idol

The real­ity is hard to swallow

Sue Simmons is gangsta. THIS is American Idol!

I thought last night I was just drunk enough to really get into the prospect of nine songs per­formed by three peo­ple whose exis­tence I can­not bear to acknowl­edge, but instead it turned out I was just drunk enough to know bet­ter. I’m sober tonight! I will live to regret this!

LET’S REWIND SHALL WE

Paula looks espe­cially adorable, sur­pris­ingly. At least this means I don’t have to nec­es­sar­ily do this chrono­log­i­cally or any­thing. Justin Guarini sighting!

I really want to smack all three of these con­tes­tants, hard. Marilu Henner vaguely approves! Tonight in the spirit of SWITCHING IT UP, instead of judges pick­ing songs for all three con­tes­tants (don’t they usu­ally? or am I crazy? well I know I’m crazy but), this time it’s one judge per con­tes­tant, then the pro­duc­ers pick some­thing for all of them, and then they choose some­thing for them­selves. If I were to choose, I would have selected “Rump Shaker” for David A., “I’m Henry VIII I Am” for David C. and NOTHING for Syesha as I do NOT want to hear her sing ONE MORE SONG EVER.

ai08_davida.jpg1) David’s home­town mayor got his mous­tache waxed up real nice and wore his best patri­otic dress shirt to tell him Paula has selected Billy Joel’s “And So It Goes” for him. I don’t know this song as Billy Joel is also some­one whose exis­tence I tend to deny, so I can’t tell you if he’s just mak­ing up the melody or not. I like that Members Only look! He appears espe­cially anaes­thetized this evening. Restraint is an admirable trait. Otherwise this is like, what­ever. Randy is like, dope, it don’t even mat­ter, dude! 2) “With You” by Chris Brown! Too bad Mrs. Chris Brown isn’t here to enjoy this. Hahahahaha “boo” haha­ha­ha­haha. Take it to that Loggins place! This is just … whoa. This is so hor­ri­fy­ing I think I might love it. Brave choice award! “Boo” made Randy uncom­fort­able. Simon is like, WTF. Creepy stage daddy gonna beat his ass tonight! 3) Baha, baha­haha, baha­haha, the pro­duc­ers gave him “Longer” by Mr. Dan Fogelberg, baha­haha. Nice translu­cent shirt. I have noth­ing more to say. Randy some­how pro­claims it “hot,” while Simon more wisely chooses “gooey.” Hot and gooey! Gross!

ai08_syesham.jpg1) Syesha is so unlike­able, she had to find out Randy chose “If I Ain’t Got You” by Alicia Keys for her via text mes­sage while she was all by alone (with that cam­er­ap­er­son) in a car! That’s cold. Clearly he’s out to get rid of her since we all know how well it goes over when ladies sing songs by other ladies who are known to be pop­u­lar for being singers who are pop­u­lar. But she squawk want nothin’ at all! Randy can see her heart beamin’ and smilin’! He said she’s “stand­ing there at num­ber three,” ooh that says it all right there. 2) Syesha chose “Fever” as she “like[s] the vibe of the song.” Whatever. She’s going to use a PROP CHAIR and a PROP BASSIST. She’s gonna do it with both of them! That light­ing is unfor­tu­nate. Corny corn corn. Paula gonna smack her down ’cause bitches be like that. Simon gives it “lame cabaret,” real talk. 3) Ryan pro­claims it “the last chance for Syesha … to make it to the finale.” He’s the king of the dra­matic pause. Come hit her (up) tonight! Wow, a sound­track song by a nobody. Witness your future, Syesha! The pro­duc­ers are out to get her too. This is both plas­tic and wooden, which is to say fake. Simon: “It’s a song about pen­guins.” Again with the birds, this one. Everyone’s like ehh. No shit!

ai08_davidc.jpg1) Prop stub­ble! David C. is also the vic­tim of text mes­sage song choice, though at least he was live on his Local Fox Affiliate when it hap­pened. Simon gives him “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face,” oh my. He’s got itchy, watery eyes. The old ladies like it! Seriously, who is that creepy stalker old lady who’s just stand­ing there star­ing at him? I’m trau­ma­tized. Is that his mom? I’m con­fused and trau­ma­tized. HIGH NOTE must be a trib­ute to Jason. Randy wants him to rock, baby, he’s a rocker! Everyone else is like ooh ahh. Whatever. 2) Switchfoot? Really? I’m gonna take a nap now. POSTURING. I shared Jane’s mom’s “The One With the Head” with my mom, and she quite enjoyed that. I feel like he should have a generic label T-​shirt read­ing PERFORMER. Everyone believes he was chal­lenged by his crappy taste in active rock! 3) “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing,” well at least they give him a sound­track song by a some­body. Prop string sec­tion! What a SURPRISE. Emote! Douche it up! That’s right! Oh thank God it’s over. Diane Warren approves (of the roy­alty check)! Frightening that I can rec­og­nize Diane Warren. Randy’s like eh. Paula goes on an insane ver­bal ram­page that goes about 100 mph. Simon pro­claims this “one of the great songs of all time,” prob­a­bly ’cause Diane would stomp him if he didn’t. Don’t cross that lady!

