I don’t think I’ve ever seen it this tough

Tell me about it! Boy, this open­ing pack­age sure makes this sea­son seem far more dra­matic and sus­pense­ful than it actu­ally is. Creative edit­ing helps me to believe this. What is this? THIS is American Idol!

Show ’em some love, your Top 10! My Top 10 in HELL, per­haps. Tonight, Ruben!!!!!!! Smokey and creepy Joss Stone will per­form a duet. All this, plus The Legendary Stevie Wonder! Ryan tells us the judges’ save could make for an excit­ing evening. What?

Lady Lambert (™ Tammy) is still gross.

Up With People gives us a pre­taped med­ley of lip­synched Motown hits. Wow. WOW. This is cer­tainly … um. Well, “new” is not the right word. Pretty soon they’re just going to cre­ate ani­mated CGI con­tes­tants to do this work for them, I guess. Chris wants Anoop’s shirt. Uh, no, Megan, why don’t you get out of my life. Matt, you’re all I need to get by. Holy moly. This is so ghastly that I LOVE IT. It’s like the Ford Music Video times minus 1 mil­lion. It really is Up With People. Ain’t no river wide enough to keep me far enough away from most of these losers!

FORD MUSIC VIDEO! These young­sters have a pock­et­ful of sun­shine, which means they’re putting together a giant puz­zle, and a Hybrid is some­how involved. Snore. This year’s FMVs are way too far in lame­ass generic TV com­mer­cial ter­ri­tory. I miss the nar­ra­tive lunacy and ridicu­lous cos­tum­ing of sea­sons past. Chris is incensed by the out­right fal­sity of Airport ’77 help­ing to put the puz­zle together. High point: Matt is once again rock­ing the HAT.

I Dream of Ruben (File Photo)PTL it’s time for RUBEN. I’m out­raged that Ryan refers to him as a “con­tes­tant.” THE MAN RAN AWAY WITH SEASON 2. GET OVER IT. Chris is freak­ing out for Ruben’s suit: “Oh man, fly! That man’s got it!” He sur­mises he’s in cos­tume for the movie of The Prisoner. “He’s wear­ing Number 6’s—don’t tell me you didn’t see that!” It’s so much eas­ier to do this when Chris is here. RUBEN! Dude knows how to sweat out a song, dang. “Thank you every­body, I love you.” I love you too, Ruben! You will for­ever bring me great joy.

ai09_mattgMatt ends sen­tences with “so” just like I do. It’s like we’re the same per­son! Oh, and he’s in the bot­tom three. Suck it, Idol.

ai09_michaelsI don’t know if it makes me feel any bet­ter that this dude is right there with him. Grr.

Joss Stone is high as a kite. Chris: “Didn’t she used to be cuter?” The delight­ful Smokey tot­ters over to her in a most adorable fash­ion. I’m sur­prised he can even move his mouth to sing, he’s so injected fulla stuff. Check out that curl! Damn. Nice pinky ring, too. Yay now it’s over!

Paula’s dress is a lit­tle adorable. Ryan can’t stop play­ing bon­gos on the empty stool. I think Matt needs a hug. I think Ryan should give him one. I just noticed the weird clasp across Paula’s cleav­age and I take back what I said about her dress.

ai09_scottmWhew, No. 3. But oh no oh no oh no he’s also safe and sent right back! Ohhhh God I hate this show!!!!!

There are rivers in some places, and they are flood­ing. TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

Matt, I’m sorry I sent you to the cor­ner over your crotch creepi­ness last night. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Now let’s wel­come The Legendary Stevie Wonder to the stage!

At least Mr. TLS Wonder has the good sense to wear sun­glasses and not freak peo­ple the F out, Airport ’77. Kara is hav­ing an attack. Lady Lambert is doing the Axl Rose to “Overjoyed.” Kill me in the face. Poor Matt is too despon­dent to truly get him a piece. Roughneck clearly doesn’t give a shit. Meanwhile, every­one else on the couches is like FUCK YEAH BITCHES WHOO. I hate this show, even as TLS Wonder tells me it’s all about positivity.

ai09_michaelsAnd after the record (for a Top 10 show) nation­wide vote, he’s going home! Why are they even let­ting him “sing for his life”? You know they ain’t keep­ing him. I hate this show. Wait, it’s all about pos­i­tiv­ity! No, I hate this show. Ain’t to proud to pee, baby baby. Paula and Kara are twerkin’ it to his per­for­mance. They must just be thrilled to be get­ting rid of him. I wish they’d just use the stu­pid save so that we don’t have to go through this crap any­more. Ooh, feel the MANUFACTURED SUSPENSE. Michael, you’re going home! Well, no shit, we all said that already.

Ugh, at least one more week of blinds are like reg­u­lars now. Watch him applaud Roughneck’s dis­missal! What a dick!

Aww, Roughneck sure is cheer­ful about the whole thing, though. Good man. If Ryan pro­claims him a class act, you know it’s true. Now stay tuned for Hell’s Kitchen! Wait, didn’t we just see—oh, for­get it.

Despite one of my cho­sen go-​homers being cho­sen to go home, he’s still the one I would have at least been able to tol­er­ate for a cou­ple more weeks. Ugh, this show can blow me.

3 comments to I don’t think I’ve ever seen it this tough

  • Pieman

    I can­not believe Megan was not in the bot­tom three. Really? She’s gross and sings like crap.

    ORR did seem pretty damn happy to be done with show, didn’t he? He gets to go on tour with them all but he gets a sev­eral week break now to just chill and watch the other nine work sweat it out. I did think Matt was mor­ti­fied to be lumped into the bot­tom three this week. Big come­back next week as going first like he did this week is a handicap.

    I also saw you caught the LARGEST VOTE TOTAL EVAH! (for a Top 10 show.…) How may of those do they have each year? Oh right, one.

    The Up with People seg­ment get worse every week. I LOVE it!

  • Y’know we never found out if Joss was bare­foot under that stage-​sweepin’ length dress she wore. Obviously, she must have been. It was nice of her to hide it and not weird out half the crowd, and arouse the foot-​fetish other half of the crowd. (Sadly, I escaped hav­ing the foot fetish. Now you know.)

  • Tammy

    So last night I was watch­ing Jimmy Fallon. I look at the screen and think to myself… “Adam Lambert is on?” then “Gee, that’s an extra sparkley shirt even.”

    Turns out it was Kelly Osbourne!

    spit­ting. freak­ing. image.