idol

Drop it, dude, drop it hard!

Ryan sure has aged a lot in a week! Oh wait, that’s Michael Buffer. (So that WAS him before? Chilling!) I dream that these two drips actu­ally will spend the evening punch­ing each other out, but I fear my dreams will go unre­al­ized. Much like this entire suck­wad sea­son. THIS is American Idol!

What’s up baby, yeah yeah, Randy Jackson style. I real­ized that falling asleep on the couch until 4 a.m. was far more excit­ing than watch­ing Tuesday’s show, so I’m try­ing to burn through it as quickly as pos­si­ble a day late, since I have lit­tle to no emo­tional invest­ment in any of this other than to get it over with. Sad! Let’s cry real tears … together.

AND THE CROWD GOES MILD!

Boxing metaphors are tire­some. This heavy­weight title is reserved only for super­stars … such as CHRIS DAUGHTRY! Wait. What?
Old white dudes appre­ci­ate American Idol! Our men­tors this evening are Clive Davis and Andrew Lloyd Webber in a com­mand performance.

How excit­ing is it to be here tonight? David C. asks the crowd to reg­is­ter how excit­ing it is, such as it is clearly so excit­ing for them to watch him per­form, or some­thing. God. GOD. Let’s force our con­tes­tants to awk­wardly com­pli­ment each other. David C. says David A. is “con­sis­tently nice.”

I’m really freaked out by the woman in this McDonald ad say­ing “It’s juicy.” She’s like a Manson girl. Chris replays her chew­ing in slo-​mo. Then he imi­tates her chew­ing in slo-​mo. We have a lot of fun here!

Clive Davis can suck it! I love the way they cut away from him as soon as he tries to SOAK IN THE APPLAUSE. He wants David C. to “cap­ture the yearn­ing of a gen­er­a­tion,” or some­thing. Andrew Lloyd Webber con­tin­ues to be daffily entertaining.

ai08_davidc.jpg1) His “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is about as excit­ing and mag­netic as a car­ton of milk. Yeah, ges­ture to the crowd as if to “get them going.” Gaaah. F-​you and your giant dis­gust­ing mis­shapen head. 2) “Dream Big” is I guess one of those shitty song con­test things. It is dull and tune­less, which means its just right for Sir Douche-​a-​Lot here, I mean OH MY GOD I WILL BUY 1,000 COPIES OF THIS ON CD AND MUSICASSETTE THE DAY IT COMES OUT BECAUSE IT ROCKS SO HARD JUST LIKE DAVID COOK THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL!!!!! Randy offers up “singing your face off” and I wish it was meant lit­er­ally. 3) As a finale out of all the songs on God’s green AI song­book he gives us “The World I Know,” as pop­u­lar­ized by Collective Soul. Yup. Uh. REAL (maybe) TEARS! Probably ’cause he real­izes it’s all down­hill from here. Simon looks unim­pressed! No shit! Then Simon actu­ally calls him “sin­cere” which is the true SHOCKER of the entire night.

SOMEONE MAKE THIS BOXING DUDE SHUT UP

ai08_davida.jpg1) Chris hopes he sings “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” just like Forest Whitaker. Sing it hard! Put that zest on it! Am I com­pletely high or is this com­pletely tol­er­a­ble? Jason Castro approves! 2) “In this Moment” proves that there are peo­ple on this planet who should not be allowed to write songs. This is like on some fake Josh Groban shit up in here! Actually it’s a total rip on that one Jon Secada song, right? The anchors on his jacket are a secret sign to Dollie. ZESTIFY! Constantine Maroulis approves! 3) “Imagine” once again, rockin’ it white wind­breaker style. ZEST MADNESS! OK, his emo­tional over­rac­tions to every­thing now no longer irri­tate me but instead make me gen­uinely worry for the state of this child’s head­space. It’s like he’s des­tined for a remake of Bad Ronald.

OK, so for that last one it’s Collective Soul vs. John Lennon. STAKES IS HIGH, folks!!! (Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy Collective Soul far more than any­one really has a right to, but JESUS, gaah, I mean—JESUS!!!)

RUBEN!!! CELEBRATE ME HOME, RUBEN!!!!!! He still brings the magic, Ruben does.

TONIGHT, TONIGHT I’LL SEE MY LOVE (this sea­son com­ing to an end) TONIGHT

Our finale begins with an appar­ent trib­ute to the cin­e­matic won­der that is Two of a Kind:

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It may be just about the gayest thing ever. THIS is American Idol!!! A record 97.5 mil­lion votes! Wow, what was the ratio, 56/​44? I was half-​paying-​attention.

Let’s join our sat teams in our final­ists’ home­towns! David C.‘s peo­ple are graced by the delight­ful Mikalah Gordon, while David A.‘s peo­ple are sad­dled with the rosy-​cheeked wind­bag that is none other than Matt, I mean FATT Rogers. Hmm, interesting.

