Two snails com­pet­ing with a racehorse

Simon is rock­ing one seri­ous flat­top tonight. Ryan is once again embrac­ing the G-​man look I so love and admire. We are LOCKED IN on some live Idol! Randy, open us up tonight. Kara, what is artistry? Let’s meet the artists who are bat­tling for our infection—I mean, affec­tion. Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna look fright­en­ing as they approve. What is this? THIS is American Idol!

The theme this week: pop­u­lar down­loads. Let’s learn about dig­i­tal air­play! Not dig­i­tal fore­play. That’s gross.

ai09_anoopdAnoop is bring­ing us some­thing HI-​NRG. Usher? Um, OK then. HOT ENTRANCE MOVES. I’m dis­turbed by the accou­trements on his jacket. ATTITUDE. He’s got it, ooh. Does he have glit­ter in his eye­brows? Randy is like so check it out baby what’s going down what’s inter­est­ing baby man, you picked up your swag­ger, right? Paula some­how believes he needs to work on his stage pres­ence. Oh man, the nerve. Simon has a headache. Anoop is the new King of R&B. This show dis­torts my approach to reality.

ai09_megancShe says the judges “punched [her] in the mouth” last week. I wish! She’s going to turn the lights down low. Nice … uh, braid. As Tears for Fears once sang, she is a woman in chains. Is she get­ting worse each week? Is that even pos­si­ble? Chris com­pares her voice to a Muppet’s, thereby insult­ing the entire Jim Henson king­dom. Kara: “irri­tat­ing.” Paula fan­tasy books her ideal per­for­mance. It involves a stool and rip­ping hearts out. Simon is nasty enough to encour­age unde­served vot­ing. Randy: “watch­ing paint dry.” Divorced Mom believes the audi­ence and her “fans” were “feel­ing it.” Good luck with that. Maybe she should now be known as Delusional Mom.

Don’t miss the sneak peek at David Cook’s new music video, “Come Back to Me,” star­ring David Cook as Jesus of Montréal!

ai09_dannygDWM is bring­ing us Rascallll Flatttttts. What hurts the most? Probably not hav­ing a dead wife, ’cause that’s what brought him to the big dance. Someone needs to tie his hands down, as his ges­tic­u­la­tions bother me. Come back to him (from beyond the grave)! This isn’t a cow tragedy, but I still want to punch this dude in the balls. Randy is like dude brought it crazy with the vocals, all that emo­tion com­ing out of you, keep it mov­ing, take the mic off the stand, dude, rock it. Kara believes he moved every­one emo­tion­ally. In their bow­els, maybe.

ai09_allisoniAww, she’s so cute in her lit­tle hair and lit­tle dress and big gui­tar and big­ger shoes. Don’t speak! There is much EG Daily going on here. David Spade sight­ing! Randy is like what are you wear­ing, baby I got mad love for you but I don’t get the ensem­ble with you tonight. Kara: “The rock in you comes out of you.” OK then. Paula refers to Allison’s “axe.” I think her lids are weighed down by all that glit­ter. I mean, she couldn’t pos­si­bly be “relaxed” or anything.

Coming up: Airport ’77 does Billy Joel! We’re less than halfway through! Oh God!!!

ai09_scottmHe’s going to strip it down and show his heart. He’s had a Shaun Cassidy makeover. He loves you just the way you are. Just … no. Enough already. ENOUGH. Are we in a time warp? Is this the John Davidson Show? Dinah Shore? Yes? No? Where am I? How did I get here? What am I wear­ing? Kara is patron­iz­ing and loves that he’s being right there in his area. Paula talks about chal­lenges and thrills and legato. Randy gal­lantly steps into the Paula-​Simon fra­cas to move things along to the damn break. Randy Jackson, you are the real hero. I won­der if all this praise is to lull view­ers into not vot­ing? Ooh, sin­is­ter. I hope it works.

So I guess “pop­u­lar down­loads” are “any­thing in the frig­ging cat­a­log.” What would I choose? Well, they bet­ter have some Matt Berry in there.

He’s like no other kid in the entire world—diagnosed with two rare dis­or­ders, this local boy is beat­ing the odds to lead a bet­ter life! And some­one is steal­ing your tax dol­lars. TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

ai09_mattgMatt is still here! He is singing the Fray because he is adorable. I like that Members Only look. Is that stag­ing legal? It’s very American Bandstand. Paula talks about abor­tion and riff­ing and I know who you are. Simon uses “put on” and “uptight” and “uncom­fort­able.” Randy says you gotta let all that fla­vor out baby. Oh these judges are old farts who don’t under­stand what the young kids are all about.

ai09_lilrWho is that? Lil’ Rounz has been replaced by a com­pletely dif­fer­ent per­son. Oh that dress is nuh-​ot flat­ter­ing. That’s right, two syl­la­bles. She’d sur­ren­der every­thing, she knows you can feel it too, thank you, thank you, Celine Dion every­body, Miss Celine Dion. This is really tor­tu­ous. Randy some­how thinks she sang it well (what?) but young it up a bit, what? For some bizarre rea­son, Paula makes more sense than either Randy and Kara. Simon is the voice of san­ity: “You gotta stop this!” Ryan knows how to work the chil­dren for charity.

ai09_adamlLet’s wel­come Lea DeLaria to the stage, ladies and gen­tle­men! Oh wait. A lit­tle Wild Cherry for us all. Oh God. I can’t. I can’t do this. I can’t. Wow. Just … please no. What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this? He busts some Petite Feet moves out just for Tammy. Is Paula read­ing her com­ments off a cue card? “True genius”? Really? Randy says he’s in the star zone, but I heard Star Jones. Lady Lambert kisses Rickey Minor’s ass. Kara com­pares this to “Studio 57.” More like Heinz 57, am I right peo­ple? Just … Lord Baby Jesus, no.

ai09_krisaThey got one more for ya tonight, and it’s “Ain’t No Sunshine,” and he hopes it’s some­thing no one’s seen before (what?) and he’s going to make one of those moments. Mandisa approves! Someone’s been hit­ting the turbo tan­ner. What the hell kind of key is this? Wait … uh. OK. OK. OK OK. OK now, OK. Dude. What is he singing. What. WHAT. WTF. What. Check it:

Wonder if some-​of-​where she’s God
Wonder lift she’s go, say
Little sun­shine when she’s go
And this south she say no on
Anytime she go no way.

Seriously. I rewound that like five times to be sure. Randy says he been slayin’ ’em in the zone. Kara has three words: “That is artistry woo.” I just … ugh, all I can think of is Season 7 Amanda’s approach to enun­ci­a­tion. YOU SHEEP. YOU HAVE BEEN FOOLED. SUCKERS! SUCKERS! Oh, and I don’t put out.

Wow. That sure blew, didn’t it?

1 comment to Two snails com­pet­ing with a racehorse

  • I am seri­ously offended by this show and its lame “Songs That Exist” theme. I must be going soft because I didn’t even hate Kris, but was obvi­ously pay­ing more atten­tion to the cat than to his lyrics.

    Thank you for Lea DeLaria. That is it exactly. Could any­one ever explain to me the appeal of one Lady Lambert? Anyone? Ever? Never?