April Fools, sucker

Not another dra­matic open­ing video! This makes me won­der what I am miss­ing. Actually, no, because most of the stuff in this thing is lame. What is this thing? THIS thing is American Idol!

Ryan informs us that one of these con­tes­tants could lose it all. You’d think one of them actu­ally will lose it all, as that’s the point of the elim­i­na­tion show, but let’s not for­get the thrilling wild­card that is the JUDGES’ SAVE.

JASON!!! How you delight me just sit­ting there in the audi­ence. Don’t for­get folks, he’s the spe­cial guest on this week’s “Idol Extra” or what­ever the hell that show is called on the FOX Reality Channel. I do not approve of his seat-​neighbor, Insincere Bitch. How dare she sit next to our beloved Young Jason Castro? Is she poi­son­ing him with her viral shit­ti­ness? My anger is spik­ing, ugh. I’m gonna have to write that down in my diary.

I enjoy Kara’s open hos­til­ity when Lady GaGa’s name is men­tioned. These brief moments remind me why I’m here. Paula refers to AI as “the world’s biggest plat­form to per­form on.” OK then. The sur­face of Lady Lambert’s face is DISGUSTING. Like a broke­down boot­leg Muppet cov­ered in sand­pa­per. Sandpaper and BULLSHIT.

Without fur­ther ado, let’s get the FORD MUSIC VIDEO! out of the way! I used to so look for­ward to these. They once brought me such joy, now they only bring me zzzzzzzz. These kids are mixed up, and they think they like it! What do we have here? It’s an exquis­ite corpse or dare I say Fashion Plates by Tomy® con­cept. Look how funny it is when that guy’s head is on that girl’s body! And vice versa! How about throw­ing in some Ford auto­mo­bile parts?! Imagine the pos­si­bil­i­ties!!!!!! It’s CRAZY. Matt is adorable. Airport ’77 is just gross. I now real­ize that Kris reminds me of a for­mer coworker whom I will not name. (Jane, you’ll fig­ure it out if you haven’t already.)

Up With People brings us the Popular Download known as “Don’t Stop Believin’.” This song means one thing to me: time to take a pee/​smoke break at the karaōke room. Someone needs to teach these chil­dren how to lip­sync. Not Delusional Mom, though. It’s the one thing she’s good at, other than, like, suck­ing. Kris’ T-​shirt implores us to not stop the music. Rickey Minor FEELS IT. Lil’ Rounz’ expand­ing breas­t­ices are fright­en­ing me. Lady Lambert’s tongue is green. Who knew I’d miss the excite­ment and vari­ety afforded us by med­leys? FIST IN THE AIR. Oh my. Whew—thanks for finally end­ing, Up With People!

Ryan has results for us … in his pants. But first, let’s take a look at a typ­i­cal Idol week. It’s busy! Idol, I told you I didn’t want any behind the scenes real life up close and per­sonal can­did moments. Matt’s imper­son­ation of DWM is an excep­tion. More please! Lady Lambert says the con­tes­tants are “all the Fresh Princes and Fresh Princesses of Bel Air.” Oh, we know which side she’s on. Scott eat­ing choco­late cake is one of the more dis­turb­ing images I’ve had the dis­plea­sure of tak­ing in. I want to throw it back up. He’s gonna eat it, all right. OK, the passive-​aggressive rev­e­la­tions of how the con­tes­tants truly feel about one another through the medium of imi­ta­tion is a delight. More please! Wow, DWM is a dick. Not a sur­prise, just con­tin­ued validation.

Let’s wel­come our rain­ing reign­ing American Idol, David Cook! He’s wear­ing his Pete Wentz cos­tume, I see. Ugh, his face is my ipecac. Some things haven’t changed. Oh, is he play­ing a song? I don’t notice it. That is because it is bor­ing. Is he audi­tion­ing for Collective Soul? (That is an insult to Collective Soul. I’m sorry, Collective Soul.) That drummer’s been prac­tic­ing his Dave Grohl moves in the rehearsal space, clearly. I bet there’s a big mir­ror in there. Big enough for David Cook’s giant dis­gust­ing head and dis­pro­por­tion­ately tiny eye­brows. CREEPY STALKER MOM SIGHTING!!! Hey look, his album went plat­inum. Remember how Jordin Sparks’ album had only gone gold at this point last year? Ha ha, suck it, Jordin Sparks. To be out­per­formed by David Cook is to truly taste shame.

Dim the lights, let’s start some fights. I’m not going to even break down how they’re going through the who’s in/who’s out bull­shit, as I have nei­ther the energy nor the patience. Let’s get to our bot­tom three, shall we?

Delusional Mom is rock­ing quite the Contempo Casuals look. She’s act­ing like an idiot—what a shock.

“Hey, famil­iar chair!” Cheerful in the face of injus­tice, that’s our girl.

Look, Jason Castro’s yawn­ing! Feels like old times. It’s between Airport ’77 and Anoop. Who’s the lucky one?

Not any of us, appar­ently. Oh F-​ing F, give me a break. That Airport ’77 bull­shit last night was THE WORST EVER. God. I hate this show.

Facebook faux pas! Social blun­ders on the social network—TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

So Lady GaGa is a worse singer than Delusional Mom? Really? FFWD. Oh wait, zesty dancers! UNFFWD. I’ll endure this crap for zesty dancers. Idol, you are noth­ing if not a mas­ter manipulator.

It’s down to Anoop and Delusional Mom. She’s caught the patented Season 7 Carly “I suck and every­one hates me so I’m gonna act like as much of an ass­hole as I can to prove that I’m totally above it all” dis­ease. And guess what?

She’s going home! You don’t say. She: “It’s OK, I don’t care.” Simon: “When you say you don’t care, nei­ther do we.” Simon, you warm my heart some­times. Now let’s lis­ten to the hor­ror of her voice one final time, hope­fully for­ever! Her jew­elry is out­sing­ing her and I am pray­ing to see her tip over in those plat­forms. Sadly, she makes it out unscathed.

Let’s look back at DM’s mag­i­cal jour­ney. Aw, she seems gen­uinely emo­tional about see­ing her kid again. Now I feel bad for being such a bitch. Chris: “Could you show us your boobs one last time?” Whew, thanks for snap­ping me out of it! I’m cured, by God, I’m cured.