I am an artist!

Me and my respon­si­bil­i­ties is havin’ a fight this week, so I’m only spend­ing one day on this—it’s impor­tant for my well-​being that I avoid unpleas­ant expe­ri­ences, see. What is ‘this’, you ask? THIS is American Idol!

Eight peo­ple stand before the nation! Their dream-​lives lie in our hands, or some­thing. Tonight’s theme is songs from the year the con­tes­tants were born, and that means BABY PICTURES!—as if that is some spe­cial entice­ment to dis­tin­guish the extra­or­di­nary nature of tonight’s enter­tain­ment. Some bald dude in the audi­ence looks alarmed. Let’s go back in time with our judges and our host, shall we? Randy is decked out in Fruit of Islam fin­ery. Simon’s in some kind of Fahrenheit 451/​starfighter out­fit which is tremen­dously awe­some. Ryan looks like a water­head demon. Paula and Kara are about what you would expect. Carry on!

ai09_dannygDWM is the old­est con­tes­tant, hav­ing been born in 1980. Where are my razor blades? This means he’s singing a song released almost 20 years prior, which would be “Stand by Me.” Ohhhhhhhh … kaaaaaay. It’s too early in this process for me to hate this much, but DWM is noth­ing if not a mir­a­cle worker. This is like seri­ously the most off-​key and self-​indulgent bull­shit. Wontchaplease stand, st-​stand st-​st-​stand, stand by me! Vomit, vomit, vomit. Oh Dead Wife, wontchap­lease stand by him? He’ll prop you up with sticks and cement to make it hap­pen, he’s that ded­i­cated to you. (Then he’ll throw you under the near­est bus when he’s finished—grief and tragedy are what his ‘fans’ demand!) Everyone over­looks the fact that this song did not debut in 1980. Everyone loves this. Everyone appar­ently wants me dead.

I still main­tain my birth year song would be “Go Back” by Crabby Appleton—I mean, if they’ll allow “Stand by Me” as a song from 19frigging80, then they’ve gotta let me fudge being born 10 days short of 1970.

ai09_krisaPssst Jane: Think for­mer coworker mar­ried to another for­mer coworker, no longer in NYC. Yeah right?! Dude’s par­ents say he wanted to be a taxi dri­ver when he was a kid. Haha. It’s 1985 and all his under­age bride wants to do is dance! He bites Matt’s American Bandstand stag­ing from last week. Copycat! Jealous. This is some kind of Jamband-​iroquai arrange­ment, here. Somehow I don’t com­pletely hate it, which goes to show how far my stan­dards have fallen. At least dude picked a frig­ging era-​accurate song. Paula says this is “about one of the most melod­i­cally same notes songs.” OK then! Simon says it’s every­thing that DWM’s per­for­mance actu­ally was, e.g. “indul­gent” and “stu­pid, stu­pid song choice.” God whatever.

ai09_lilrLil’ Rounz explains it all, which is that her name is Lil, period. It’s 1984, and what’s love got to do with it? Apparently she has watched this video way too many times, as she’s totally mim­ic­k­ing the moves. Oh gosh. Nice dom­i­na­trix look, there. (I like the skirt, I can’t lie.) Woof, bad notes, bad notes! Paula wished she took her own lib­er­ties and went out­side of the box. Going out­side the box gets cats in trou­ble! Haha, Simon is all basi­cally every­thing I put up there. Randy saves us from another episode of the Paula and Simon Show, thank God. Randy is like, you mad, mad tal­ented, right, but what the dude just said was really impor­tant, ’cause it’s really real. Randy says “wheelhouse”—take a drink. Kara wants her to find her power “down there.” Are we going to spend 15 min­utes on this? Really? Can we move on? Please? I want to find out what inap­pro­pri­ate Britrock song Matt is going to sing.