Our Top 12 return Up With People style, fea­tur­ing the Juul Haalmeyer dancers. GET READY! Carly can’t dance. David H., how I have missed the zest that you bring. Janice Dickinson approves! Although truth­fully she ALWAYS looks that way, so who knows.

The Davids per­form “Hero,” what a shock­ing selec­tion. David A. has got some full-​on wind­breaker hot­ness going on. Watch out! You have to take the joy where you can find it when you’re forced into a shame­less and seem­ingly end­less promo for that shitty new Mike Myers movie. Someone’s watched The Party too many times. Birdie num-​nums!

Waiting for You” starts up and poor Chris is vis­i­bly very, very dis­ap­pointed to see his man Seal out there with THAT SYESHA.
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Seal is totally sleep­walk­ing, yet putting her com­pletely to shame. This is the best group of Idol tal­ent to date, peo­ple! They should put Elliott out there with him, man, that would be sweet. Seal can put him on his shoul­ders and dance around and stuff. I will not rest until this happens.

This show is just CRAWLING, isn’t it? Gaaaah.

Let’s wel­come back Jason Castro to per­form “Hallelujah”! Oh Jason, how I have missed hav­ing you in my life these past two weeks, and your delight­ful appear­ance on Idol Rewind did lit­tle to con­sole me. No, RICKEY MINOR! and the band, you CANNOT con­tain him with your so-​called “steady beat,” do not dare to tame his cre­ative sense of rhythm!!!!

Let’s look back at our FORD MUSIC VIDEO MAGIC BLOOPER MOMENTS! set to the tune of what­ever, it was bor­ing, I don’t care.
You know David A.‘s dad is gonna con­fis­cate that car mad quick.

Our Top 6 ladies work hard for the money! Brooke sounds chill­ingly like Donna Summer. She does not dance like her, how­ever. Amanda just wants to get it over with. Carly and her high-​tension black sup­port hose need some hot stuff tonight! Donna Summer mate­ri­al­izes before us, look­ing younger than Syesha could ever hope to! These are some hard-​luck lyrics, damn. Ryan gets in on some hot danc­ing action, bless his soul. Donna hands off her sparkly diva mic to Syesha in a shock­ing dis­play of good­will. Let’s dance the last dance tonight! Wait, you mean there’s like 75 min­utes left of this show? Oh shoot.

ai08final_carlymichael.jpgCarly and Michael, please team up for a tire­some “switched up” ver­sion of “The Letter” so that we can waste more time that would oth­er­wise be pop­u­lated with actual tal­ent! Am I insane or is Carly’s dress a lit­tle cute? They should take this act on the road, I’m sure their respec­tive spouses would LOVE that. I expect to see them on Grand Casino Hinckley com­mer­cials any moment now.

No no, no, please no Jimmy Kimmel again, no, please no, no, I don’t deserve this, no. SANJAYA SIGHTING!!!!

It’s time to “rock out” with our Top 6 guys! David H., please tell us about your “Summer of 69,” wink wink. CHIKEZIE! I’m find­ing it hard to believe we’re in heaven, David C., for when you are on my tele­vi­sion I am in HELL. Let’s wel­come noted pho­tog­ra­pher Bryan Adams to the stage!

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Bryan, my friend, you look like a burn vic­tim in HD. David A. approves! David C., stop touch­ing the talent!

Bahahahaha David C. and ZZ Top baha­ha­ha­haha. Way to whiff, like, EVERYTHING, douche. I was FFWDing through the com­mer­cials and came in halfway to this and decided I did not need to see it from the begin­ning. ZZ Top looks about as excited to be here as I am.

Chris: “Mikalah gives the illu­sion of motion!”

Brooke and Graham Nash. Ohhhh boy. Chris: “She found some­one who’d sit with her.” P.S. if you’re going to go bare­foot and you know they’re going to shoot you from below, maybe the bot­toms of your feet should be CLEAN. Just a thought. This goes on for like five hours.

Thanks to that David C./Risky Business/​Guitar Hero com­mer­cial, I can no longer have chil­dren. Just spooked it clear out of me. Jesus.

Have you seen this boy? He could have been stand­ing right next to you. Fox puts the Twin Cities to the test: Would you rec­og­nize a miss­ing per­son? TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 10!

And now, the Jonas Brothers fea­tur­ing Penn Jillette. Chris: “Is this an age test?” The one in the mid­dle is almost as who­r­ish as Miley Cyrus. Those pants are tight, son.

Ghastly retread through bad audi­tions seg­ment is saved by RENALDO and his HOT-​ASS JAM about being broth­ers and best friends for­ever. Chris is very con­cerned about the wel­fare of Paula’s boobs!

