You and I must made a pack

All this wild zoom­ing is mak­ing me nau­seous! Cheesy voiceover intro­duc­tions are cheesy. “A very inter­est­ing entrance”? Ryan, you are for­ever pre­cious to me. Randy is just tryin’ to count, baby. Paula’s gold eye­shadow is mes­mer­iz­ing. She hopes the stage does not con­sume the con­tes­tants. THIS is American Idol!

Tonight: The unmis­take­able music of Michael Jackson. THIS IS IT. Shit, which one would I do? “Dirty Diana,” per­haps. Hahahahahaha. I think they said they’d be cut­ting two peo­ple this week, and I’m like whatever.

ai09_lilrLil’ Roundz is all about music, bar­be­cue, and sur­viv­ing tor­na­does. The way you make her feel really turns her on! Those is some white pants. I like her cha-​cha top, though. This sounds “cabaret” in Simon par­lance. She looks just like Kelis from cer­tain angles. Chris can’t for­give her for turn­ing it into “the way you’re mak­ing me feel.” Paula has mad bags under her eyes. Paula says she sounds like angels singing. Everyone likes it!

ai09_scottmThis dude has an unset­tling, vacant sta—oh, right. Music runs in his blood! His mom looks like Colleen Camp. “Why don’t you rock my soul,” what the hell?! He’s happy to share his music and heart with America. Not his vision, how­ever. Dude pops his P’s. He’s keep­ing the faith. I am unfa­mil­iar with this song. This is so bor­ing. Zzzzz sooo bor­ing. The piano shows a whole other side of him, Kara says. The side that plays piano. Simon speaks for all of us by hat­ing the song. Scott defends his “artis­tic” choice. Randy didn’t see sparks. It’s OK, Scott didn’t either.

ai09_dannygOur home­town pack­age shows us what we already know: Dead Wife Man is obnox­ious. He is ready to butcher “P.Y.T.” More like “P.D.T.,” am I right peo­ple? This slo-​jam intro con­fuses Chris to no end. I guess this is what is known as “switch­ing it up.” The fun game that will keep me sane this sea­son is imag­in­ing he is singing to Dead Wife. “Let me take you to the max!” Hahahaha, Weekend with Bernie style. Randy calls his danc­ing “pas­sion­ate.” Simon ver­bally rolls his eyes. Everyone loves this. Dead Wife Man loves him­self. Let’s move on.

ai09_michaelsOil Rig Roughneck! or ORR! for shorr!t. Aww, his mom got dolled up all purty for the home­town pack­age. He’s show­ing off his sen­si­tive side with “You Are Not Alone.” His cam­era action makes him look like he has a syn­drome. George, tell me about the rab­bits. This is … well, I like it bet­ter than every­one else so far, which is not say­ing much. Simon has a total bone for this guy. Everyone loves it, yeah, yeah, he’s a reg­u­lar guy who makes “instinc­tu­ally per­fect” choices. Dude, Ryan is so tan.

ai09_jasminemGirl is dull as hell. She talks about makeup and shop­ping. Her fam­ily is adorable. They should be com­pet­ing instead. She’ll be there! You and she must made a pack, and then you can let her feel your heart with joy and laugher. It gets worse. Snore. Shot from the waist up, she looks like she’s wear­ing a satin nightie. The judges are far more com­pli­men­tary than they should be. I smell payola.

ai09_krisaApparently he’s mar­ried to a 13-​year-​old girl. Too bad, Tammy. Do you remem­ber the time? He’s got an acoustic gui­tar. He clearly watches too much Dave Matthews and lis­tens to too much Jack-​John-​Jason-​Johnson-​Mraz-​Mayer-​whatever. Kara says the gui­tar brings out another side of him. The side that plays gui­tar. Simon: “Not sure I would have brought the wife out so early.” Heh! “Kidding!” (No he’s not.) Randy says “Jason Mraz” because we tight like that. Although he says it like it’s a good thing.

ai09_allisoniShe is adorable. Her fam­ily is adorable. Her singing to a nearly empty fur­ni­ture store is adorable. She wants you to give in to her! She resists the temp­ta­tion to bring out a prop gui­tarist to play sur­ro­gate Slash. Bad synths! I love her. Paula’s mind is bog­gled. (You don’t say.) Simon feels it was dark. “I’m not dark, I’m not, like, cut­ting myself.” Oops, just lost the self-​injuring vote there.

