Not another dramatic opening video! This makes me wonder what I am missing. Actually, no, because most of the stuff in this thing is lame. What is this thing? THIS thing is American Idol!
Ryan informs us that one of these contestants could lose it all. You’d think one of them actually will lose it all, as that’s the point of the elimination show, but let’s not forget the thrilling wildcard that is the JUDGES’ SAVE.
JASON!!! How you delight me just sitting there in the audience. Don’t forget folks, he’s the special guest on this week’s “Idol Extra” or whatever the hell that show is called on the FOX Reality Channel. I do not approve of his seat-neighbor, Insincere Bitch. How dare she sit next to our beloved Young Jason Castro? Is she poisoning him with her viral shittiness? My anger is spiking, ugh. I’m gonna have to write that down in my diary.
I enjoy Kara’s open hostility when Lady GaGa’s name is mentioned. These brief moments remind me why I’m here. Paula refers to AI as “the world’s biggest platform to perform on.” OK then. The surface of Lady Lambert’s face is DISGUSTING. Like a brokedown bootleg Muppet covered in sandpaper. Sandpaper and BULLSHIT.
Without further ado, let’s get the FORD MUSIC VIDEO! out of the way! I used to so look forward to these. They once brought me such joy, now they only bring me zzzzzzzz. These kids are mixed up, and they think they like it! What do we have here? It’s an exquisite corpse or dare I say Fashion Plates by Tomy® concept. Look how funny it is when that guy’s head is on that girl’s body! And vice versa! How about throwing in some Ford automobile parts?! Imagine the possibilities!!!!!! It’s CRAZY. Matt is adorable. Airport ’77 is just gross. I now realize that Kris reminds me of a former coworker whom I will not name. (Jane, you’ll figure it out if you haven’t already.)
Up With People brings us the Popular Download known as “Don’t Stop Believin’.” This song means one thing to me: time to take a pee/smoke break at the karaōke room. Someone needs to teach these children how to lipsync. Not Delusional Mom, though. It’s the one thing she’s good at, other than, like, sucking. Kris’ T-shirt implores us to not stop the music. Rickey Minor FEELS IT. Lil’ Rounz’ expanding breastices are frightening me. Lady Lambert’s tongue is green. Who knew I’d miss the excitement and variety afforded us by medleys? FIST IN THE AIR. Oh my. Whew—thanks for finally ending, Up With People!
Ryan has results for us … in his pants. But first, let’s take a look at a typical Idol week. It’s busy! Idol, I told you I didn’t want any behind the scenes real life up close and personal candid moments. Matt’s impersonation of DWM is an exception. More please! Lady Lambert says the contestants are “all the Fresh Princes and Fresh Princesses of Bel Air.” Oh, we know which side she’s on. Scott eating chocolate cake is one of the more disturbing images I’ve had the displeasure of taking in. I want to throw it back up. He’s gonna eat it, all right. OK, the passive-aggressive revelations of how the contestants truly feel about one another through the medium of imitation is a delight. More please! Wow, DWM is a dick. Not a surprise, just continued validation.
Let’s welcome our
raining reigning American Idol, David Cook! He’s wearing his Pete Wentz costume, I see. Ugh, his face is my ipecac. Some things haven’t changed. Oh, is he playing a song? I don’t notice it. That is because it is boring. Is he auditioning for Collective Soul? (That is an insult to Collective Soul. I’m sorry, Collective Soul.) That drummer’s been practicing his Dave Grohl moves in the rehearsal space, clearly. I bet there’s a big mirror in there. Big enough for David Cook’s giant disgusting head and disproportionately tiny eyebrows. CREEPY STALKER MOM SIGHTING!!! Hey look, his album went platinum. Remember how Jordin Sparks’ album had only gone gold at this point last year? Ha ha, suck it, Jordin Sparks. To be outperformed by David Cook is to truly taste shame.
Dim the lights, let’s start some fights. I’m not going to even break down how they’re going through the who’s in/who’s out bullshit, as I have neither the energy nor the patience. Let’s get to our bottom three, shall we?
Delusional Mom is rocking quite the Contempo Casuals look. She’s acting like an idiot—what a shock.
“Hey, familiar chair!” Cheerful in the face of injustice, that’s our girl.
Look, Jason Castro’s yawning! Feels like old times. It’s between Airport ’77 and Anoop. Who’s the lucky one?
Not any of us, apparently. Oh F-ing F, give me a break. That Airport ’77 bullshit last night was THE WORST EVER. God. I hate this show.
Facebook faux pas! Social blunders on the social network—TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!
So Lady GaGa is a worse singer than Delusional Mom? Really? FFWD. Oh wait, zesty dancers! UNFFWD. I’ll endure this crap for zesty dancers. Idol, you are nothing if not a master manipulator.
It’s down to Anoop and Delusional Mom. She’s caught the patented Season 7 Carly “I suck and everyone hates me so I’m gonna act like as much of an asshole as I can to prove that I’m totally above it all” disease. And guess what?
She’s going home! You don’t say. She: “It’s OK, I don’t care.” Simon: “When you say you don’t care, neither do we.” Simon, you warm my heart sometimes. Now let’s listen to the horror of her voice one final time, hopefully forever! Her jewelry is outsinging her and I am praying to see her tip over in those platforms. Sadly, she makes it out unscathed.
Let’s look back at DM’s magical journey. Aw, she seems genuinely emotional about seeing her kid again. Now I feel bad for being such a bitch. Chris: “Could you show us your boobs one last time?” Whew, thanks for snapping me out of it! I’m cured, by God, I’m cured.
So, this Lady Gaga? Is this what all the kids are listening to? Because she sucked. I must say I had not heard of her and thought it was some elaborate April Fool prank on us old people.
I think we ought to put Castro back in this season, coz he’d win this time!
And what was all the caw-cawing that DM was doing? She looked fricking retarded all night long. Good riddance.
Heh, Shaun Cassidy. I liked that one.
CA CAW! CA CAW!
yeah… that really happened.
I am still not sure who Kris should be reminding me of, but I think that is because I haven’t looked at him much. I spend most “Idol” time chatting with Dollie, annoying the cat and downloading free iPhone applications. Bad viewer! Next week, for sure.
PS “His face is my ipecac” makes life worth living.