OneRepublic is a band I do not care enough to know about or watch in real time, but then oh wait, it’s DAVID A. out to per­form with this appar­ent Popular Music Combo! David A. is wind­break­er­less, I must note. SQUEALS! from the crowd and David A. both. That poor child is so awkward.

Let’s go back to Utah with Matty, I mean FATTY Rogers, try­ing really hard to dis­turb an already poor fam­ily dynamic! Good work, Einstein!

ai08final_jordindress.jpgLet’s wel­come Jordin Sparks, wear­ing a dress that would per­haps be appro­pri­ate for a 5-​year-​old girl in 1989. Which maybe she was then, I dunno, I’m too lazy to do the math. I’d guess it prob­a­bly would have fit her just as well then, too. Chris: “If she got a butt, she should be showin’ it!” I really should be in FFWD mode here, but Chris is far too enter­tain­ing. “Her legs go up to her boobs!”

And now, enjoy this extended promo for Tropic Thunder ill-​disguised as a pre-​taped “music-​related” “com­edy” “bit”—because “Midnight Train to Georgia” is always a song to be played for laughs!

ai08final_upskirt.jpgSomeone must have learned a les­son and put Carrie Underwood on lock when she won, ’cause here she is yet AGAIN, sin­gin’ ’bout bein’ trashy. Extreme upskirt! This gets Chris’ rapt atten­tion for about 30 sec­onds until flash­ing lights begin to give him a seizure (or so he claims). Ashley Tisdale approves in a totally bitchy way!

If the David C./Risky Business/​Guitar Hero com­mer­cial was scar­ring enough, the David A. ver­sion just took me to another dimen­sion of crazy. Chris: “Maybe his dad had to approve the choice of underwear.”

Tribute to George Michael! Well, we’re gonna get him after all, bless. I’m dis­ap­pointed they give “Faith” to the girls and not to Jason. Bad pre-​taped vocal tracks! Bad! Man, David H. can sure get his groove on to “Father Figure,” dang. I can out­sing all these losers on “Freedom ’90,” real talk. I feel David H. has lived this song. Nice eye­liner, David C. Gag. Ooh, bring it, Chikezie! Now here’s George to demon­strate what Raw Emotion™ is all about, oh hell yes.

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Praying for Time” is a metaphor for this show, don’t you know. Carrie Underwood bet­ter be tak­ing notes. I am mir­ror­ing George’s hand motions and it is MAGICAL. Cry, Paula, cry!!! THAT’S RIGHT.

It’s a big night on Fox 9 News: Hear from the Next American Idol FIRST! And see the first and oooooonly inter­view with Minnesota’s lat­est Powerball win­ners. How are over­weight women dis­crim­i­nated against? Talk with big weight losers about the big dif­fer­ence. TONIGHT on the Fox 9 News at 9!

Let’s announce the win­ner already! Paula reminds us that some­times it’s the things we lose that teach us who we are as peo­ple. Now present us with the enve­lope, British person!

ai08final_doucheking.jpgAhh, what a fit­ting con­clu­sion to the shit­ti­est sea­son of AI ever. I can­not be moti­vated to care one way or another. Chris: “Now he’s boned! He wanted sec­ond SO BAD!!!”

MAN, he’s an ugly crier.

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Blecch. Are you happy now, America?! Ahhh, and so his mom is also his scary star­ing stalker:

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It all makes sense now. Look, he’s hav­ing the “Time of [His] Life,” thanks to this shitty new AI win­ner song. Sing us out, water­melon head!

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Yes, tonight is a very spe­cial night, for tonight … tonight, we are ALL losers. But if noth­ing else …

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… at least we know someone’s happy, no mat­ter what. Thanks, Idol!

4 comments to Drop it, dude, drop it hard!

  • JK

    The best part is the image filenames.

  • tammy

    Did you hap­pen to notice how badly Jason’s hands were shak­ing when he was singing his solo? He had to grip both hands over each other on the mic to make them stop! How cute. Now imag­ine how ner­vous he would hae been if he would have had to learn a new song!
    Also spot­ted lin­ing the bal­cony: a teleprompter! No more wor­ry­ing about flub­bing lyrics…
    I gotta say, as far as their crappy finale shows go, this one was by far the most “entertaining.”

  • jane

    I orig­i­nally had a really mean recap writ­ten of the show. I even picked on poor Graham Nash, who has done noth­ing to hurt me. But then George Michael came out and the whole show was clearly intended as an extended intro. George Michael is all that I am liv­ing for right now, and between his appear­ance, David Hernandez’s read of “naked” and the fact that I didn’t care who won (like even a lit­tle bit), this was my favorite episode of “American Idol” ever. Ruben understands.

  • pieman

    I am glad it’s over.
    And in all those words you wrote, you never men­tioned the Captain Kangaroo jacket that Randy was sport­ing. That was AWESOME! I was look­ing for Mister Green Jeans!