He want spinal cracker

Apparently THE PHANTOM has been at play in the Idol Arena in a valiant attempt to pre­vent Rock Week from tak­ing place. I, too, have been try­ing to pre­vent Rock Week from tak­ing place by … uh, not watch­ing it until now. There’s just too much sad­ness in my heart with­out Matt G. around. Oh, and I’ve only had one of the worst weeks ever—I must divert all mis­ery by avoid­ing things that make me mis­er­able. Duets? Oh my land. I believe Kara is dressed as Rizzo tonight and OH MY GOD WHAT IS QUEEN L WEARING?!

There’s some­thing about the state­ment “Slash first burst onto the scene as lead gui­tarist of Guns N’ Roses” that is beyond depress­ing. More depress­ing: DWM’s “rock face” dur­ing Slash’s rehearsal.

Slash: “It’s gonna be rock and roll.“
Our Top 4: “Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk.“

ai09_adamlWhen it comes to the sage advice of guest men­tor Slash, Queen L is all ears. He is going to give you every inch of his love! Or not, I’ll have to stay tuned to find out. Dear God WHAT IS HE WEARING?! Why, he is going to give us every inch of his love. Goodness gra­cious. I knew that I’d have to find myself enjoy­ing him even­tu­ally if he became more lady­ish. “Womaaaaaan”—haha­haha! Teen girls in the audi­ence are now com­pletely hys­ter­i­cal. I bet he made them all just get their first peri­ods.

The only way I can get through this alive is if I ignore the judges, but I … I have no idea what Kara is talk­ing about.

ai09_allisoniAllison is so cute and adorable and cute and it just makes me sad. Clearly the chips were cashed in by admit­ting she diverted Queen L’s hair lady away from his pre­cious pre­cious scalp. This sounds very Aerosmith “Cryin’-Amazin’-Cryin’-’cause-you’re-Crazy.”* Wow, the judges really didn’t spare any expense at throw­ing her under the bus, did they?

ai09_krisaai09_dannygSomeone must have told Wee T and DWM that “Renegade” is an Eagles song. DWM’s “rock out­fit” makes me want to puke my guts out. Does Hot Topic have a Big & Tall out­let? This is just … oh God. Fascinating that these two can man­age to have even less charisma when put together onstage. Have you seen any­one else make less of a con­nec­tion dur­ing a duet? A sick part of me wants to watch it back again.

ai09_krisaWee T chooses a Beatles song this week. Ohhhkay. I bet he got scared off “Revolution” once he attempted to sort through the ide­ol­ogy of the lyrics. Instead we get “Come Together.” This should be “enter­tain­ing.” “I almost wanted to pee my pants” might be the line of the sea­son. Is he more Henley or more Frey? Wow, he’s tak­ing some fan­tas­tic lib­er­ties with the lyrics. He got air down to his knees! Dude, I know you prob­a­bly think peo­ple don’t know the lyrics to this song? But peo­ple know the lyrics to this song. Randy telling us Wee T is “funky” just makes me weep.

ai09_dannygI won­der if DWM’s per­for­mance of “Dream On” can hold a can­dle to Methface Michael Johns’ series-​ending ren­di­tion. Let’s watch! Oh, thank God he changed out of that hideous red blouse into a more appro­pri­ate “Satan’s accoun­tant” look. Maybe tomor­row the good Lord will take you away, DWM, to reunite you with your dear departed. He is bring­ing sim­ply too much enun­ci­a­tion to this per­for­mance. Yes: I’m com­plain­ing about too much enun­ci­a­tion. “Doop-​doo-​doo-​dooo” ad lib has me falling over. Oh … wow. That was some­thing! I can only hope that Kara took the wrong med­ica­tion and meant to say “later Aerosmith” when ref­er­enc­ing “Cryin’” und “Crazy,” oth­er­wise I no longer have hope for any­one or anything.

ai09_adamlai09_allisoniYou know “Slow Ride” is near and dear to my heart. I hope Queen L gets to sing the “sleazy” line. What is down the front of his pants? I’m uncom­fort­able. I am enjoy­ing this far more than I have a right to. Sadly there is no “sleazy” nor is there “roll me,” boo hiss Idol lyric FASCISTS. Hug from Queen L seals Allison’s fate. They’re so cute together! Did I just imply Queen L was cute? Yes. Yes, I did.

I hope to make this a world record of speed­ing through the results show … can’t they just make these a half hour at this point? Please? Bleah.

Kara really needs assis­tance with her under­arm grooming.

FORD MUSIC VIDEO! is woe­fully bor­ing and lack­ing in cute with­out Matt G.

Up With People brings us “School’s Out.” What an inter­est­ing choice. Remember, FOX and its adver­tis­ers do not advo­cate van­dal­ism or vio­lence against insti­tu­tions of learn­ing! DWM is bring­ing them megachurch gospel chops. Oh God. Everyone is sooo boring.

Slash must be teeny tiny if he’s prac­ti­cally the same height as Ryan. Or maybe Ryan’s stand­ing on an orange crate.

I actu­ally kind of want to see the Idol Tour this year. Am I com­pletely insane?

DWM is try­ing way too hard to play off his big lady screech. Oh of course he was laugh­ing it up over his abject humil­i­a­tion. Can you think of any­one who takes him­self less seri­ously than DWM? What a joker!

Paula is going to dance like there’s no tomorrow—er, just be here for the music. Chris and I are greatly amused by the YouTube qual­ity of the video clips in Paula’s intro pack­age. Chris: “It’s Britney, bitch.” “She needs two mics to lip­sync!” Chris is ON FIRE tonight. Remember that time Jennifer Lopez was on Idol? That was a great time. Paula tells us the stage is an unde­ni­able happy place to be.

Gwen Stefani should have taken a cue from Paula and opted for some pre-​recorded vocal assis­tance. Sounding like Tallulah Bankhead is the hot thing these days, kids!

Chris: “What is she, 45?“
Me: “Uh … I think she’s the same age as me.“
Chris: “But you don’t dress like that.“
Me: “Would you like me to?“
Chris: “No.”

I’m not going to bother with the results since I don’t need to bother with the results since I know the results and I hate the results. Although it’s hilar­i­ous to see how much Wee T acts like a total girl when he’s declared safe. Queen L is hav­ing an effect on everyone!

BaldyDaughtry: present.

ai09_allisoniSnif. Boo, this stu­pid show.

* I looked all over for the req­ui­site SNL clip to accom­pany this but no dice. Not even the tran­script. In the inter­est of increas­ing the lev­els of joy in my life, I put this here instead:

1 comment to He want spinal cracker

  • jane

    I have been look­ing for the video of “Amaza-​Crazy” my whole life long. The search continues.

    PS “Satan’s accoun­tant” gives me a rea­son to live.