We are all part of the sis­ter­hood of shoe-​lovers.

ai09_anoopdAmerica’s sweet­heart. His teeth are whiter than white. He’s gonna bring energy with a great and pop­u­lar song, and per­haps some moves. More adorable par­ents! He’s in touch with his cul­ture. He’s liv­ing the American dream. He desires cred. I enjoy his out­fit! “Beat It,” oh my. Work that mic stand, son. Botched lyrics, oh no. Chris is dis­turbed by the key he’s singing in. Simon is just harsh enough to ensure that more peo­ple will vote for him.

ai09_jorgenPoolboy, you bore me. He says his fam­ily is loud, happy, and likes to dance. No stereo­types here. He never can say good­bye! That is some Stylistics arrange­ment there. Stop with the porno faces. Stop. Stop. Oh no, “very strange vibra­tion” makes me uncom­fort­able. Chris: “That guy ruled!” (He’s seri­ous.) Babble bab­ble bab­ble song choice bab­ble bab­ble. Jorge: “I didn’t want to sing ‘Bad’ by Michael Jackson.” Simon: “You just did,” ooh burn.

Kelly has a prob­lem. She’s addicted to Facebook! She wants just one more poke. Trish Van Pilsum can help her if she watches the FOX 9 News at 9!

ai09_megancDivorced Mom is dressed like a whore. Chris declares her mom “hot.” Sexy grandma! It’s like an entire fam­ily of Linnea Quigleys. “Rockin’ Robin”? Just … no. The HD broad­cast truly cap­tures the fear in her eyes. This per­for­mance actu­ally dri­ves Chris to go upstairs and go to bed. CAW CAW! Oh my word. She has no shame, which I kind of admire. Kara hopes she does more things in the future. Simon brings out “stu­pid” again. The HD broad­cast truly cap­tures the schaden­freude on Justin Guarini’s face.

ai09_adamlOh hooray, Sassypants McGee. It doesn’t mat­ter if you’re black or white. Sexywalk, prance, skip, sexy­walk, strut, sexy­walk. God, he is such a woman. How could any­one pos­si­bly take this seri­ously? He ain’t shed­ding, no, brother. Paula makes him cry, though sadly it is with her praise. She keeps bab­bling on about noth­ing. He’s “cur­rent”? Really? I mean … he’s no Sylvester. Oof, HD, too close. I need to find old pic­tures of him to deter­mine how much plas­tic surgery is hap­pen­ing up under all that pan­cake and acne. Are you aware that I find this dude repul­sive? If he gets any more lady­ish, I might have to enjoy him. I hope that does not hap­pen. I think.

ai09_mattgHome movies of shirt­less ping-​pong games get my vote. Aww, cute hum­ble Midwestern par­ents. He’s telling us that it’s human nature. Piano! Paula is singing along. Falsetto out the yin-​yang. Randy says he’s got that Robin Thicke Justin Timberlake thing jumpin’ off, baby. He gets the dreaded “it was very good” across the board. Something tells me I might just be work­ing the phones this season.

ai09_alexisgShanno loves play­ing with her pretty pretty hair. Watching her with her father makes me think of this:

I’ll have to call her Kaitlin from now on. Oh my good Lord, “Dirty Diana”? She stole my song! What are the odds?! Her estab­lished inabil­ity to enun­ci­ate gives her an edge over the other con­tes­tants as she can just make shit up. This light­ing makes her look like Lorrie Morgan. That is not a com­pli­ment. Lorrie Morgan is old. Simon: “Not as good as you thought it was.” I guess that makes her our new Cartharine McPhithson.

DVR runs out so now I can get to THE CUTTING. Results! Two elim­i­na­tions, a new rule, Kanye West, and Kelly Clarkson. This year the judges can save one con­tes­tant once if they feel s/​he should not be elim­i­nated. They give us three exam­ples of con­tes­tants who may have ben­e­fited from this in the past: Tamyra Gray, Jennifer Hudson, and Chris Daughtry. One of these is not like the other.

Up With People bring us a Michael Jackson med­ley. BLIND MAN DANCING. Idol knows now to make my day. Divorced Mom is wear­ing a cute dress and I am shocked. It is off­set by the giant super­balls around her neck. “ABC” is an inter­est­ing choice, given its ref­er­ence to fig­u­ra­tive blind­ness. Between this and the danc­ing, you’d think Scott’s being hazed.

Carrie Underwood kinda makes a man want to be a minia­ture horse.

I can’t believe they con­tinue to shove Dead Wife Man down our throats. F you, Idol. Ryan is call­ing the dudes by their last names ’cause he’s a guy’s guy.

OMG, the first FORD MUSIC VIDEO of the new year. They will rock us! Didn’t they do the “pro­jected on build­ings” thing before? Or was that posters/​billboards? They all run together after a while.

