The lib­er­ties you took were paid off

I’m gonna try to blow through this really fast, because there are like four hours to catch up on and I’m sick of this crap. Let’s get to the final 12 already.

Ryan has a fetch­ing English adjunct fac­ulty member/​urban thrillseeker look about him.

It’s a dream come true for Pieman’s favorite lit­tle gnome-​child. We’re all he needs to get by! Sadly, not the Mary/​Meth ver­sion. He’s toned his act down and turned his bronzer UP. Restraint is fun­da­men­tal. Is it fright­en­ing that I don’t com­pletely hate this? Or is this proof that I have lost my mind? It’s like he’s turned into a George Michael Baby. Randy is telling you what, dude! This turn of events has my world all topsy-​turvy and cocky-​wobbly. HAT MAN!

ai09_taylorvWhat up, Too Tall Jones? You are one old-​lady-​looking high school stu­dent. Performing Alicia Keys is never advised. What are you wear­ing? Is it water­proof? Kara wants to know what it’s like to go shop­ping with her. Paula brings out “beau­ti­ful gift” and “beau­ti­ful instru­ment.” Snore.

Taquitos at 3 a.m. = pure magic.

ai09_alexwtThis young child is in a long-​distance rela­tion­ship, there­fore “I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues.” I love this song. Girls love Michael Phelps, this dude should have no prob­lem. He’s bring­ing the stage action! God bless him. I love this dude. Maybe it’s the taquitos talk­ing. Simon says that stuff that makes every­one go “whooooooooooa.” Randy says “crazy” and “buck wild.” Like it’s a bad thing? The ladies agree: He has moves. I want him and Ryan to be boyfriends.

ai09_ariannaaGeneric brunette zzzzzzzzz. “The Winner Takes It All,” oh my good­ness yes. Hold up: I mean oh my good­ness NO. Ugh. Ugh. Uuuuugh. Is she even lis­ten­ing to the band? It’s he-​stor-​ay, ee. Oh man this is awful. AWFUL. What any Abba song does not need: yodel­ling. I’m in pain. Taquitos, save me! Her par­ents look pissed. Simon agrees with me! It wasn’t the right song for you, baby. Paula: “It’s a song full of melody.”

ai09_junotjBring out the prop child! Shoo-​NO. Hey there Delilah, what’s it like? Ooh he’s GUTSY and SWITCHING IT UP. Dude is smoove. Dude, Randy loved it. Paula is blah blah blah blah blah. He wanted to pay respect to the artist, man. (Plain White T’s? Really?!) Dude, I am on team Shoo-​NO, word.

ai09_kristenmMena Suvari! I kind of love her. Give her one rea­son to stay here! Ugh, Tracy Chapman, ugh. Switched up! What’s with the Sweet 16 party dress? I still love her. Paula makes no sense what­so­ever. Judges give Mena grief about her sar­to­r­ial tal­ents. “I always looked crazy.” That seals it: I love her.

ai09_nathanielmSPARKLE MAGICK. He wants to touch peo­ple … with music. He’s singing that Meat Loaf song about doing any­thing for love. The Cher remix! The makeup artists have worked won­ders with his com­plex­ion. Point-​point-​point-​point-​point. Oh honey, oh, gosh. I don’t know. I just … I don’t know. I love his white trash fam­ily. Simon: “verg­ing on excru­ci­at­ing.” He’s a fun per­son who likes to have fun! This song has deep mean­ing for him. He wants to make some­thing fun that every­one can lis­ten to. Talk talk talk talk talk. I’m hyp­no­tized by Paula’s watch. I’m tun­ing out. Zzzzzzzz. OK, he gets points just for hand­ing Simon his sparkle mag­ick headband.

ai09_hoOK, this is the one who got in because the ho who was doing it with all the dudes in 19 got kicked out for doing all those dudes in 19. I am too lazy to find her pic­ture, so instead you get the pic­ture of the 19-​dudes-​doing ho. She’s a lit­tle cute and she knows how to dress her­self, OMG. However: Alicia Keys. Don’t do that!!!!!!! Off the rails she goes! Paula is like, your tal­ent, your gift, blah blah blah. Randy is all like wel­come back, baby, what?

