Fringe” is so eco-​friendly. That makes no sense. Songs of the cin­ema! Quentin Tarantino announc­ing “THIS is American Idol!” is truly one of the great­est moments in the his­tory of tele­vised tele­vi­sion. Ryan says this is kind of an his­toric evening. What is this? THIS is our Top 7, and THIS is American Idol! Christina Applegate and Little Steven approve.

I totally for­got that QT guest-​judged in Season 3. His hair looked insane then and it looks even more insane now. At least he’s lost the puka shell choker. Nota bene: Showing Nazi flags and para­pher­na­lia is A-​OK dur­ing fam­ily hour, but don’t you dare say Bastards!

ai09_allisoniAllison doesn’t want to miss a thing. Her leg­gings match her hair. Wait, are those actual pants? Yes, they are actual pants. I won­der if QT made an EG Daily com­par­i­son that ended up on the cutting-​room floor. She doesn’t want to Paul asleep, appar­ently, nor does she want to miss a Tang. Tremendous high notes! She is not capa­ble of recov­er­ing from them! Katie Couric approves. Paula talks about sauce and authen­tic­ity. Simon believes she is the girls’ only hope. Which girls he talk­ing about, and what sort of hope does he mean, exactly?

This Tom dude in the Blackberry com­mer­cial looks like a seri­ous douchebag. Apparently he is forced to give shoes to impov­er­ished youth in order to make up for all of his douchey sins. Lordamighty, would it hurt to shave? How painful would it be to wear shoes dur­ing work hours? I mean, you SELL SHOES. Shoes. What do you do with shoes? You WEAR THEM. You don’t CARRY THEM. On the BEACH. During WORK HOURS. God.

Why is FOX Tuesday Night attempt­ing to edu­cate me about eco­log­i­cal stewardship?

ai09_anoopdEverything Anoop do, he do for you. QT wants Anoop to kill us (loudly with his song). Seems to me that we are get­ting a lot of Repeat Idol Songbook Favorites tonight. Chris and I believe the Style Squad have it in for our brown brother here. WTF is that out­fit? It’s strictly glee choir on skid row. DRAMA. STAGE ACTION. PAUSES. EYE CONTACT. Yep, that’s our guy! Randy is like dude, it was in tune with a lot of emo­tion jumpin’ off! Kara feels con­nected to him. Aww, I think he sang that for his dead lady friend. :’(

ai09_adamlLady L is born to be wild. You don’t say. QT says he looks for­ward to what Lady L does every week. I was hop­ing he meant that in a train-​wreck way, but sadly he appears to be sin­cere. (I admire sin­cer­ity, I do, but this is Lady Lambert we’re talk­ing about.) Lady L promises his ver­sion will be more “electronic”—I can’t wait to dis­cover how lame his ver­sion of “elec­tronic” truly is. QT says he “enjoyed the taste” of him, or some­thing, I don’t know, I had to run upstairs and check my vac­ci­na­tion records to make sure I’m up to date. Skip that ass out onto the stage! Chris: “He’d do well in The Apple.” True that. Sweet Jesus, Lady L looks and sounds more wom­anly than ever tonight. I don’t know how that’s pos­si­ble. Is he bloated this week? Our cycles must be synced up. This is about what you would expect. Isn’t it hilar­i­ous how per­for­mances by I’m So Different here can always be summed up as “about what you would expect”? Paula says for­tune rewards the brave and that he is danc­ing in the pap of great­ness. I don’t know what the pap of great­ness is, but OK then! Simon brings up Rocky Horror, which leads me to believe he has not seen The Apple. Which reminds me: What would be my song choice this evening? Oooh, some­thing from Star Struck. Anything from Star Struck. Even “Monkey in Me.”

ai09_mattgFrom the waist up, Matt G is dressed to serve me hors d’oeuvres. Has he ever really, really ever really loved a woman? HAT. QT is a fan of enun­ci­a­tion. So am I! He and I are likethis. QT believes this will be one of Matt’s Top 3 per­for­mances. That sounds obses­sively pre­cise. PIANO. I can see that thing on Matt’s fore­head stand­ing out in pro­file. That thing is weird. I’ve been try­ing to over­look it, but I no longer can. Oh WOW this is going south in a big way. Poor Matt G! That’s what hap­pens when you sing those Bryan Adams songs that every­one else sings all the time on this damn show. Randy is like the thing for me for you is like you can’t do all of that stuff with it, right, so it wasn’t one of your best for me tonight, it wasn’t per­fect, know what I mean? Simon makes weird faces while Kara is talk­ing. This show is boring.

ai09_dannygI hope DWM sings some­thing from Weekend at Bernie’s or Ghost or some shit. He brags about how he bought a gui­tar even though he doesn’t know how to play it because “I get bored.” GOD he is SUCH a DICK. “Endless Love,” well then, he’s gonna give it all to you (from beyond the grave)! QT must read this, because he gets on DWM’s case about his crappy, crappy ges­tures. Prop harpist! No glasses tonight. I like that “Miami Vice” look. (No, I don’t.) He looks … rum­pled. In effect from note one: GESTURES. Heh. This just sucks. Paula talks about a mag­i­cal place that defines him as unique and unfor­get­table and grab­bing us in the mid­dle and slay­ing us. Simon is dis­ap­pointed. Let’s move on! This short­ened judg­ing thing makes all our lives more worth liv­ing.

