idol

All right, Grumpy

Ryan, you are so dra­matic! I feel I may have unwit­tingly spoi­ler­ized myself by look­ing at my Twitter page—stupid trend­ing bull­shit. Tammy appar­ently con­jured up the Demon Archuleta with her com­ment on yesterday’s show, as he’s here with us TONIGHT. Wait, where are we tonight? WE are in prox­im­ity to American Idol!

Let’s engage in some inces­sant peep­ing as Paula teaches our Top 7 some “real” chore­og­ra­phy for tonight’s Up With People per­for­mance! Let’s rem­i­nisce with the cho­rus to her smash shit “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow.” Let’s watch Lady L soak his way through a pack of blot­ting tow­elettes. Let’s enjoy some iTunes prod­uct place­ment as Matt G down­loads him­self on cam­era (heyoo). Let’s try not to throw up as DWM declares (in voiceover) that he con­sid­ers him­self to be a “pretty good dancer” as he watches him­self doing a truly dis­gust­ing hip swivel in the stu­dio mir­ror … and he likes what he sees! Eew girl, eew.

Up With People are shak­ing their bod­ies down to the ground. Everyone is “dressed up” as if to “disco,” mean­ing the stage looks like Halloween at Ragstock. I hope this means they have to sit and look like morons dur­ing the elim­i­na­tions. Return of the LIPSYNC! because danc­ing and singing at the same time is hard. Everyone is wear­ing shades but Lady L. “He’s too busy being dif­fer­ent,” Chris explains. Aha! I am too dumb­struck by what I am see­ing to ade­quately com­mit my thoughts to dig­i­tal paper. Wee T once again inex­plic­a­bly brings the heat. Two weeks in a row—maybe it’s becom­ing explic­a­ble. His shirt is F-​ing fly, shit, I’d totally wear that. (The shirt, not Wee T. Clarify.) Fake Soul Train Line! Anoop has too much swag for these bitches. Paula and her zom­bie cleav­age are so proud of their chil­dren. Chris: “She’s turn­ing into Kathie Lee Gifford, isn’t she?”

Sadly, our Top 7 are allowed to change out of their crap out­fits before elim­i­na­tions. Such a missed opportunity.

Costumes! Narrative! The FORD MUSIC VIDEO! is BACK, baby. They’re good, they’re gone. They’re bak­ers! They’re con­struc­tion work­ers! Lady L is a dog washer—a sexy dog washer. None of this makes any sense! I’m con­fused! Ahh, just like old times.

ai09_lilrSpeaking of gone, Lil’ Rounz is swiftly and imme­di­ately put out of her (and our) mis­ery. I wanted to like her, I really did, but oh gosh was she ever a dis­ap­point­ment. I’m pretty sure I saw that shirt at H&M over the week­end. I got noth­ing else here.

TALLADEGA SUNDAY!

Disco leg­end med­ley! Let’s wel­come Miss Freda Payne, ladies and gen­tle­men. Chris says she looks “worked on” whereas I pre­fer “worked over.” Chris admires her “guns.” I fear she is going to run out of breath and pass out. Those knee bends are too deep! Ahhh I’m scared!!! Whew, now let’s wel­come Miss Thelma Houston, ladies and gen­tle­men. Chris pro­claims her look to be “scan­dalous.” I bet Lady L is gonna steal her whipcrack move first chance he gets. She wants Simon to sat­isfy the need in her, ooh, scan­dalous indeed. Now let’s wel­come Mr. KC of KC & the Sunshine Band, ladies and gen­tle­men. Chris: “Me in 30 years, baby.” I don’t see it—dude looks like Chris Berman to me. KC is sur­rounded by whores. I like that pizze­ria pirate look! I got noth­ing else.

I believe Lady L has been engag­ing in some emo­tional eating.

Who are in the bot­tom three two?

ai09_allisoniai09_anoopd

WTF, BROS? I can under­stand Anoop despite my mad love and respect for how he can did his thing and turn it out dawg, but Allison? I was will­ing to believe (and was led to believe by stu­pid Twitter) that it was dear pre­cious Matt, but clearly HAT is his guardian angel.

Tempers flaring—enough to get the police called in! An out­rage over fried chil­dren chicken. And a pop­u­lar lake is spoiled by a crime spree. What neigh­bors are doing to take it back—TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

The Demon Archuleta wants you to touch his hand. Looks like his evil stage dad has been starv­ing him. He’s got some DWM-​quality stage moves now! Dude really does sound like Randy VanWarmer. Ryan is so over­joyed to have some­one to tower over. Aww, the Demon A. is really sweet to Anoop and Allison. You don’t have to go all the way to really live your dream! Is he talk­ing about purity rings? I got noth­ing else.

The elim­i­na­tion of either one of these two dar­lings is a crime in and of itself, but if you’ve got to base it solely on the per­for­mances last night …

ai09_anoopdSad but true. Dance the night away, my badass brown brother! I can’t wait for you to come back and go bat­shit swag crazy dur­ing the finale!

Let’s cel­e­brate Lil’ Rounz and Anoop home. Oh, and for one last time this sea­son: This show is racist!

5 comments to All right, Grumpy

  • I blame Kara on Anoop get­ting the shaft. I’d also like to take the oppor­tu­nity to blame Kara for the Somali Pirates, K.C. (of K.C. & the Sunshine Band), school vio­lence, the Duke Lacrosse sit­u­a­tion, and the cancer.

    North Star should have been gone, hat or no hat. If Alison goes before North Star does, I’d feel safe say­ing that it’s Kara’s fault. DialIdol actu­ally had Leel at the top — even though their mar­gin of error ren­ders the site utterly worth­less — so no more look­ing at their results. Kara must have done the calculations…

  • Pieman

    I taped the show and watched it last night. I think they reversed who should have been lip-​synching. Boy, those Legends of Disco can’t sing any­more (or could they ever?).

    Kris the Keebler Elf is gonna win, bay-​bee!

  • Dollie

    As Jane has been say­ing this show is Up With People, but down with brown peo­ple! I’m just gonna miss Anoop singing to me with that spe­cial look.

  • the lady-​lambert {HEXXX-​a-​THON} has begun! [i have to re-​watch “The Craft” and [pony-​up] on my “war-​lock-​er-​ry” … “hail to the guardians of the watch­tow­ers of the east”… ha ha ha … oh man… if I get ONE MORE lady-​lambert com­ment made toward me.. 4-​serious.. i do not even know what is going to {{en-​suuuuue!}} — thank you Kim for always keep[n] it “IDOL-​REAL!” xo xo :el fano:

  • Kim

    :el fano: I would hope at this point that the peo­ple who say these things are actu­ally think­ing Lady L is the most fan­tas­tic and styl­ish and awe­some per­son ever, which is what you are, and it’s just their mis­guided way of show­ing you their appreciation!

    I real­ize that we still have a tan per­son on board so AI is not out of the down with brown peo­ple woods yet. She bet­ter not sit out in the sun, or it’s a 100 per­cent chance of elim­i­na­tion next week!

    Duke Lacrosse sit­u­a­tion” and “that spe­cial look” made me legit LOL.

    P-​man: It’s prob­a­bly that they can’t get good cocaine anymore.