It burns! It burns!

Ryan tells us that on this stage, any­thing is pos­si­ble. I believe Adam is rock­ing some B-​cups under that strappy tank top. I’m not kid­ding. He must be tak­ing push-​up tips from Paula. Hard to believe, but I’m doing this stone cold sober—on St. Patrick’s Day, even. What is “this”? THIS is American Idol!

WHAT HAS KARA DONE TO HER FACE. I hate these new entrances. Divorced Mom looks com­pletely stoned. Skeletor Randy Travis approves! If Idol salutes the Grand Olé Opry, can A Prairie Home Companion be far behind? “Here’s your chal­lenge: Sing some­thing shitty, stu­pid, or pan­der­ing. Preferably all three.” And then Garrison Keillor would be Guest Mentor and every­one would be all like “Wow, I can’t believe I’m singing for some­one so … patron­iz­ing.” What would be my Grand Olé Opry Idol song? “Amos Moses,” oh hell yes.

ai09_michaelsProp har­mon­ica player! I have no idea what this dude is singing even though they said what it was. This must be coun­try music’s “It’s the End of the World As We Know It.” He’s goin’ round the world in a pickup truck. That sounds sexy. That jacket looks like three sizes too small. Randy is like yo baby check it out baby, he’s not sure if it brought out his vocal capa­bil­i­ties. ORR! says notes are impor­tant to him. Apparently coun­try is about havin’ fun. Try to con­vince the Louvin Brothers of that. Paula astutely notes that this genre suits him. Simon couldn’t under­stand the lyrics, and ORR! insists “coun­try folk” do. No kid­ding, since coun­try folk like con­jurin’ words like “olé” and “opry”.

Chris is fright­ened by Randy Travis’ gums. And his wife. (“Unless that’s his mama.”)

ai09_allisoniShe’s blam­ing it on her heart by Patty Loveless. I’m try­ing to pay bet­ter atten­tion when they say what these songs are. That’s one hell of a Rachel Sweet makeover! I love her. Paula says no one will ever take away the power of her voice. Let’s hope she doesn’t get into one of those Little Mermaid-​type sit­u­a­tions. Randy’s all like guess what, I thought it was dope. I got noth­ing else.

I wish you could hear the awe­some sounds Chris is mak­ing to go with Randy Travis’ wacky facial expres­sions. Your life would for­ever be enriched.

ai09_krisaI missed the title of the song, but it is in the style of Garth Brooks. Prop stool! Chris: “Fidget fid­get fid­get.” I’m dis­tracted by an unfor­tu­nate lighting/​crotch-​package sit­u­a­tion. He wants to make you feel his love! Well, obvi­ously. He appears to not have any upper teeth. That dis­turbs me pos­si­bly more than the crotch-​package. Crying dad alert. I want to see some sad dad danc­ing. Paula’s all blah blah blah blah, good to see him with­out his gui­tar “to focus on you.” Meaning: his crotch-​package. Speaking of which, Simon has a total bone for him. Randy is all like wow, ten­der moments from my dawg, Kris, you a ten­der dawg! Ryan talks about “wait­ing for the ‘but(t)’” and I laugh and laugh deep inside.

Idol needs to insti­tute another new rule: no chok­ers on dudes.

ai09_lilrLil’ Rounz (I’m drop­ping the ‘d’) is the vic­tim of an ill-​conceived Rhianna/​Anita Baker makeover. She’s cel­e­brat­ing Independence Day like Martina McBride. Randy Travis says she’s got big pipes on top. Oof, this starts off bad. I swear I thought I heard “let the white girl sing” and I laugh and laugh deep inside yet again. I can’t believe Randy would have pre­ferred she sing “I Will Always Love You” instead of, like, any other coun­try song. Kara makes fun of the deaf. Look out, Scott, you’re next! Simon can’t stop repeat­ing “Lil is short for ‘lit­tle’” and damn, she pissed.

ai09_adamlThis week, he is to be called Goody Gumdrops. Seriously, dude has a rack:

Look! BOOBS! Also, he is falling into a burn­ing ring of fire. Only in the fig­u­ra­tive sense, sadly. This should be a delight. Goody Gumdrops says Randy Travis was such a gen­tle­man. Randy Travis has very lit­tle to say about Goody Gumdrops. This con­firms that he is, in fact, a gen­tle­man. Oh hooray, SWITCHING IT UP. I just … I just can’t. That high-​pitched sound you hear is Brian Molko call­ing his attor­ney. Is that a file cab­i­net down the back of his jacket? I just … I just can’t. Chris is search­ing to find who he’s rip­ping off with this arrange­ment. We’re so proud of our­selves, aren’t we? I get so tired of these a-​holes who think it’s sooo orig­i­nal to run as far away from the theme as pos­si­ble. I just … I just can’t. It burns! It burns! Finally, I agree with him on some­thing. IT BUUUUUUURNS. Simon: “absolute indul­gent rub­bish” and “hor­rific”. He believes view­ers were so inspired as to throw their TV sets out of win­dows. I hope they throw them at our man GG here. I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it any­more. Randy sul­lies the good (?) name of Nine Inch Nails in his appraisal. I just … I just can’t.

ai09_scottmNice Eric Carmen hairdo. Is he wear­ing lower lashes? Sing about them wild angels, dude. They’re watch­ing over you and me (because he can’t watch any­thing for shit). He is leap­ing fur­ther and fur­ther into Tom Sullivan ter­ri­tory with each pass­ing week. This started up and I swear I could pic­ture Pamela Bellwood all moon­ing over him, and then the stage flip­ping over and the piano going vrooom crunch and killing him. Now that would be excit­ing TV! I’m bored. Simon and Paula are fight­ing over some petty shit and I don’t care. Scott reveals the secret behind deter­min­ing the order in which con­tes­tants select songs: “hat picks”. It’s all about shap­ing songs and begin­ning and mid­dle and end and highs and lows, Scott says. Snore.

Imagine the city charg­ing you for ser­vices you didn’t want! Who’s get­ting the bill? Could it hap­pen to you? TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 10!

ai09_alexisgThe Enquirer tells me this one now intro­duces her­self to peo­ple as “the next American Idol.” How adorable. What is she, eight? She should change her last name to “Dick” or per­haps “Repellent”. “Dick Repellent,” heh. I must enter­tain myself some­how. “Jolene,” how orig­i­nal. Dolly deserves bet­ter than this. I can see Chris shak­ing his head vio­lently out of the cor­ner of my eye. Now, if Simon doesn’t get on her case for being incom­pre­hen­si­ble tonight, I might just break some­thing. Thankfully Randy and Kara are all like snore. Paula is like blah blah artis­tic approach telling a story vul­ner­a­ble side of you. Dick Repellent, STOP TALKING AT THE JUDGES. Gah. Stop say­ing “dirty” while you’re at it. She says “all right thee-​aaanks” like all those really insin­cere bitches you have to put up with at work. Yeah, you know.

ai09_dannygJesus, take the wheel. That’s exactly what I say when I see this guy. Coincidence?! What the F is he wear­ing, an Alderaan ski parka?

Is there Thinsulate™ up in that bitch? I keep wait­ing for him to slip and sing “Jesus, take my wife … please.” Paula likes when artists build a story and then there’s that notch and bril­liant and Carrie Underwood and God and the Bible. Simon agrees with me on the jacket. Randy is like you gotta sup­port the verses, when you get to the cho­rus you blaz­ing, sup­port it baby, sup­port it. I’m lost. Where am I? On Alderaan?

ai09_anoopdAnoop is always on our mind. Randy Travis is a lit­tle in love with him! Randy Travis is AMERICA. Anoop’s soul­ful gaze pierces the very core of our col­lec­tive being. Give Anoop one more chance to keep you satisfied—DO IT. I’m over­come by the Raw Emotion™ ema­nat­ing from the TV. Paula talks about pride and gloves and space: “You touched my heart.” Chris: “And my loins!” Simon is in love. Randy is dude, the arrange­ment is dope. Anoop makes the ladies go wild!

ai09_megancJeez, maybe she really is stoned tonight. Oh look, now she’s just “Megan Joy,” how adorable. Was Corkerwhatever her mar­ried last name? She’s divorced, you know. She still doesn’t know how to wear a bra, although it looks like she does know how to drop water bal­loons into the cups of her dress.

Chris is on side­boob watch, I can totally tell. Randy says some­thing about funky bluesy soul­ful Megan thing. Apparently she has the flu. Yes, “the flu”—I’ve heard Lindsay Lohan gets that a lot. More like Loose Knockers Syndrome (LKS). I look for­ward to her suf­fer­ing from “food poi­son­ing,” “dehy­dra­tion,” and “exhaus­tion” in the com­ing weeks. Clearly those hoot­ers are going to keep her in the run­ning for a while. Are they going to burn that micro­phone after she’s sung into it? Girl’s got cooties no mat­ter what.

ai09_mattgAnother Carrie Underwood song! He’s gonna bring it down and make it more emo­tional and do his own thing. I’m not a fan of his suit. Did he for­get a lyric there? I don’t know this song, so I don’t know. This BIG ELTON JOHN ARRANGEMENT speaks to me as a human being. Kara says there’s noth­ing small about him. Uh, inap­pro­pri­ate. Paula strug­gles with var­i­ous incar­na­tions of “authen­tic” and bab­bles about Carrie Underwood. Simon lll­l­l­loooooooves it. Randy is like favorite of the night, mad skills, you got it goin’ on, etc. etc. I feel like it doesn’t mat­ter if every­one loves it since he’s not one of the judges’ faaaaaaa­vorites. I sure know what that’s like.

Wow. Um … this show had a seri­ously high shit fac­tor. For a palate cleanser, let’s enjoy some more awe­some­ness from the awe­some Jerry Reed who is for­ever and eter­nally awesome:

A big hunka Jerry Reed” indeed. I feel bet­ter already.

2 comments to It burns! It burns!

  • Pieman

    Amos Moses lived by him­self in the swamp. I love Amos Moses.

    I think when my wife and I watch this show, you and/​or Chris might be talk­ing in my ear, because many of your com­ments are uttered at our house, too. My wife enjoyed Blind Man Hair this week. I am still get­ting Christopher Cross from him, though.

    I am really start­ing to hate Alexis. She was almost tol­er­a­ble before, but if you believe diali​dol​.com, she’s going home.
    Yay! Will Simon save her?

    I eagerly await your review of tonight’s episode of Up with People, Kim.

  • Kim

    Heh–I love the idea that America may chal­lenge the judges to use up their one and only save so early. Then they’d prob­a­bly say, “New rule: TWO saves! No backs jacks period!”