ai09_scottmBlinds are like reg­u­lars now (5:43). This is the point where the DVR con­ve­niently ran out of space. However, my dar­ling Mr. went and found the rest of the episode online so I’m stuck watch­ing our sight impaired con­tes­tant et al. Ohhh well. Please let him do my Airport ’77 jam! I’ll have to set­tle for Bruce Hornsby. NO I WON’T. I refuse. He wants to seize the moment and live in the words! I want to see this dude do a Up With People dance num­ber. That shit would be worth the price of admis­sion. Snore snore snore. Nice vest. I bet this dude is all like, “no fat chicks.” When he had to hit the big notes he really hit ‘em, right? Thanks, Randy. Ugh. Ass kissers.

ai09_kendallbGirls can relate to Martina McBride. She looks kinda like the hooker on Damages. Her dress is a lit­tle adorable. I got noth­ing else. Ooh, went way off the rails at the end. Paula’s kiss of death: “Your par­ents must be so proud of you.” I think she and Ryan should get married.

ai09_jorgenEl Hijo del Pool. Snore. Don’t let the sun go down on him. Dude just looks WEIRD to me. Wonk eye in full effect. He’s styled like John Leguizamo in Summer of Sam. I give up. Paula just wants to squeeze him! Oh, gen­uine tears and the ladies go all gooshy.

ai09_lilrLil’ Roundz! She has about 18 kids and they all enjoy Coca-​Cola™ prod­ucts (proud spon­sor of American Idol). She has got a back on her, damn. She’s a lit­tle adorable! I am always wary of those who dare sing Mary J. Blige. Randy is all like she didn’t lose her swag­ger and like yeah, what? Oh man, now I want her and Ryan to get married.


Oh Tim, why must you be on that awful, awful show. Oh wait. THIS is American Idol!

Please Jesus Lord tell me I can get through this show fast. Randy’s lenses match his shirt and I am hyp­no­tized for they are both orange. Sparkle Magick is wear­ing some spec­tac­u­lar turquoise wash jeans. A riot of glo­ri­ous color, so reflec­tive of the diver­sity of life, or something.

Up With People bring us “Hot and Cold,” in which we PMS like a “girl”. These per­for­mances are so hor­ri­bly pre­re­corded now. Were they always this bad? Chairs are a promi­nent ele­ment of this per­for­mance, so sadly I will not get to see Airport ’77 step up 2 tha streetz. CHEATERS. Make the dude dance. Come ON.

Let’s start killing peo­ple off, y’all!

ai09_lilrThank you, Ryan, for speed­ing things along for us. Lil’ Roundz fever!

ai09_ariannaaai09_taylorvai09_alexwtai09_kendallbai09_scottmO, who among you hath cap­tured America’s hearts and minds? Make them sweat.

ai09_ariannaaSuck it, generic lady who dares to butcher Abba!

ai09_taylorvNor are you wor­thy of us, Too Tall Jones. Sit down!

ai09_alexwtSorry, you are not wake-​and-​baking Michael Phelps enough for This Great Land.

ai09_kendallbai09_scottmThe nation has spo­ken, and the win­ner is …

Loooooooooove is in the eye of the behoooooooolder. Randy knows he’s going to keep it hot always and blow up the stage!

ai09_nathanielmai09_kristenmAfter the nation­wide vote … it’s no to both of you. Oh boo.

ai09_hoIt’s a no to both of you, too! Go suck it up!

ai09_junotjai09_jorgenOh our eth­nic broth­ers, who among us will make it through tonight?

ai09_jorgenPffft. F this show.

Who is blessed enough to do their thing in the Wild Card show? Oh Lord … eight more per­for­mances. Gaaah.


Heh. Simon wants HAT MAN to bring back the hat. My beloved Ethan Elliott Embry Yamin and ANOOP are back! P.S. Batshit Tatiana? Are you shit­ting me?

I wish I had the sta­mina to watch the Wild Card show, but I’m full of taquitos and sleepi­ness. ¡Hasta mañana!

2 comments to The lib­er­ties you took were paid off

  • Pieman

    I wanted to see Up with People with blind man danc­ing, but they chick­ened out. Damn them!

    I didn’t see all of the wild card show, but I watched HAT MAN just totally oblit­er­ate his chances. They so wanted him to make the Top 12, but he did not seize the oppor­tu­nity. He was really, really bad. I am sad­dened that I need to get a new Gravatar now. Maybe I won’t.

    I look for­ward to your wild card show review because I want to know what you thought of Dueling Piano Man’s pashmina.

  • Kim

    Pashmina?! Aw shit, I need to watch this NOW.