Coming up: the true col­ors of Anoop!

ai09_anoopdAnoop is stoked for his Tarheels. Ryan tries to man­u­fac­ture some con­tro­versy between him and Kara. I don’t remem­ber Anoop’s atti­tude issue at all from last week. Probably because I would’ve said the same thing. Little Anoop pic­tures are BAD. ASS. Dude’s a fash­ion plate. Let’s see his true col­ors shin­ing through, shall we? He’s beau­ti­ful, like a rain­bow. Randy’s like con­grat­u­la­tions Tarheels, dude, they worked it out, but dude you can actu­ally sing, props to that. Kara’s nice to him because he grov­eled before the per­for­mance. Paula’s all true col­ors like a rain­bow. Simon insists it’s OK for him to be hor­ri­ble back to the judges. Ryan’s all “Kumbaya! Kumbaya!”

ai09_scottmLet’s head to Arizona to get a glimpse into Airport ’77’s child­hood (and then describe what it looks like to him). Oh Ryan, you have a way with word choices tonight. Wow, his mom looked like Colleen Camp when she was younger, too. He wanted to be an engi­neer when he was a kid. Chris: “The blind dude wanted to drive trains?” Remember, blinds are like reg­u­lars now! Then there’s some post­pro­duc­tion bull­shit about spooky organ music and mu-​ha-​ha-​ha laugh­ter to make him even more fright­en­ing than he already is. I AM SO TIRED OF THIS DUDE. It’s 1985 and the search is over. Really? Really? Living for a dream and lovin’ for the moment? Looking into his lady’s eyes and shit? Really? Survivor?! Really?! Please. See, he’s rockin’ out because he has a GUITAR and that means ROCKINOUT. Is he wear­ing lower lashes? I can’t even look at the screen, he’s so creepy.


Aaaaack no makeit­go­away. He says the elec­tric gui­tar is his “punk side com­ing out.” Please God no. Simon says the song was hor­ri­ble (if he’s being hon­est). How dare Airport ’77 talk back?! Randy’s all like, dude. Sara Gilbert nods in agreement!

ai09_allisoniAllison’s Mom: “When she was baby, she talk a lot!” Her par­ents are adorable. It’s 1992, and I’m a year out of col­lege, liv­ing alone and com­pletely broke. Oh, and also, she can’t make you love her if you don’t. I am so tired of all Bonnie Raitt in all Idol capac­i­ties but I don’t care because she is so super cute. Simon doesn’t think she’s like­able. Randy is all there was a girl who won the first sea­son of this show who could sing her face off and so can you! Kara brings up “adult con­tent,” refresh­ingly, because it is a lit­tle way too gross for a 16-​year-​old to be singing this song, but what­ever.

Are we done yet? No? Oh God. Coming up: Little Matt in a candy necklace!

ai09_mattgLet’s watch a lit­tle video of lit­tle Matt as a lit­tle angel in a lit­tle play when he was lit­tle. Acting! It’s 1985, and he’s look­ing for a part-​time lover. Oh my. He’s got his hat back! Also, a rosary. I’ve never liked this song so … I’m check­ing out and inca­pable of say­ing any more about this. Randy’s like yo Matt check it out baby, vocally one of the best of the night. Kara: “incred­i­ble on every level!” Paula: “Two words: stand­ing o[h].” Even Simon likes it! I’m sur­prised and some­what frightened!

Coming up next: Shitty McShitterton and his makeup-​wearing baby pictures!

High-​voltage power lines that can shock you—TONIGHT (last night) on the FOX 9 News at 9!

ai09_adamlLet’s look at Young Lady mak­ing the sign of the cross with drum­sticks. Medicated Mom: “He loved music.” Shameful Dad: “Sports? Not so much.” I wish I could muster up some out­rage over his resent­ment of his Special Child, but this is Lady Lambert we’re talk­ing about. He loved play­ing dress-​up! You don’t say. It’s 1982, and it’s a mad world, but this arrange­ment is strictly 2001! Nice hair hel­met. Wow, he’s so dif­fer­ent. No one under­stands him. No one but you, old ladies and manga read­ers. DRAMA. Paula swoons. I think I’m going to be sick. I’ll give him this much: The light­ing is great!


I can barely see his ugly mutt face. Ugh, stand­ing ova­tion from Simon and my DVR cuts out and we’re done. Well, I know I’m done. Oh wait—

RESULTS. The Top 8 is like a roller coaster, don’t you know? It’s get­ting more real. What is ‘it’, you ask? IT is American Idol!

