries to sing in cas­trati land? That dad needs to take off his dad rac­ing cap. Ryan says it was so hot, dude, it was hot. Are the judges afraid of his dad, too? I can’t take all this ass kiss­ing. Save us, Simon. Another shot at Jason, wow get over it. He thinks he strug­gled near the end, but in the grand scheme of things, that’s prob­a­bly the best per­for­mance so far. David says their faces scare him. I think a lot of things scare him.

This is like a WWE Supershow — just when you think it’s over — it’s only half over. I bet you were won­der­ing what the over/​under was on me mak­ing a pro­fes­sional wrestling ref­er­ence. Everybody tries again after this break!

American Idol is brought to you by CRAPPY AT&T WIRELESS!
Kim has already pro­claimed her over­joyed­ness that she’s not writ­ing this sev­eral times. I think I need a present or something.

Ryan and Coca-​Cola sit Cook on the stool. He’s in his ele­ment this week! Coming up, pur­ple pota­toes with shallots!

ai08_davidc.jpgHis sec­ond song is “Baba O’Reilly” by The Who. He chose it because it’s the theme song of one of the shows in the “CSI” fran­chise. Wow, he’s tak­ing every­thing I love about this song and mak­ing sure it’s com­pletely gone from his ver­sion — that must be the COOK MAGIC. I dunno, when they’re cut to this length, you prob­a­bly shouldn’t sing them TWICE AS SLOW — oh wait, here we go with the speedup — what the hell? That was, like, two sec­onds of tease and then it was over. (Kim may find that famil­iar!) Randy says it’s great, Paula wants more Dave Cook (inside her), Simon wel­comes him back. In a sense, he’s right, wel­comening him back my friends to a show which never ends. Let’s take a quick break and then Syesha and Jason will see who REALLY wants to get gone!

It’s not danc­ing unless you’re prac­ti­cally naked! On FOX!

Rascal Flatts are in the house, wish­ing they’d picked a dif­fer­ent week to sit in the audi­ence! Get thy­self to iTunes and spend more money!

ai08_syesham.jpgSYESHA says A Change is Gonna Come, but unlike Sam Cooke, she’s going to be alive when she sings it! The Civil Rights Movement was, like, very impor­tant! And this song has, like, totally dif­fer­ent mean­ings or some­thing! We are blessed with an out­fit change! (If David changed beyond putting on that blazer I didn’t catch it.) I’m curi­ous to see whether Mercado wants to suck up to the foot fetish crowd for another week but the dress is too long for us to be sure. I dunno, I thought she sang it like she should have been sit­ting on the piano and pre­tend­ing to be Fantasia. Not that I spent a lot of time watch­ing Fantasia, either. Randy didn’t like this as much as the first one. He’s talk­ing long enough that I bet Carly has to adjust her top again. Paula stands and applauds. She just wants to hug her. She uti­lized every­thing she’d hope she’d use (I guess she IS bare­foot?) then makes her cry. Oh, for all the bla­tant emo­tional appeals for … for­tu­nately, Simon still has to talk. Oh, he “sur­prised” us by agree­ing with (dra­matic pause) Paula. It meant a lot to her! Tears in the cleav­age means a lot to ME! She spent a lot of time at the National Archives research­ing … oh, stop. When your makeup runs, you actu­ally look LESS BLACK. Randy says he’s TOO BLACK. Ryan says Hell’s Kitchen is gonna start — not soon enough!

ai08_jasonc.jpgIn deep trou­ble, JASON offers “Mr. Tambourine Man” by Bob Dylan. With any luck, he will NOT give a FUCK and per­form appro­pri­ately. Knowing that he must not dis­ap­point me, he com­pletely for­gets two bars dur­ing the cho­rus — but remem­bers it later. It might have been bet­ter if he’d adopted the William Shatner ren­di­tion, but that ver­sion prob­a­bly wasn’t on his iPod. Randy asks him to eval­u­ate him­self so he wouldn’t have to. Paula pro­claims that it is what it is, but he blows her (away). Simon tells Jason to pack his suit­case. This is prob­a­bly just a bril­liant move on Jason’s part to stay in the com­pe­ti­tion. That dude is CLEARLY a CRIMINAL MASTERMIND.

The end is in sight! One more from the chip­per­munchkin NEXT!