Somali pirates take more ships hostage! Meet a local man who is look­ing sad while talk­ing on the phone about it. Is there rain in our fore­cast? And a Minnesotan’s death could be linked to a polio vac­cine! TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

ai09_krisaRandy gives Simon a lap dance on live TV. QT gives Wee Tinyman here a manly man-​hug on video. “Falling Slowly,” well at least that’s some­thing new. “Miami Vice” Look II: only slightly less ill-​fitting. What’s with these medal­lions, any­way? Oh wait, I guess he’s singing. I wasn’t sure at first as it was all mumbly. Wee T appears to be com­pletely ter­ri­fied. This is not good. His under­age bride approves! Randy is like it didn’t do it for me, man. Kara calls the song “obscure” (Chris: “Yeah, the song that won the Oscar?!”) but appar­ently it did it for her, or some­thing, I don’t know, I was too busy going “Yeah right?!” at Chris about the Oscar thing.

Chris is out­raged that the Burger King “square butts” ad is just fine, but for the sake of the chil­dren don’t you dare say Bastards!

ai09_lilrLil’ Rounz is here to defile the title song from one of my most favoritest movies ever, which is to say The Rose. She’s going to “gospel it up” or some­thing. Her top dur­ing rehearsals is awfully low-​cut, reveal­ing some awfully awful stretch marks. Nice wig. Let’s get this over with, shall we? Um … this is bad. This is bad. This is bad. Oh. Oh, this is really bad. Ohhhhhh now this is even more bad than before. Is it get­ting worse? I can’t believe it’s get­ting worse. It’s even worse and a worse kind of bad, and it’s rapidly becom­ing an even more worse kind of worse kind of bad. It’s impos­si­ble to type because my hands keep jolt­ing up off the key­board in a phys­i­cal man­i­fes­ta­tion of the spir­i­tual agony I am expe­ri­enc­ing. Oh thank God it’s over! Paula says some shit about how the road is long with many a-​winding turns, what­ever, I don’t care. Simon employs the Liz Lemon Exaggerated Eye-​Roll to great effect. He is like ugh enough already, and LR is like “You want me to be an artist and I put an R&B spin on it and blah blah blah blah” and Simon is again like ugh enough already, and so am I, and I am tun­ing out from this trav­esty because once again my hands are jolt­ing off the key­board and once again it’s impos­si­ble to type.

The lines are open! Lil’ Rounz’ wal­rus clap­ping shows she is ever so proud of her­self. I believe Lady L’s song choice is the only non-​original sound­track song out of the group—shit, even DWM had the theme on lock. Boring. I hope QT brings Zoe Bell tomor­row to beat some sense into every­one. I can’t imag­ine how Idol can oth­er­wise be saved right now.


5 comments to BASTARDS!

  • Man. You spelled “Basterds” wrong EVERY TIME.

  • Kim

    DUDE. This is Idol. And if it’s Idol, we’re talk­ing “tards.” TARDS.

  • Pieman

    My kids love the Square Butts! The bastards!

    This whole show sucked, but I fear Matt may be in trouble.

    I have not assessed the ladies down the hall on their reac­tion to Lady Man get­ting his motor run­nin’. I will keep you informed.

    What the frig was Anoop wear­ing? How come when these peo­ple get “styl­ists” they start look­ing stupider?

  • I think that either North Star or Non-​North Star (Kris/​Matt, I think) goes.…I can stand nei­ther of them. Lil was one of my picks for the finals with DG, but it seems like a stretch now. It does make me guf­faw when the girls scream for Lambert…you girls sure like him, but he sure doesn’t like you girls…

    And who decided that the word “his­toric” would be pre­ceded by “an” instead of “a” (http://​www​.bet​ter​writ​ingskills​.com/​t​i​p​-​w​0​0​5​.​h​tml)? I could see it in Britain, where it may be said with enough of an accent to keep the H silent, but I don’t like it. To boot, it was most cer­tainly NOT a his­toric evening.

  • jane

    Weekend at Bernie’s or Ghost made me scream. At my desk. Everyone thinks I am a crazy and I love it — and you!