idol

Bitchy from note one

Well, at least this week the overly dra­matic intro video works in con­text. Quentin Tarantino smiles with his eyes. It’s bring-​it time! Wait, what time is it again? It’s time for THIS is American Idol!

In my mind, I’m think­ing, “Pull your­self together, ’cause you can’t make this whole song a wreck.“
—Dead Wife Man, 04/​14/​09

Chris directs my atten­tion to the screen to wit­ness “Delicious Man,” oth­er­wise known as “Neil Sedaka.” I squeal with delight. Randy and Kara are visions in laven­der. Paula’s cleav­age is not appro­pri­ate for tele­vi­sion. Sexy wink from Simon Cowell—how I have missed those. Let’s not for­get the judges’ save is still IN EFFECT for two (two) more weeks! Also: Jennifer Hudson and who­r­ish lit­tle Miley Cyrus TONIGHT.

Let’s get to the FORD MUSIC VIDEO! This week, FMV brings us “Freeze Frame” with all signs of life wrung out of it and no ounce of energy left for it to beg for mercy. Sadly, no wacky cos­tumes or char­ac­ter devel­op­ment or any­thing of any inter­est ever this week. It’s like every­one gets to be on a mag­a­zine cover but Matt G, right, and Matt G can only look on in appre­ci­a­tion and then either steal or buy said mag­a­zines. Puzzling sub­text! Hmm, or is that just text-​text? Was he pre­oc­cu­pied the day every­one else was film­ing? Was he busy sav­ing kit­tens from trees, pre­vent­ing for­est fires, help­ing old ladies cross the street? I need to know!!!

Up With People are mani­acs, mani­acs on the floor, danc­ing like they’ve never danced before. Chris: “I’m shocked by all the choreography—it’s almost like they got rid of the blind guy.” I am down­right flab­ber­gasted (flab­ber­gasted!) by how capa­ble Wee Tinyman is with this song. I mean, whoa. Kara is a lit­tle flus­tered by Wee T’s forth­right sex­i­ness. She and his child bride are gonna have a fight! Is Allison wear­ing paja­mas? Anoop almost slips down the magic stairs. Matt G is bring­ing back that Members Only look. Dead Wife Man can’t stop with the ges­tur­ing. He just sucks so bad. Hmm, I do believe Wee T out-​sang Lady L on this one. Yes, on “Maniac.” I feel like I’m tak­ing crazy pills!

Lady Lambert opens a win­dow into QT’s craft for all of us. Wow, I guess only show­peo­ple can truly inter­pret and appre­ci­ate how other show­peo­ple approach the cre­ative process. With that out of the way, let’s join our Top 7 as they attend the pre­mière of 17 Again, star­ring Zac Efron! There is no escap­ing Zac Efron. There is no escap­ing Chris con­tin­u­ing to point this out every time Zac Efron shows up on something.

Let’s wel­come Jennifer Hudson back to the idol stage! Let’s take a look back at her career and her old Idol out­fits. Let’s watch her strug­gle with her mic stand and ear­piece. Chris obeys when she implores us to put our hands up, put our hands up, put our hands up. She looks cute but this song is soooo not catch­ing on with me. Oh wow, I didn’t real­ize how much I missed see­ing her tower over tiny lit­tle Ryan after she fin­ished singing! I didn’t real­ize how much I want this show to get over with! Ahhhhh! Exclams!!!!!

Dim the lights, let’s start some fights. Who is in the bot­tom three, America?

ai09_anoopdThis show is racist! He hon­estly didn’t expect to be sit­ting here. Me nei­ther. Paula believes he really hit a stride and his voice is mag­i­cal. Simon is a bitch.

ai09_lilrThis show is racist! Chris is dis­turbed by the state of Lil’s knock­ers. As am I.

Seriously—what shape are they?

ironic_chyronIs she, like Pieman’s chil­dren, inspired by those “square butts” ads? Wait, n-no—no, Ryan, don’t ask LR to defend her­self, ’cause she’ll just start talk­ing again and again and again and ahh­hhh nooooo there she goes again, I tried to warn you, I tried, I tried, you wouldn’t lis­ten, you wouldn’t listen.

ai09_mattgGiven what we had to work with, I can’t be out­raged over this turn of events. I’m sorry, pre­tend boyfriend.

(By the way, the lin­ger­ing, awk­ward close-​ups of the judges as their ver­dicts are read are hilar­i­ous.)

Anoop is sent back to safety! I guess the show is only half-​racist tonight. Now let’s wel­come Miley Cyrus, that lit­tle whore, to the stage. She is a hor­ri­ble singer, or dare I say a whore­able singer. I won­der what QT would have to say about her enun­ci­a­tion? It doesn’t seem pos­si­ble that some­one can do a simul­ta­ne­ous Dolly Parton/​Stevie Nicks impres­sion and still end up sound­ing that hideously bad. This is cer­tainly worse than what Matt G did last night. He should be out­raged. Yet it’s bet­ter than what Lil’ Rounz did last night—rimshot, heyoo!

Who is to be sent home? WHO?!

ai09_mattgAww, it’s time for him to sing for his life. And mine. I sup­pose it was inevitable—we all know the fix is in this sea­son any­way and it’s not in his favor (nor is it in any of ours, appar­ently). SAVE HIM! SAVE HIM! The crowd ral­lies! Simon tells us what we’re all think­ing (or what I was think­ing up there at least) … and saves him any­way. Hooray! (I guess.)

Next week: disco! Two, two, TWO con­tes­tants are elim­i­nated in ONE show! How excited am I?!

unbridled_enthusiasm

Yep. That’s about the size of it.

3 comments to Bitchy from note one

  • Pieman

    I fear that your pre­tend boyfriend and my gra­vatar only got a one week reprieve. I can see any two of tonight’s bot­tom three going home next week.

    I am so glad you said that about Wee Tinyman (I love that name btw!). He absolutely nailed that song. He was tremen­dously tremen­dous. I think I am chang­ing gra­vatars to Wee T!

  • Tammy

    I was happy for you that they saved Matt… all things ocn­sid­ered, he could do pretty well with disco.

    I’m soooooo glad they are bring­ing back the disco theme… cuz all in all, it’s brutal!

    this will be good.

  • Dollie

    What are the chances Chris and Adam will be sent pack­ing next week? BTW, you’re a genius Kim and I love you!