Adolescent insom­nia is on the rise! What can you do about it? (Tell them to stop watch­ing FOX Prime Time and get into the bed?) TONIGHT ON FOX AT 10

ACE YOUNG spe­cial guest corpse on BONES!!!!!!!!!!! (Who is Ace Young?)

Hell’s Kitchen REALLY IS NEXT

ai08_davida.jpgBut first, DAVID ARCHULETA picks “Love Me Tender” by Elvis Presley, because there’s noth­ing more appro­pri­ate for a boy of his age to sing. Let’s take a quick scarf count — ZERO. Well, that’s an F from me. At least this shirt is bet­ter than that first one…by which I mean it has more but­tons and less birds. Was this ver­sion in “Aladdin” or some­thing? Somewhere … out … there … yeah, it totally fits. Once again, gra­tu­itous falsetto at the end — why? I can­not say. I expect the judges won’t, either. Randy pro­claims him ten­der and caress­ing of each word. Hot vocal of the night! Paula felt his hard (when she held him close to her bosom). Simon says he didn’t just beat the com­pe­ti­tion, he crushed them. David can’t believe it! He never believes any­thing! Thank you! Thank you!

Recap of what we just saw. I hate to say it, but I think the peak was that wacky “Hungry Like the Wolf” — espe­cially given a sec­ond chance to see that very emo­tional lean-​in-​and-​LOOK. “They’re all WASTED!” Oh God, I really can’t take Syesha, I don’t care if she’s improved at all over the past how­ever many weeks, she’s awwwwwwwwww­ful. But that’s nice eye shadow and lip­stick! They wisely play the time Jason remem­bered the words. I sure wish Chikezie were here — that man could SING. Who will be the next Tamyra Gray or Daughtry? I bet if it’s Jason he will NOT be like them other folks! Jason salutes his shorts.

8:03 and we’re outta here — Hell’s Kitchen starts NOW.


I can usu­ally be found at the​-​w​.com when I’m not com­ment­ing here.

5 comments to A sits in a sow

  • No “Seacrest is WALKING” gag?
    I’m sorely dis­ap­pointed.
    And I really wanted to hear Brooke take on “Hungry Like a Wolf.”

  • pieman

    The guest appear­ance! I had almost for­got­ten how long and detailed a CRZ recap is. And you do deserve a present.
    I also think Jason is an evil genius. Why sing well and remem­ber the words when you do what he did and still win?!
    Favorite part of the show — Ryan shak­ing hands with one dude from Rascal Flatts, but leav­ing the guy next to him on the aisle just hang­ing! His hand was right there for the hand­shake and Ryan SNUBBED him!
    Ace Young = Jason Castro, just a dif­fer­ent sea­son of Idol.
    Why don’t you post this recap on the-​w? No cross-​pollination?
    Nice job, but I missed Kim. Sorry (said like Cowell).

  • tarnish

    CRZ is a recap super­star; but like Pieman, I missed Kim’s snark of doom.
    What trou­bles me most about last night’s show is that there are peo­ple out there who think that they saw good per­for­mances. MAYBE Syesha’s first one. Maybe.
    David C’s “Baba O’Reilly” was pos­si­bly the worst thing I’ve ever heard. It’s not that he slowed it down. It’s that he took a song that dri­ves for­ward by its very nature and sang BEHIND THE FUCKING BEAT. I’m so angry about this I could spit.
    It’s pos­si­ble that Jason is an evil genius. It’s also pos­si­ble that he thought he could “strip it down” and do some­thing “organic”. Even if he were capa­ble, the show itself will never let that hap­pen.
    And does David A have some sort of social dis­or­der? Or are we just wait­ing for that other nut to drop?

  • tammy

    EXCELLENT guest blogery!
    Has Archie just sang one song all sea­son? It sure sounds like it. But I’m sayin’ at this point, if he makes the finale he will win off the Turd Poilishing Contest that is the “Idol Original Song.” I mean, what­ever it is… “lift me up… wings… fly… wings to fly… wings to lift me up…” It’s got his name writ­ten all over it already. He must be stopped!

  • jane

    Clearly this is a beau­ti­ful special-​guest-​starring per­for­mance, for all the rea­sons every­one else noted, but also because it made me feel less insane. (And it is all about how I feel, after all.) Thank you, kind Mr. CRZ, for point­ing out the Ike Turner weird­ness. I mean, of course I was watch­ing that bit on FFWD, but it looked like they showed him 15 times in that mon­tage.
    PS Kim, I am so sorry for your sick.