In the key that our souls were sinking

FOX Tuesday starts right now! Let’s rem­i­nisce about the judges using the save for the sake of using the save. Matt G, I adore you but I feel all this does is give you a sec­ond oppor­tu­nity for humil­i­a­tion. Kristin Bell approves! Paula appears to have lost 10 pounds in the last week. Ryan is bring­ing that G-​man look back that I so crave. Randy appears to have been dipped in a giant Orange Julius. Aside from Lady Lambert, our Top 7 appear to have eschewed shav­ing this week (I’m look­ing at you, Lil’ Rounz). I didn’t think I was in the mood for this, but some­how I am sol­dier­ing onward. Wait, what is this again? THIS is American Idol!

ai09_lilrThere is no time to waste on Disco Night! Let’s get right to Lil’ Rounz per­form­ing “I’m Every Woman.” What an orig­i­nal choice. Don’t for­get: She is an ARTIST. There is some­thing dis­turb­ing about putting the back­ground singers big­ger than life on the screen behind her. The pro­duc­tion staff must want her gone. This is a hot tranny mess. If you’re going to ad-​lib to your sis­ters in the crowd y’all, try to keep it on key, please. Oh man, and does she botch the awe­some “OHHHHH-​ohhh-​ohh-​ohhhhhhh” part at the end or what? Randy is all mean and makes her teary-​eyed. Oh, Randy, you scamp. Kara is over­joyed to jump through that open win­dow to say Lil’ Rounz has been Every Woman on that stage … every woman but her­self. Oh cold. I feel like this has sud­denly turned into an episode of “Starting Over.” Paula informs us that LR has tri­umphed through the tragedy of hav­ing no voice. Dude, she’s had no voice for the run of the show. Simon says things that make her fam­ily angry. And now she can’t stop talk­ing. Ahhhhh shut up shut up shut up, you and all of your every women, shut up.

ai09_krisaWee T has acoustic gui­tar in hand. Apparently “She Works Hard for the Money” is actu­ally a song about a woman. Wee T is noth­ing if not a sci­en­tist. How dare they say this show is tak­ing us back to the ’70s with this song in the lineup? Prop acoustic musi­cian dudes! You’d think with his shock­ing mas­tery of “Maniac” last week, he’d just go for it, but no, this is all Doobie Santana’d out. And yet … I don’t hate it? What is hap­pen­ing to me?! How my stan­dards have fallen. Kara points out that he took a risk with the arrange­ment. No, really? Kara, I used to be a fan, but you are get­ting on my nerves. Paula talks about shop­ping. Randy says he’s ready for the big time dawg ’cause you know who you are, amaz­ing, amaz­ing. Wee T is relieved. I wish I was relieved of this too!

ai09_dannygDead Wife Man is SUCH an ASSHOLE. When Ryan said “Earth, Wind & Fire” I was pray­ing it would be “September” because then I could be all oh, of course he remem­bers that spe­cial night in Sep-​tem-​ber ’cause that must have been when his WIFE DIED and his CAREER was BORN, you know, just speak­ing the truth from ass­hole to ass­hole. I am not dis­ap­pointed! I don’t like that Members Only look. He is more Barenaked Ladies look­ing than ever tonight. Maybe your soul is ‘sink­ing’, DWM, but don’t bring me into it. Oh boy, ad-​libs! Scatting! Vamping with the back­ground singers! Am I insane, or is his danc­ing not com­pletely retarded tonight? Well, I know I’m insane, but what­ever. Vince Neil approves! Randy is like dawg let me tell you what, this song doesn’t have a big melodic range but you turned this into some­thing that really worked for you tonight, you worked it out baby. Kara talks about his bitch pitch. Paula says he chose vocally to show his agility and bril­liance and as a woman, he has one of the sex­i­est voices ever. Uh … ohhhh-​kay. Simon is like blah blah blah. Moving on.

ai09_allisoniAllison is look­ing for some hot stuff baby this evening. I am obsessed with her shoes. Switched up rock style and it is cheesy but I don’t care, I love her. Randy is like yo, I got two things, whereas for me per­son­ally I don’t love the arrange­ment, let me say this, hang on yo, you are one of the best singers in the com­pe­ti­tion. Kara is like blah blah blah the same thing. Paula bab­bles about com­pro­mise and authen­tic­ity. Simon says it was bril­liant because he is a wise sage of wis­dom and … uh … sage.

Ryan pro­nounces Lambert “Lam-​BEAR” and I fall over with glee. Who’s that pock­marked les­bian they’re pan­ning to in the crowd? Oh OH that’s right, of course. I’m shocked they let him min­gle with audi­ence members—his con­ta­gious gay might rub off on them!

ai09_adamlOh Lady L, what are you going to beat us over the heads with this week? If he can’t have you, he don’t want nobody baby. Oh F YOU LADY L, how dare you. There has to be, no chance for he! And it doesn’t mat­ter how he cries. I wish. If he cans you, he don’t want vobody. Oh that’s how the song goes, OK then. Is he wear­ing Airport ’77’s lower lashes? Crying Paula, what a shock. One of Lady L’s “fam­ily and friends” appears to be a Dave Gahan imper­son­ator (Sounds of the Universe on sale today!). Randy is like hot one here tonight, blah blah, Kara is all bril­liant don’t know what else to say well shut up then, Paula never ques­tions her vis­ceral response and felt his pain, Simon says orig­i­nal and immac­u­late and when at first he was say­ing that he wasn’t THAT over the top about it and they showed Lady L’s bitchy bitch grumpy face I was some­where over the rain­bow with Katharine McPhee but sadly he had to go and say the stuff he said up there and you could see Lady L’s face twitch into smug mode and oh God some­times being able to watch this stuff in HD is a curse.


A Metro com­mu­nity: out­raged! What they’re doing about a con­victed sex offender. And a sheriff’s deputy is dragged by a suspect’s car! How did he get free? Find out TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

The sis­ter­hood of shoe lovers looks a lit­tle too touchy-​feely for me.

ai09_mattgMatt G is indeed stayin’ alive. HAT. It con­ceals the thing on his fore­head! He’s going nowhere, some­body help him. He really does look cuter with that dumb hat on. I got noth­ing else. Randy is like yo Matt dawg check it out, didn’t love it but you can really sing dude, put it on blast right now, tal­ented Top 7 dude, for real. Kara says not much of any­thing. Paula talks about bowl­ing. For some rea­son the DVR decides to pause itself dur­ing Simon’s cri­tique, and there is a middle-​aged woman off to the left who appears to have boobs placed right above her navel, and she’s wear­ing a low-​cut yel­low shirt and smil­ing like she is the bat­shit princess of the uni­verse and I have to go sit in the cor­ner for a while and get my san­ity back.

ai09_anoopdAnoop is going to dim all the lights, sweet dar­ling, gonna dance the night away. Enrique Iglesias style! Dude is a vision in hot pink. Oh Anoop, oh honey no, you are off key and mess­ing up the words and oh. Let it feel you up! Randy didn’t like it kinda corny but you were tryin’ but you are so tal­ented dude, nice baby, nice. What? Kara says not much of any­thing. Paula talks about growths and mag­i­cal zones and beau­ti­ful teeth. Simon: mediocre at best, hor­ri­ble ver­sion, cut to Anoop’s dad giv­ing the thumbs down at that mean old meanie, and I love Anoop’s adorable par­ents and um … that’s the best I can do.

What have we learned tonight, other than that Matt gen­uinely looks bet­ter in those crappy hats? Nothing? OK then! See you tomorrow.

4 comments to In the key that our souls were sinking

  • I don’t under­stand the Gokey hate. The show CHOKED us on how his wife died, and it prob­a­bly didn’t take long for any­one to be sick of hear­ing about it…but hell, it wasn’t HIS fault…or at least I don’t think a grand jury brought down an indict­ment yet. I’ve liked him since the start, and still think he’s win­ning it.

    Kris reminds me of the dread­locks guy from last season.…Jason? Dunno. He comes across like an idiot, as if he has the brain power of a piece of bread.

    I’d be shocked if Leel and North Star weren’t gone this week. When it started, I thought she and Danny were going to be in the finals, but DAMN. No love. Maybe she should have shown more cleav­age. With my luck, it would be Anoop gone with one of those two.

  • Pieman

    Oh man. What to say? How to com­ment on that steamy pile?

    Lil and Anoop should be going home, but every time Simon says they are done, all the dum dums vote for that per­son and I won’t be AT ALL sur­prised that Lil is not in the bot­tom three. That said, it’s prob­a­bly Matt and Anoop. It can’t be Wee T since I changed my Gravatar!

    I look for­ward to your detailed analy­sis of the kick-​off show, since I prob­a­bly won’t get to see it. Dumb work.

  • Tammy

    Much like Archuleta in ’08, Lady Lambert is becom­ing my nemi­sis of ’09. And I’m start­ing to believe he may be unstoppable!

    I gotta start remem­ber­ing to click over dur­ing Biggest Loser and get num­bers for vot­ing from here on out. I’m throw­ing all my might behind Wee T. I think he’s the only lit­tle hob­bit that stands a chance at slay­ing the “Drag”-on that is Lady L.

  • Kim

    I real­ize that aside from his sti­flingly obnox­ious self-​love, DWM may not be the total embod­i­ment of evil I once thought him to be … or I’m get­ting soft in my old age. I even enjoyed his stage moves this time around! I’m weak­en­ing!!! Thankfully Idol seems to have backed off of His Personal Tragedy as Exploitative Story Angle, per­haps at his own insis­tence (one would hope). Great, it’ll prob­a­bly be back with a vengeance next week.

    I’m begin­ning to think (to my EXTREME SHOCK) that Wee T could take it all the way. He’s a less whole­some Demon Archuleta com­bined with a more whole­some John Jack Jason Johnson Mraz Mayer. Maybe he was cre­ated in a lab!