Elimination 1: My pre­tend boyfriend is safe, as are other peo­ple I don’t par­tic­u­larly hate. Satin Nightie and Divorced Mom are called into the snakepit. The loser?

ai09_jasminemAs Fred Durst would say, “I think we’re all in agreeance.” I am filled with envy as she is com­forted within Ryan’s warm, manly embrace. Cue Carrie Underwood’s “Home Sweet Home”! Tonight, tonight she’s on her way.

Holy shit, Paula’s look tonight is INSANE. She’s moon­light­ing as a cathouse black­jack dealer.

OK, so Clive Owen plays a cute and adorable spy in a caper and/​or heist movie and some­how I am not pee­ing myself to see it because THAT WOMAN is in it and she is on my list. Her very exis­tence ruined Ocean’s Twelve and now all bets are off.

Kanye West, snore. This song blows. Nice watch, though. Oh look, his band is wear­ing Daft Punk visors and his backup singers are dressed all WACKY. He’s such a challenge!

Elimination 2: A row of annoy­ing douchebags and Anoop. I really want to punch Dead Wife Man in the balls. Is Anoop in the snakepit? Of course! Also: Poolboy. America has it in for the brown dudes. This show is RACIST.

Hold the phones—let’s wel­come back Kelly Clarkson to per­form her new sin­gle and by the way All I Ever Wanted is now avail­able in stores and on iTunes! (Still love her.) Anoop has the strength to groove. Poolboy does not. If this were ANTM, Tyra Banks would now ques­tion his abil­ity to sur­vive in this busi­ness. Uncannily, America helps make the deci­sion for him:

ai09_jorgenJust when I stopped being com­pletely irri­tated with him and evolved to being half­heart­edly annoyed. ¡Qué lás­tima!

8 comments to You and I must made a pack

  • jane

    Honest to my Sweet Lord, when Adam (Adam!?! You can’t make this stuff up) is singing, I keep think­ing I have switched over to “RuPaul’s Drag Race.” PS HE IS A BAD SINGER. PPS I love zest, but I was under the impres­sion that America does not. He’s awful at singing, he is lady­ish and he isn’t even charm­ing. What do they see in him? I am so lost and confused.

    PS “Dirty Diana” is for seri­ous one of my all-​time faves and I hated this. I feel con­fi­dent that the real Shanno would have done a much bet­ter job.

  • Kim

    I was toootally going to say “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” but I have never actu­ally watched it. I am just that insight­ful and should honor my instincts. I can’t believe the judges bring up over­sing­ing with, like, every­one *but* him. I really want to become enlight­ened to his vot­ing demo­graph­ics and under­stand what magic com­bi­na­tion is putting him through. OH, also the hilar­ity of his sup­port­ive par­ents who are so sup­port­ive and sup­port him with sup­port no mat­ter what hap­pens, and the dad’s all like “suc­cess would be nice” or “a job would be nice” or what­ever. HA. HAHA.

  • You left out my best line! One of times when they were going to break, they showed Megan and Adam in the makeup chairs and I quipped, “wow, those two chicks are hot.”

    I’m sorry I went to bed before some­body did “Human Nature” — accord­ing to my karaōke chart, it’s the only MJ song I’ve done. Maybe that’s a good omen for your dude. Maybe it’s just coincidence.

  • Kim

    I totally missed that one! I was prob­a­bly too busy going BLECCCCCCHHHHHH.

  • Tammy

    Wow! This was the most LOLing I have done in a while. Some of your best to date!

    So… these last two years at our Idol Viewing Party I’ve made cup­cakes with tiny flags with each con­tes­tants pic­ture on them where the stars would be…

    long story short

    we each pick a cup­cake before the results, and for two years in a row three cup­cakes have been left over and they matched the bot­tom three exactly.

    I was one of the last to pick this year and I took Noop Dawg over Poolboy. yes!

  • Pieman

    Hey! Is that your pre­tend boyfriend in MY gravatar?

    As for who is vot­ing for Adam — the women in their 50s here in my office LOVE him! I don’t get it.

    Ladyish is a great term, too.

  • Tammy

    From my Idol group,

    Adam Lambert’s nick­names so far:

    Wicked Elf
    Fall Out Boy
    Lambert the Sheepish Lion
    Lady Lambert
    Petite Feet (*cue song)

  • Kim

    OMG Petite Feet! Now I am legit LOL. Heh heh, “Twilight.” These are all magical.

    I’m amazed by those cup­cake sta­tis­tics. Aha, another nick­name for AL: Cupcake. Or Wicked Cupcake.

    P-​man, the Enquirer told me AL is spend­ing tons of money on facial treat­ments. Perhaps that’s why your old office ladies love him–they can relate. Also, he’s clearly vain enough to watch him­self in HD. Eew girl, eew!