idol

Git-​ret-​tay, git-​ret-​tay.

Tonight: the music of Motown! I hope some­one brings us some Teena Marie. These singers are being talked about, please believe Ryan when he tells you this. What is this? THIS is American Idol!

I HATE THESE NEW OPENINGS SO MUCH AHHH. Although it does give us an oppor­tu­nity to see Paula’s Bjork-​esque white tulle skirt.

Let’s talk about get­ting rid of Insincere Bitch last week. Does any­one miss her? No? OK good! Paula wants to see the con­tes­tants chal­lenge their artis­tic integrity. What? Airport ’77 is using Oil Rig Roughneck as his seeing-​eye boyfriend. Now let’s learn about Motown!

Our con­tes­tants fly to Detroit for a tour of Hitsville USA with Berry Gordy and Smokey Robinson. They are greeted by a smat­ter­ing of ran­dom street peo­ple. History is very historic!

ai09_mattgMatt, let’s get it on. Haters gonna hate. According to Smokey Robinson, Matt did more than jus­tice to get­ting it on. Rrowr. He says Matt really touched him—oooooh. Matt is blown away! What is with his bar­ber­shop quar­tet out­fit? Look out, he’s feel­ing it, he’s get­ting up from behind the piano, look out, look out! Oh, oof—the crotch on those jeans is not fit for fam­ily pro­gram­ming. The spirit is mov­ing him to groove you. Yes, I see that. I want to truly enjoy this but I can’t get around the cut of those trousers, I’m sorry. Randy says he set this off on a tone right here and worked it out baby. Paula praises his sexy­coolvibe and taste­ful riffs that fit the melody like a pair of old jeans. Ryan asks Matt if he’s “feel­ing his growth.” Gosh, I think we all can right now. I’m scandalized.

Don’t for­get to down­load our con­tes­tants per­form­ing Motown karaōke on iTunes!

ai09_krisaThis dude must be teeny, teeny tiny. He makes Smokey pos­i­tively giddy. Smokey can’t believe how he can sing and play gui­tar at the same time. Does Smokey get out much? How sweet it is, etc. etc., “bop-​shoo-​bop” back­ground singers are woe­fully unnec­es­sary. Is it weird that I don’t totally hate this? Kara tells us about artistry. Paula tells us about infec­tions and high ‘A’s. Simon rec­om­mends he become more con­ceited. Randy is like lis­ten dude keep it in stride it’s all good. I’m bored.

It’s called SEXTING. It’s some­thing your kids might be doing—and it could land them in jail. All this plus your WeatherFirst fore­cast TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

ai09_scottmAirport ’77 just makes me uncom­fort­able. Those is some pink pants he’s wear­ing. The piano is a part of who he is. Paula has a feel­ing he is going to bring it. Smokey enjoys him all the time. He says this twice. You can’t hurry love, peo­ple. Oh God, it’s just more piano bar bull­shit that makes me want to die. Snore, snore snore snore snore. This is about the hok­i­est thing ever. Hey ladies, he’s sin­gle! Paula is way too kind. Simon says every­thing I’m think­ing. Randy talks about other con­tes­tants’ knobs. Paula gives Simon crayons and col­or­ing books. This show is weird.

ai09_megancDivorced Mom sure loves her­self. For once in her life, she has some­one who needs her. Other than her­self? Hmm. She can­not deal with those high notes, and nei­ther can I. This arrange­ment is hideous. She looks like she is in pain. She is dressed like a cock­a­too. Hey, I just fig­ured out what’s out of whack here: her knock­ers are under con­trol. Randy says train­wreck rushed and mad crazy I don’t know dude I’m sorry man. Paula says her stun­ning beauty takes her breath away. Thank good­ness every­one hates her per­for­mance, as I was begin­ning to think I was los­ing my mind. Of course the judges are just harsh enough to inspire vot­ing, which is all part of their evil nefar­i­ous plan. Simon says she should fire who­ever is giv­ing her advice. He wants her to set those knock­ers free again, clearly.

ai09_anoopdOoh, baby baby! Smokey is feel­ing Anoop’s sen­su­al­ity. Smokey sure likes every­body a lot. Anoop is bring­ing it! His out­fit is com­pli­cated. He is way too quiet on the cho­ruses, but what­ever. Randy is all nice to croon and swoon, next week turn the party on, he’s up there and doing his thing, man, a duel to the fin­ish, the boys are like strong, dude.

I’m only halfway through this, aren’t I? Gosh.

ai09_michaelsHe ain’t too proud to beg. He’s gonna church it up. Nice flip-​flops, dude. Smokey wants him to pound it! Oh my. Ain’t too proud to be-​heh-​heg, skweee, baby baby, oof. That is one unfor­tu­nate “big man” look: boxy blazer, untucked oxford. It’s like a muumuu for dudes. Cheesy audi­ence hand-​grabbing is cheesy. This feels 10 min­utes long. Simon says he has no chance of win­ning which is like duh. This chat with the judges feels 10 min­utes long. Oh please can’t we move it along, people?

ai09_lilrLil’ Rounz expe­ri­enced emo­tional emo­tions dur­ing her trip to Detroit. These emo­tions have inspired her to wear a Fosse dancer cos­tume, com­plete with strangely shaped wig. Her love is like a heat­wave! That’s a bizarre choice to express the pro­found depth of her life-​changing expe­ri­ence in Hitsville USA. This song has made her emo­tional. Randy was like the front of the song was a lit­tle tor­tured, dude, space in the bars, uptempo things, you wanna feel that, know what I’m sayin’?

ai09_adamlYou don’t have to look too closely to see the tracks of my tears when this dude is around. Nice kd lang drag there. Prop acoustic musi­cians! It’s got­ten to the sad point where his “switch­ing it up” now means singing in a straight­for­ward man­ner. Snore. This dude is gross. HD brings out the fear in his eyes. Inside he is mas­querad­ing indeed. Kara: “I have six words for you: One of the best per­for­mances of the night.” Everyone falls over them­selves with praise and I am like vom­i­i­i­i­iit. The fix is in, so why bother watching?

ai09_dannygGet ready! Dead Wife Man is will­ing to allow that Smokey’s advice may be good advice, as he has been in the indus­try longer than he has. Uh. Hmm. Well. Get ready, ’cause here he comes to dig his dead wife out her grave. He’s on his way! Ahhhhh! That back­ground is giv­ing me seizures. Or maybe it’s just him. Randy says he’s def­i­nitely a dope—I mean, he’s def­i­nitely got a dope voice, par­don me. Judges must hastily rush through their feed­back since they took way too long with every­one else. Yeah, suck it DWM, you don’t deserve our time.

ai09_allisoniSmokey explains for us all the com­plex mean­ing of “Papa Was a Rolling Stone.” See, a 16-​year-​old has the brains to pick this song and Lil’ Rounz set­tles for “Heatwave”? Give me a break. This is good, what­ever, this sea­son is rapidly los­ing me. Kara: “You sing that like you’ve been singing for 400 years! That is FROM GOD!!!” Oh my word. Someone must have upped the dosage in her drip dur­ing the ad break. I think she’s hav­ing an attack. Simon appar­ently drew a mus­tache on Paula with marker. This show really is weird, jeez.

Ryan tells us our votes are more nec­es­sary than ever. What, we’ve been wast­ing our time for the last seven years?

Berry Gordy and Smokey Robinson are ele­gant gentlemen.

So the ones I hated I really hated and the ones I liked I really liked. The only sur­prise is me not com­pletely hat­ing the Jason Mraz guy with the child bride. I worry from Matt being in the lead­off spot, but I’m still trau­ma­tized by his crotch activ­ity so I’m gonna make him sit in the cor­ner for now. Who is dress­ing these guys? Seriously.

There’s prob­a­bly no hope of Dead Wife Man or kd lan­ga­like going home just yet, so if any­one other than Airport ’77, Divorced Mom, or Roughneck gets the boot tomor­row, I might have a freak­out. Can’t wait!

5 comments to Git-​ret-​tay, git-​ret-​tay.

  • Pieman

    You hit on the exact three that diali​dol​.com says are in dan­ger of being booted.

    And you know Danny and Adam are the final two, right? Come on. They are.

    I missed the first three so I will take your word on Matt, Kris and Airport 77, but just watch­ing the snip­pet at the end, I think the Blind Dude has got to go, doesn’t he? Maybe the Tattooed Lady? Her voice is so annoying.

    And did you watch the sex­ting piece? We need to know these things!

  • Kim

    Thanks to the won­ders of the Interwebs, we all can enjoy this hot FOX 9 inves­tiga­tive investigation!

    http://​www​.myfox​twinci​ties​.com/​d​p​p​/​n​e​w​s​/​I​n​v​e​s​t​i​g​a​t​o​r​s​_​O​v​e​r​e​x​p​o​s​e​d​_​m​a​r​c​h​_​2​4​_​2​009

    Airport ’77 and Divorced Mom were so, so so, so so so so bad. I don’t know which one was worse. I guess Airport ’77, who just gives me the creeps now with his demented grins and ten­dency to hop about the place like a kid who has to pee. At least I can make fun of that one lady’s boobs. This is such a sausage­fest any­way, so they HAVE to get rid of a dude. Y’know, not that this show is fixed or anything.

  • pieman

    Yeah, just one more rea­son my thir­teen year old isn’t get­ting a cell phone any time soon. Thanks for the link, Kim!

  • Tammy

    The final two will be Allison and Lady Lambert

  • ohhh lady of the ruby­traxxx … i have a con­fes­sion [insert “like-​a-​prayer” [esther] ins{tra}[mental] acca(pella) moment] {ps: that was in italics[lol]} … my mother believe[s] that {{{{{{“I”}}}}}} [el fano] … am the em[body]ment of the one … the only {for you} cringe-​tast-​tixx ADAM [kd-​lang-​a-​drag-​a-​pella] LAMBERT!!!! In thought…word…looks…and…DEED!!?! [?????wtf????]… i am out­raged and scan­dal­ized in more [pos­si­ble] HUMAN[and]{un/in}HUMAN{ly} ways than i can count. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
    [sigh]. I do even of an under­stand!!!!!!!!!
    any­way… [i had to share] …:el fano: + Adam L = zero stars! :-(
    xo xo :el fano: