Smack my bitch up

In his hand, Ryan holds the results that may shock me. I bet­ter put some rubber-​soled shoes on, as this Seacrest drama is elec­tric. Also, buzz report­edly is being gen­er­ated. Goody Gumdrops is all butch with that dyna­mite Woolrich look. Allison looks like she’s wear­ing a firearm hol­ster. Conceal and Carrie (Underwood)? THIS is American Idol!

I’m happy that there are two (two!) guest per­for­mances tonight that I will have no qualms about skip­ping. I believe Paula is wear­ing an ice dancer cos­tume. Ryan is pil­ing on for­tu­itous fore­shad­ow­ing about using the JUDGESSAVE. It’s almost like he knows what the results are!

Our look back at last night reminds me I neglected to point out how Divorced Mom said her cho­sen song was “I Go Out Walking After Midnight,” which reminded me of one my brother’s most dreaded requests: “Can you play ‘Bye Bye Miss American Pie’?” (I believe that may be sec­ond only to “Can you play ‘The Day the Music Died’?”)

Up With People are in “Trouble.” Or per­haps that is “T-​R-​O-​U-​B-​L-​E.” Am I sup­posed to know this song? Apparently no one on stage does since they can’t lip­sync for shit (except for my pre­tend boyfriend Matt G. of coooooourse). Idol isn’t even remotely try­ing to make it appear as if any­one is singing any­thing live any­more, are they? I’m amazed that Divorced Mom is a bet­ter faker than any other con­tes­tant of her gen­der. Oh, I take that back. When it comes to being fake, she’s a pro.

Ryan holds up a water bal­loon. This is a secret mes­sage to tell me he’s read­ing my stuff. I know, I’m spe­cial, I know. Apparently the FORD MUSIC VIDEO! involves water bal­loons. Let’s watch!

FMV! Oh, here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again, oh here it goes again. Hmm, a water bal­loon fight? Stop the vio­lence, peo­ple. You could hurt peo­ple with those things. Imagine if one went in through a win­dow and hit some­one who was oper­at­ing some elec­tri­cal equip­ment and they got elec­tro­cuted and DIED, just like we may expe­ri­ence when Ryan lays those shock­ing results on us. This looks like that NYC street set they kept recy­cling over and over again on the first cou­ple sea­sons of “Without a Trace,” think­ing all they had to do was swap out the store sign and no one would notice. I swear they did that like eight or nine times. This FMV is remark­ably dull. Are they run­ning out of inspi­ra­tion? They should con­sult with me, man. Here’s my pitch: astro­naut cos­tumes, polar bear babies, Tokyo drift­ing. Ka-​ching. They can have that for free! I’ve got a mil­lion more, for I am damn cre­ative. OH, OH, OH, OMG there is a CONTEST in which I could win a VIP trip to the SET of a FORD MUSIC VIDEO!!! I would have a total freak­out. I would lose my shit. My life is that empty. I think I’m going to reg­is­ter for this! I don’t care how much Ford Motor Company spam I get.

Idol knows how to send off its con­tes­tants: Buca style! Let’s take a look at Jasmine and Jorge’s good-​bye party. This is get­ting a lit­tle too up close and per­sonal. I’ve grown accus­tomed to main­tain­ing a respect­ful, mystique-​preserving dis­tance. I won­der if they’re going to start show­ing us what it’s like back at the house like they used to. To be hon­est … I don’t miss those seg­ments at all. This ain’t Top Model, dudes.

ORR!‘s daugh­ter thinks he doesn’t want to be with her any­more. That is one big man who knows how to cry. Divorced Mom’s cooties are con­ta­gious. I’m enter­tained by rehearsal footage of every­one wear­ing face­masks around her.

Nate Dogg and Warren G. (and Idol) got to reg­u­late some asses into the bot­tom three. Anoop is SAFE! Anoop: “First time! First time!” Heh. Let’s reveal two out of our bot­tom three, shall we?

ai09_allisoniai09_michaelsI knew ORR! was on shaky ground, but boo hiss about Allison. In ret­ro­spect it makes sense that she (who is adorable and I love her) would end up there since she sang early in the show, too.

Brad Paisley is bor­ing. He sim­ply can’t bring that Goody Gumdrops heat.

T-​Mobile com­mer­cial with the creepy dude from “Damages” freaks me out!

I’m thrilled to see Insincere Bitch and Goody Gumdrops are in a heated bat­tle for stool #3. Who wins?! (Other than America?!)

ai09_alexisgIs it wrong that I’m mildly dis­ap­pointed? Although the look of dis­gust on her face is a delight, I must say.

Allison is SAFE! Thank the Lord Baby Jesus. I applaud these results! Seriously, I was just applaud­ing. Before the elim­i­na­tion and after the break, let’s enjoy A Very Special Carrie Underwood Duet With Randy Travis.

Your Facebook friend may be your worst enemy. The mem­ory gives some anony­mous lady chills! Someone could be pre­tend­ing to be you and your friends. Robyne Robinson is inex­plic­a­bly wear­ing a Yankees shirt. She says tips from Facebook’s Head of Security will show you how to pro­tect your­self. Also: a stu­dent is charged with black­mail­ing his class­mate! You won’t believe what he’s accused of doing. A sec­ond anony­mous lady is flab­ber­gasted. TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

We are all part of the sis­ter­hood of shoe-​lovers.

Tomorrow night on FOX: an all-​new “Boners”!

Let’s look back at Carrie Underwood. She’s a bah­nafide super­star, Ryan says. Randy Travis’ creepy gaunt­ness lends a sin­is­ter layer of mean­ing to those stitch pat­terns on his jacket. Chris: “Have we estab­lished this isn’t live?” I think the sloppy edit­ing did that for us. Carrie appears to have a sequined taran­tula on her head. Fitting, given her hairdo looks like a tuffet. At least she’s capa­ble of singing live. Randy Travis is singing about how she should get on her knees before him or some shit. OK, now I’m offi­cially traumatized.

Ryan asks if the judges would con­sider using their save for the bot­tom two. Simon says they would for one of them. Did you cor­rectly pre­dict that com­ment would make Insincere Bitch smile with pro­found self-​satisfaction? Yeah, me too!

Dim the lights, here we go. After the nation­wide vote, who’s in the can?

ai09_alexisgHA. Now she must sing for her life (by which I mean the judges’ save). She is des­per­ate and off-​key and des­per­ate and awful. Please, don’t save her just because you can. And …

… they don’t! It’s even more humil­i­at­ing given the judges could have kept her and instead they were like eh, go away. I love this show.

Carrie Underwood, sing Insincere Bitch home to the daugh­ter she hoped to aban­don in pur­suit of fame (and exploit for votes). Let’s take a look back at her magic jour­ney. Thrill to the snide faces she makes in response to ret­ro­spec­tive praise!

Ya blew it, IB. You did not put any “dirty” on your exit. No tour for you, so go push out some more kids. I fore­see a whole life­time of bru­tal stage-​momming ahead. You deserve noth­ing but the best.

7 comments to Smack my bitch up

  • Pieman

    That was AWESOME! The look on her face, the hands on her hips defi­antly look­ing at the judges. Yay for us! It was dou­bly sat­is­fy­ing since Simon told her they thought about sav­ing her, but “nah” we got other peo­ple we might save later that won’t give us the stinkeye.

    Up with People was incred­i­bly bad this week. They’re not even try­ing any­more! The mix on the sound was atro­cious, too. You would think if they are pre-​recording the song, they could make it sound bet­ter, eh?

  • jane

    May I please nom­i­nate you for a Pulitzer for the last line of this post? It is the great­est thing that has ever hap­pened to me.

  • Tammy

    water bal­loons, gun hol­sters, more water balloons…

    you are also read­ings our minds, Kim.

  • OM[f]G!!!! {this} IS just a “joy” and a “delight” on sooooooo[ooooo]ooooo many lev­els that my {MIND} is going to IMPLODE and EXPLODE with PLEASURE and DELIGHT! “Change my pitch up, smack my bitch up…” :-) you said is sis[ta]! xo xo :el fano:

  • PS I must con­fess that I am trou­bled by this ORR! nick­name, because I always think I must have missed a spe­cial appear­ance by my hus­band, Colton Orr.

  • Kim

    Oh gosh–that is unfor­tu­nate! I must find an alter­na­tive, for you both mean that much to me.

    I have become a slave to the strike­out key. It saved my ass on this one. I didn’t know how to end it otherwise!

    I hate that I have the GG ren­di­tion of “Ring of Fire” seared into that part of my brain that forces me to relive hor­ri­ble mem­o­ries on a daily basis. I went down down DAAAAAAAOOOOOOWN and the FLEEEEEEEEEEEEYMS! went high­igher! Oh God.

  • Dollie

    OMG Kim, Miz Underwood’s hair was a tuffet– you’re so right and won­der­ful! I can­not wait for this week. I won­der if Adam’s ring is still burning?