Mario Lopez approves! We never found out who the creepy bald dude from last night was, did we? FLO RIDA and KEL LIE PICK LER are here tonight. Randy’s cardi­gan is insane. Paula looks like a refugee from The Boy Friend. CHRIS RICHARDSON SIGHTING! Now let’s wel­come a barely rec­og­niz­able Frankie Avalon to the stage. He doesn’t look bad from the side, but face for­ward? Woof.

It’s 2002, the year Idol was born, and Up With People brings us “Can’t Get You Out of My Head.” Six guys, two girls—why, of course Kylie Minogue is the per­fect choice! Lady Lambert is in his com­fort zone. They may actu­ally be singing live this week, ’cause it is rooooough going. I enjoy Lil’ Rounz’ shirt, which appears to be made out of the Epcot Center. Airport ’77 is mor­ti­fy­ing. I can barely look at the screen.

Have my prayers been answered? This week the FORD MUSIC VIDEO! returns to the world of retarded “high” con­cepts, ter­ri­fy­ing cos­tumes, “act­ing,” and some­thing resem­bling pro­duc­tion val­ues!!! Woman, don’t you know with you I’m born again? I should play Powerball this week—I’m feel­ing lucky. The direc­tor of this thing is straight out of Central Casting. They’re per­form­ing “Circus,” which of course means they’re in a magic show!

Lady L. is so very very proud of him­self. The Mayor of Kalamazoo is here to rep for Matt. The judges’ save is STILL ALIVE (for three more weeks). Let’s get to our bot­tom three!

ai09_anoopdI hate you, America. Just because you F’d up your March Madness brack­ets doesn’t mean you should take it out on this remark­able young man. FOR SHAME.

ai09_scottmI can only hope, I can only hope, I can only hope

ai09_lilrChris: “Gotta get these women off the show!”


A house done blowed up—plus your Weather First Easter fore­cast. TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

Now let’s wel­come Kellie Pickler and her gar­gan­tuan fake knock­ers back to the American Idol stage! Chris: “Pfft. Weirdo.” I actu­ally find myself enjoy­ing her entirely un-​self-​aware spas­mod­i­cism, but then again, I am crazy.

Head-​cuttin’ time. Lil’ is safe! Anoop is safe! Wow, I really do need to play Powerball this week:

ai09_scottmSing for your life, Airport ’77. Not too hard, though—I want you gone. Chris notes the Ironic Final Song Choice. Unnecessary high notes of des­per­a­tion! Audience mem­bers force them­selves to look as though they might be tear­ing up a lit­tle bit. Either that, or they are avert­ing their eyes from The Horror. The judges go out of their way to make it seem as though they’re actu­ally seri­ously con­sid­er­ing the save. It’s two against two! Yeah, a likely story. Let’s kill some more time aaaaaaaaaand yes, it’s finally home sweet home for Cap’n Pink Pants. Let’s rem­i­nisce about his Amazing Journey. Chris: “He reminds me of that autis­tic kid who kept shootin’ three point­ers.”

Well, that’s one less per­son on this show who makes me totally queasy. Next week: Songs of the Cinema with spe­cial guest men­tor Quentin Tarantino! Now that should be camp­tas­tic.

10 comments to I am an artist!

  • I guess I am not as cur­rent with music as I used to be, but when they said Florida was singing, I was dis­ap­pointed not to see Esther Rolle…forgot she died…what the hell was THAT though? If Kris or Matt (I can never remem­ber their names, refer­ring to them as North Star and not-​North Star) don’t get booted next week, it will be the biggest tele­vi­sion deba­cle since “Night Stand with Dick Dietrich” was cancelled.

  • Pieman

    Kim — you need to find out who the bald dude was from Tuesday. They showed him twice and he was totally dead­pan expres­sion­less with no clap­ping. We need you to do this.

    The ladies at work are start­ing to turn on Lady Lambert. They are out of touch gen­er­ally speak­ing, but had never heard the orig­i­nal ver­sion of “Mad World” before Tuesday. I think the judges are sav­ing The Save for the week when the rest of the coun­try turns on the LadyMan.

