Jamie Foxx’s Throat Olympics

I couldn’t be less enthu­si­as­tic about doing this this week. I feel like how Kara’s under­arms look. That’s not good, peo­ple. Also, I read a note from one mag­i­cal mar­velous Jane last night regard­ing her appre­ci­a­tion of Ms. Lady L that simul­ta­ne­ously hor­ri­fied and intrigued me. I don’t know if I’m ready to expe­ri­ence a psy­cho­log­i­cal earth­quake of such mag­ni­tude. I can’t even be both­ered to think of a clever way to tran­si­tion to THIS is American Idol!

Standards from “the Rat Pack era.” Corny corn corn. Matt G, yes, HAT. DWM is dressed like an under­taker. Appropriate?! Guest men­tor Jamie Foxx is com­pa­ra­ble to the Rat Pack, we are told. Ryan is try­ing to con­vince us of this in v/​o. Are we con­vinced? I don’t think so. Does this mean everyone’s using Auto-​Tune? We’re told that stan­dards are songs that become clas­sics. Ohhh … kay. I have learned noth­ing so far about any­thing. Yes, I’m here to learn, Idol. Won’t you please help?

Oh fuck you with your shoes and your busi­ness and your phone and your net­work. Fuuuuuuuuuck you.

ai09_krisaJamie Foxx is a lit­tle in love with Wee T. He wants to per­form the Throat Olympics on him, or some­thing. There’s some­thing about the way we look tonight, says Wee T. Oooh, Jamie feels it. Try to keep up with the band, Tinyman. He is singing through a methadone haze. Oof, oof, no, cam­era, too close! Dude makes some way ugmo stage faces. This is like NyQuil, only less fun. Yodel that shit! I real­ize I should be tran­scrib­ing his “cre­ative enun­ci­a­tion” but I am try­ing to get through this as quickly and pain­lessly as pos­si­ble. One out of two ain’t bad. Randy is like Yo Kris, wow, so yo check it out baby check it out, some­thing about steam, favorite joints, per­sonal think­ing, time, telling story, mad nice vocals, OK what­ever. Kara is like blah blah blah tech­ni­cal stan­dard has been set so high—WHAT? Yeah, “high” indeed. She says he’s the dark horse and the cherry tree. Paula hits on him. Simon is far more sen­si­ble: “A lit­tle bit wet,” he says. This must some­how relate to Jamie Foxx’s Throat Olympics. Let’s move on. Please.

The sis­ter­hood of shoe lovers can blow me.

ai09_allisoniAllison is fid­gety. I love her skirt. She’s just happy to be here, peo­ple. Yesterday was her birth­day! Aww, happy birth­day. She is look­ing for some­one to watch over her. Oooh, Jamie feels it. She’s mak­ing some wonky faces, gosh. What is with the screwy stage faces tonight? Yeah, some enun­ci­a­tion, uh, lib­er­ties are taken here as well. Maybe some­body is pump­ing anes­thetic gas into the Idol Arena. Gah! She sounded like she had to clear her throat there for a sec­ond. I don’t know how I feel about any of this. I knew I’d dread this show. I knew it! Randy is like mad young cool, look­ing dope, singing like Pink with like 9,000 more octaves, the bomb, you did it, bleah. Kara is like blah blah blah gutwrench­ing deep emo­tional land you in the finals. Paula: “[inde­ci­pher­able]” Simon coun­ters with some­thing that sounds like “wah wah waaaaah” and good God I’m so detached from this frig­ging show right now.

ai09_mattgOhhhh … Matt looks cute. I guess. He loves jazz! We are all Matt’s funny valen­tines. You, me, every­body. Oooh, Jamie feels it. Prop stool! Oh gosh, Matt sounds ter­ri­fied. My ears are ter­ri­fied for him. At least he’s not mak­ing gross stage faces. OMG he’s totally look­ing at me! I feel tingly. Finish strong, Captain Hat. Randy says it didn’t all come together for me, six out of ten. Kara didn’t feel he was emo­tion­ally con­nected and Matt is like “What?!” and the reac­tion is quite adorable. Paula is like “:)” and Simon does his patented “I’ll have to dis­agree … with Randy” and every­one goes OOOH. Simon praises Matt’s authen­tic­ity! Way rough around the edges = authen­tic­ity, that’s me trans­lat­ing for Simon there. Aww, MG is so cute and happy and cute in his hap­pi­ness and cute­ness and HAT. I’ll have to agree … with Paula. (OOOH.)

Details on the swine flu are chang­ing by the hour. The lat­est on the out­break. Did a St. Paul woman torch her own house to avoid being evicted? All this and BIRD STRIKESTONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

ai09_dannygCome rain or come shine, DWM is uncom­fort­able in Guest Mentor Jamie Foxx’s pres­ence. Oooh, Jamie feels it. He offers an anec­dote about Michael Mann to explain his focus and inten­sity. (Who had “Season 8 Top 5″ in the First Michael Mann Reference pool?) Jamie must get “all up in [DWM’s] grill” in order to get him to not be com­pletely lame. Prop trom­bon­ist! Heh, “bon[e].” Girls are scream­ing for him. WHY. Corny corn corn. Ugh, here come the stage faces. Wow, those are some ham­bone arm ges­tures. Look out—he’s got the fever! Seizures and every­thing. Reminds me of David’s Shouting School. Randy’s like tempo, safe, what­ever what­ever, let me tell you some­thing right now, you can have an album of songs like that, yo. Kara talks about swag­ger and swag. I can’t believe peo­ple thought this was good. Paula, you know, the usual. Simon enjoyed it far too much. Ugh. Uh-​uh-​uh-​ugh.

ai09_adamlLady L is feel­ing good! I believe this song has por­tended dis­as­ter in pre­vi­ous sea­sons. He’s giv­ing it a rock edge, he says. Oooh, Jamie feels it. He gon’ knock evurrbody’s head off! He took Jamie up, he took Jamie down, all the way to Chinatown, Charlie Brown. Man hug! Lady L is a vision in white. Shiny! That is quite a cin­e­mat­i­cally orches­trated entrance, there. This is some Jimmy Somerville/​Helen Terry/​Alison Moyet busi­ness. I believe he just tran­scended to Queen L—call it. Randy is like drama, Broadway, in the zone con­sis­tently dude. Kara: “con­fus­ing, shock­ing, sleazy, superb, crazi­ness.” Paula just makes cuckoo faces and talks about Michael Phelps. Simon says “best entrance we’ve had of the year so far” which once again proves we are psy­chic twins. Queen L seri­ously has some kind of Muppet fab­ric face. I can’t fig­ure it out. What is that tex­ture? I’m baf­fled. Baffled.

Ugh. I don’t know. Thankfully I don’t have to wait a day to get it over with, tonight I can get it over with, let’s get it on tonight, get it on and over with, let’s do this thing, baby we can do it, take your time do it right, do it baby, do it tonight. (I clearly man­aged to lose my san­ity some­where between the bus stop and the house today—eep.)

These dra­matic intros have become increas­ingly hilar­i­ous. I envy the per­son who gets to piece them together. Results! Votes! Elimination! Say hi to the judges—hi, judges. Taylor Hicks is on this stage tonight, ladies and gen­tle­men! Natalie Cole steps away from death’s door to join us. All this and a per­for­mance by Guest Mentor Jamie Foxx! God has given me the great­est gift of all this evening: the gift of FFWD.

FMV is high con­cept, baby. The world is made of energy. Actually, it is a bar­ren desert of black and white until the FORD FUSION brings color and life to our oth­er­wise dull and dreary exis­tence, which is sym­bol­ized by the col­oriza­tion of Wee Tinyman, or some­thing, I dunno. Why does Wee T get the big close-​up at the end? Shoot, I wanted to find out who was wear­ing those awe­some yel­low pants. Also, some­how every­one man­aged to look extra­or­di­nar­ily cute. Black and white work won­ders, it seems. Damn you, Ford Fusion, for tak­ing that momen­tary mir­a­cle away from us.

Up With People bring us a med­ley of time­less clas­sics with regard to rhythm and swing. Hatt G (you know I had to do it even­tu­ally) is once again rock­ing the T-​shirt/​cardigan/​rosary look. OMG, he’s me in 1985. This is quick and rel­a­tively pain­less and I believe some live singing was involved. Also: danc­ing. Mmm, cheezycorn!

Birthdays mean bak­ing cakes which means food fight­ing and the illu­sion of fun and per­son­al­ity among our Top 5. Someone has to clean that mess up, peo­ple! As if read­ing my mind, Ryan hands DWM a $6,000 clean­ing bill as a belated birth­day gift, rec­og­niz­ing that DWM is the source of all life’s prob­lems and mis­eries. Ryan’s mind­ful men­tion of the clean­ing service’s name will surely result in some degree of debt for­give­ness. Idol spares no expense to cut cor­ners! Wait, what?

Let’s get into it—results, that is. DWM can’t stop talk­ing about his craft, so screw this, I’ve gotta FFWD to the bot­tom three. I hate the “which group do you belong in” bull­shit. And the bot­tom three are:


Heh heh. Nice swerve, putting Queen L in the “as all assume you are everyone’s favorite, you must CHOOSE YOUR SIDE” role and then whoop­sie! Idol, you sur­prise me. Incidentally, I’m oddly thrilled that Allison is safe out the box. Idol, you con­fuse me.

Natalie Cole looks damn good for some­one the Enquirer says has both feet, legs, arms, and hands in the grave. I look for­ward to a NATALIE’S BRAVE SWAN SONG writeup soon. Coming up next: Taylor Hicks returns to Idol LIVE! Try not to get too upset.

TaylorWelcome back, Flaming Lips Reject, a.k.a. Ham Panders. You and David Cook should have a show­down to deter­mine who among you has the most grotesque head—that would break all pre­vi­ous AI vot­ing records. Nice canned tan. Look, a gui­tar. Shake those shoul­ders! Pout! Stick out your butt! Gesture! Aww, he’s refresh­ingly gra­cious in his Ryan ban­ter. I some­how don’t com­pletely hate the world after all.

Wee Tinyman is safe. But are we? I dunno, because Jamie Foxx is next.

A man who thought he had it all (what­ever) was given a child with spe­cial needs (what, as a gift? WTF?) and was then aban­doned by his wife (OK, and?)! Find out how the boy who turned his life upside down (whose life? his own? the guy? hello?) actu­ally set him free (wait, was he in jail?) and allowed him to help oth­ers (“allowed”? OK, was he really in jail? and this kid’s spe­cial needs are actu­ally super­pow­ers? and why bring the guy’s wife into this when this is already too com­pli­cated to bother car­ing about?) (I mean, what the shit, Robyne? seri­ously). TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

Jamie Foxx takes Auto-​Tune to the EXXTREME! OMG, he’s the same height as Ryan. I’m shocked. These five young chil­dren are so very tal­ented, he tells us, and we gotta sup­port these young cats and embrace ’em ’cause they cats who are also artists, dig. Kinda like this. So who is on his way, on his way, home sweet home?

ai09_mattgI guess I have to go back to hat­ing the world again. Oh well—it was fun while it lasted. For all of five minutes.

Also: :(

5 comments to Jamie Foxx’s Throat Olympics

  • Pieman

    I only caught a tiny bit of the results show but when I flipped to see Matt and Queenie as the bot­tom two, I hoped for the best and got the worst. Wee T and Allison are still in there fight­ing for the tiny peo­ple, though.

    They ought to just fin­ish this up next week and crown a cham­pion because I am tired of every­body. This is entirely too long to watch and/​or care about these people.

    And Jamie Foxx? Really? Wow. I was think­ing Michael Buble. I was.

  • Pieman

    Oh, so now I see who the guest men­tor is next week — Slash. Jamie Foxx and then Slash? What the..?

  • jane

    Queen L: Yes yes, exactly!

    I couldn’t even watch the results show. Dollie yelled the answer to me while I stayed in bed read­ing the Anthony Kiedis auto­bi­og­ra­phy. Yes, it’s like that.

    PS I hate DWM so so so so so so much. The most.

  • Tammy

    I have a feel­ing this weeks results were not a fluke.

    QL may not be able to attract any swing vot­ers. Are the dis­placed Anoop and Lil fans now back­ing DWM?

    Also, taste­less Lady Lambert. EVERYONE knows when they put you in the Choose the Group You Belong in Position, you are sup­posed to stay in the mid­dle of the stage and say some­thing classy about not choos­ing sides and every­one being a win­ner. FIRST TIME in Idol his­tory some­one actu­ally gives half the con­tes­tants the fin­ger like that.

    I’m SO glad he was in the bottom!

  • Dollie

    I’m so sorry about Matt Kim! I’m gonna miss him and his hat too. The judges loved DWM’s “Christmas at the Stripclub” swag­ger so much that Jane and I decided we’d sing “He’s a Tramp” and “Big Spender” respec­tively if we were on Idol this week. Then the judges would say, “Sorry Bitches, these are our final two!” It would be excel­lent. That didn’t hap­pen though, so I’, root­ing for a Lady L & Allison final.