SO HERE WE ARE, BOTH OF US LONELY, LONGING FOR SHELTER FROM ALL THAT WE SEE

Do we really need an hour­long results show? Really? Can I cry? Will you let me?

Simon is show­ing OUT OF CONTROL chest tonight. Also, Fantasia!

Our top three Up With People bring us “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now.” David A. brings us that wind­breaker groove we’ve come to know and love. David C. and his gut attempt to “mean it” with “funky” strut­ting. Syesha, well, who cares. I believe Randy and Paula’s disco moment will be the high­light of the show, aside from see­ing one of these gimps finally get canned. They’re on the move! Michael Buffer (that is Michael Buffer, right?) approves. Amanda! David H.! Chikezie! We are STAR PACKED.

The FORD MUSIC VIDEO is set to none other than that Los Lonely Boys song that made every­one com­pletely insane for about a year and a half. Let’s imag­ine our­selves in the lap of lux­ury, final­ists. David A.‘s face at the bot­tom of a pool! I do pic­ture him liv­ing out some kind of Sunset Boulevard des­tiny, come to think of it.

Chris returns just in time to see the recap from last night. “Fogelberg? Oof!”

Fantasia is a sassy lady! She’s been eat­ing well. Get it, girl, you know what you love! Give us some Nona Hendryx, rock that hal­ter jump­suit, that’s right. How depress­ing is it to com­pare this to those three drips on the couch? I mean, really. God love her.

ai08_davida.jpgDavid A. can’t believe he’s being called first! Let’s go home with him. He’s stoked and pumped! Witness that poor child being attacked by cheer­lead­ers. Let’s go to the mall! Aww, gen­uine tears of grat­i­tude, bless him, let’s just let him win now. Chris: “I’d give it all up for one hug from my dad.” Chris would like to have the mayor’s shirt, and also his mous­tache. Somehow I had a feel­ing. David A.: “It’s so embar­rass­ing, they showed me cry­ing, gosh!” Learning three songs is a lot! It was too much for Jason to com­pre­hend, so it must be true. Let’s look back at his jour­ney, since we prob­a­bly won’t see his good­bye video ever! Cut to commercial!

ai08_syesham.jpgI won­der if Syesha’s home­com­ing will com­pare to Katharine McPhee’s back­yard bar­be­cue. Old white ladies are con­fused in her pres­ence! Old white ladies throw babies at her! Try hard to muster up those tears, there you go. This is like a nat­ural high for her recov­er­ing addict father. Chris: “Visit your Southern Ford dealer!” Old white ladies do hand­stands around her! Well, that was bizarre. Let’s look back at her jour­ney! She’s all about shar­ing her gift with the world. Chris: “She didn’t let those gifts out for sev­eral weeks.” Now let’s play that Fantasia song that landed her in the bot­tom three!

The gas game! How far are you will­ing to go to go fur­ther on a tank of gas?* Find out TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

ai08_davidc.jpgHis brother got some ears on him. Let’s go back to the sexy Midwest. He’s wear­ing a hen­ley ’cause he’s a douche. He is unfazed by adu­la­tion ’cause he’s so rock and roll. He throws out a pitch at a home­town ball­game just like My Elliott did ’cause he’s a BITER. That was bor­ing. “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” by Chaka Khan! I laugh and laugh. Let’s look back at his jour­ney! Let’s hastily cor­rect our mis­take as Chaka Khan and Roberta Flack are so very eas­ily con­fused, as are we!

I like how David C. is the first one to give him­self a round of applause at Randy’s bid­ding. Luke sight­ing! Who’s going home? Who? WHO?!

ai08_syesham.jpgIs it any sur­prise? David C. clearly isn’t sur­prised. What a dick. Chris: “Every time any­one on my board said she was hot, they were wrong.” Carly, Brooke, Michael, Kristy Lee and Ramiele are all there to cel­e­brate her home! Surprisingly gra­cious in defeat, she is now free to walk the streets and addle more old white ladies. Live the dream!

Until the finale. CAN YA HEART STAND IT?

*Transcribed word for word. Seriously, WTF.

6 comments to The real­ity is hard to swallow

  • It always could have been worse (and I’m really sur­prised that it didn’t hap­pen that) they could have replayed all those clips of Sy doing her allegedly uncanny “baby cry­ing” imi­ta­tion just one more time.

  • (don’t they usu­ally? or am I crazy? well I know I’m crazy but)“
    You’re craaaaaaazy! They always, always, ALWAYS use the “Judge’s Choice” round to make some poor old mayor read “In the voice” of either Paula or Randy (usu­ally both!). So as far as I can remem­ber it’s always been one judge per contestant.

  • Oh, and I just adored the cut away to Simon dur­ing Fantasia’s per­for­mance. Like.…“What the hell is this shit?”

  • jane

    I am only up to your song choices (“Rump Shaker,” “I’m Henry VIII” and noth­ing), and I am already cry­ing. Thank you.

  • pieman

    I can’t believe any of us are still watch­ing this show!
    The vis­its home are always fun. Makes me cry. Are there any black peo­ple in Utah? Except for Karl Malone? Kid Hater. Maybe he can adopt Creepy Little . He doesn’t have a dad, does he?
    One more week. If there is jus­tice Cook will win, so it tor­pe­does both his and Archuleta’s careers.