    Up With People this week was AWESOME! I could not take my eyes off Blind Man Dancing. Just try­ing to fig­ure out how Anoop and the oth­ers were get­ting him to where he’s sup­posed to be was enthralling! I also think they finally sang live because it really sucked. If it was taped, they would have cleaned that up as best they could.

  • jane

    A) Ah, yes. I thought it might be that one work guy. Yes yes. I think the hair was dis­tract­ing me. PS Back in NY, from what I hear. Yipes.

    B) I didn’t see one sec­ond of Lady Lambert, because my DVR cut him totally out. Did it run that far over or does God love me after all? These are the ques­tions for the ages.

  • Homer

    As I was watch­ing, I said to my wife “why do they keep show­ing that bald guy?” — it was 3 times in the first minute, then he never appeared again! I’m with Pieman — it’s your duty to find out who that guy is!

    Thanks for your recaps!

  • jim

    The mys­te­ri­ous bald guy is from the TV show Fringe, Michael Cerveris.


  • Kim

    Oh bless you, sir! Reading these com­ments I got afraid I’d have to, like, do actual work and stuff.

    jfkfc! This is a Matt-​hate-​free zone! Though the MHFZ is a lonely place to be, I admit.

    Jane–God’s divine inter­ven­tion on your behalf is truly a Holy Week miracle.

    P-​man, you must keep me informed on this scin­til­lat­ing turn of old Lady events. Leave no bitch­i­ness unshared!

    Will I miss Blind Man Dancing? Maybe. Just maybe. But the finale will be here soon enough. (Wait—no, it won’t! Who am I kidding?)

    Thank you all for shar­ing! I love it! It makes my Idol obses­sion seem less pathetic.

  • OM[f]G!!!!!!!!! I must be “exud­ing” the fra­grance “o-{de}-LADY-lambert” :-( .. today, some­one at the law-​firm who i hard[ly] even {EVER} inter-​act with… told the recep­tion­ist… “Hey, that design-​dude down the hall, isn’t he like a pho­to­copy of Adam Lambert?!?”.… WHAT!?!! a “PHOTOCOPY!” ahh­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­h­hhh!! {i 4-​serious am NOT rock­ing the hot-​topic-​sonic-​the-​hedge-​hog-​look AT ALL!!}… {my recep­tion­ist friend defended my honor, and told the para-​legal to jump off a bridge} HA! [thank you thank you] but still! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! this is now going to haunt me where[ever] i exist. :( boo on this … i will not be called LADY LAMBERT FANO NEUNER! [i am not play­ing dy-​NASTY in that way] no-​no-​no-​no-​no! .. any­way.. [this JUST hap­pened] so I needed to vent [as g-​chat just crashed on me, and I can’t find my BFF jane!] eeeeeep!!!!!! much love to the LADY OF RUBYTRAXXX!! may she and her idol pres­ence [always] reign SUPREME! xo xo :El fano:

  • Kim

    Oh :el fano:!!! I hate that story (except for the defend­ing your honor part)!!! I don’t know how it is pos­si­ble for any­one to make that com­par­i­son. It should be made ille­gal. (Chris doesn’t get it either.) I put a hex(xx) on all of these fools!!!

  • Tammy

    turns out I’m a Flo Rida fan… I can’t explain it, it just happened.

    I’ve already got plenty of ridicule on the sub­ject so…

  • KIM and CHRISTOPHER [[[[[i]]]]] LOVE YOU BOTH! [thank you] {THANK YOU} [thank you] for say­ing “NO” to Prop “El Fano LAMBERT.09″ — it makes me want to be sick [and NOT in the good way!] {HA!} … but thank you [again] please.. HEX[xx] AWAY!!!!!! you have my full permission! :-)

    omg! Tammy — your Flo Rida post just made me have a vision of PETE BURNS and FLO in [da] STUDIO together! [can you even imag­ine what it would be like!?] GAHHHHHHHHHHH! Christopher — I think a “mash-​up” should insueeeeee!!! :-) [yes please] and for the record [I true{ly} have lost my mind] !!! xo xo :el fano: