Welcome to my nightmare

If you gave up on me in the last week, please know I did break down and watch after all. Forgive my inso­lence and insub­or­di­na­tion. I’m told it’s a prob­lem I have!

Fringe” is SO PROVOCATIVE. You know what else is provoca­tive? The crotch of Queen L’s trousers. Scandalamity. Who’s the top in the Top 3? Enquiring minds want to know! Ryan’s grin seems to indi­cate he knows. He knows what? WHAT is American Idol!

Holy shit—the finale is next week. Once again, Paula (and/​or Nigel Barker) needs to school Kara on the fine art of not aim­ing your armpit at the cam­era. Ugh, what a Top 3. I haven’t been less enthused since Taylor-​Katharine. Does that make Queen L my new Elliott? God … no.

ai09_dannygFirst up with the judges’ pick: HOKEY. I believe he is indulging in some emo­tional anorexia. The one and only DWM gets a Terence Trent D’Arby song from Paula. “Terence Trent D’Arby became iconic almost overnight,” Paula informs us. She com­pares his “mag­i­cal qual­ity” to that of one Dead Wife Man. Uh. He’s implor­ing you to dance, lit­tle sis­ter (mean­ing all you tween ladies, please pick up your phones and vote for this whole­some Lord-​loving wid­ower). Prop sax­o­phone knocks the cam­er­ap­er­son on his/​her ass momen­tar­ily. What? SCATTING. Does this song have rhythm? Does it? I can’t tell. I guess that’s the “mag­i­cal qual­ity” Paula was talk­ing about. Jesus Ass Christ, he is not an attrac­tive man, yet some­how it was dope for Randy, dude. Kara says “money spot” and I feel queasy. Paula looks like she’s got a dou­ble dose of con­junc­tivi­tis. Simon is delight­ful except for actu­ally believ­ing DWM’s per­for­mance was decent. How far are his whiskers creep­ing up his face? Dude, gross. GROOMING. LOOK INTO IT. Is there still time for me to punch him in the balls? Because I still want to punch him in the balls.

The Simon-​Paula Show is beyond tiresome.

ai09_krisaWe’re going South (no shit) to Arkansas with Wee T. Wee T has blue nail pol­ish on. Randy and Kara (appar­ently only when com­bined are they equal to one human per­son) give him a OneRepublic song. I still don’t get this F-​ing band. Are they real? If so, why? Please to explain. I am not aware of this song but I’m fairly cer­tain Wee Tee is way Off Kee. He needs you like a har needs a bee, appar­ently. I get the feel­ing that piano is mic’d way WAY down. Randy’s glasses are hyp­no­tiz­ing me. He basi­cally says Wee T is the next, uh, Five for Fighting. Kara: “Competent.” Ooh kiss of death. I think Paula is actu­ally not Paula, but Muppet Paula. Simon is a hilar­i­ous bitch. Ryan is a shit-​stirrer.

Is this show really about the judges? Really? Really?

The Kardashian fam­ily approves! Of some­thing! I don’t know what!

ai09_adamlSimon is all up in Queen L’s wheel­house. I bet! I believe Our Majesty has once again been indulging in emo­tional eat­ing. Simon made a spe­cial call to Mother Teresa Bono to get per­mis­sion for “One.” He is a human chro­makey for like 20 sec­onds. Sam Harris that shit up, Queen L! Can you han­dle the emo­tion on his face? CAN YOU?! Some dude in the audi­ence approves! (I think it’s his ashamed dad, but what­ever, I hate that dude.) Judges are all like blah blah blah blah blah robot robot robot robot no sur­prises no sur­prises. Jillian Barberie Reynolds (host­ess of “American Idol Extra”) approves, because that’s what signs her paychecks!

kellie_underwoodNota bene: Idol may or may not Give Back, and Carrie Underwood may or may not have been in Angola. WHO TO BELIEVE

father_ewanIs it wrong that I find Ewan McGregor espe­cially painfully attrac­tive in Vatican finery?

ai09_dannyg[Dead] ladies, you are so beau­ti­ful to HOKEY. Chris: “The pride of Milwaukee is, in fact, Candice Michelle.” Chris hopes this will tran­si­tion into “I Believe I Can Fly.” It doesn’t, but Chris keeps singing it any­way. At least he’s giv­ing me an alter­na­tive to lis­ten to because this is fuck­ing hor­ri­ble. I … I can’t … just … no. I can’t. I can’t. No. No. Forget it. Over.

ai09_krisaJust when I thought I was fin­ished, out saun­ters Wee T in a glitter-​encrusted hen­ley. If you know me, you know I despise fuck­ing hen­leys, and WTF with this dude wear­ing one that SPARKLES, and SPARKLES whilst per­form­ing his Poi Dog Pondering inter­pre­ta­tion of Kanye West. The judges can all shove it at this point. Ugh.

The sparkles. I can’t get around the sparkles. I can’t get past the sparkles. The sparkles. The sparkles. The sparkles. The sparkles.

Weather First, bitches! Watch the FOX 9 News at 9.

ai09_adamlQueen L is get­ting it twisted as he grabs onto Aerosmith’s busi­ness. Dare I dream this is “Dude Looks Like a Lady”? No, it’s some­thing from Kara’s “early” Aerosmith canon, which is to say “Cryin’.” I am dis­ap­pointed. “Dude Looks Like a Lady” was RIGHT THERE. Or at least “Rag Doll,” b/​k/​a “Rag Doll Livin’ in a Movie.” Um, the backup singers are out­sing­ing him. Judges are blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah it doesn’t mat­ter, clearly they all have his num­ber on speed dial and are doing every­thing short of actu­ally sit­ting there vot­ing on cam­era, good Lord at least PRETEND this is a competition.

Am I imag­in­ing things, or was this entire show totally bor­ing? I’m always guilty of Column A but I’m lean­ing toward Column B here.

Tomorrow: Anticlimactic results! Jordin Sparks and Katy Perry! Chris: “It’s a DREAM SHOW!”

I miss Matt G.

(And Elliott.)

3 comments to Welcome to my nightmare

  • Pieman

    Thanks for com­ing on back, Kim!

    I missed the first half of the show because of my son’s Little League game, but appar­ently I am much the bet­ter for miss­ing it.

    I arrived in time for the Queen’s first num­ber and couldn’t tell what he was singing. Thanks for telling me.

    I want to like Wee Tee, but Kanye West? Really? Whilst singing it, I turned to my wife and said it was pretty okay. Not awful, but noth­ing spe­cial. Then Randy/​Kara starts spout­ing how great it was and I was like “come on, I was lis­ten­ing and it was not and I like Kris and want him to win, dudes.”

    I am also glad I wasn’t the only one who noticed that Adam got out­sung by the backup singers on Cryin.

    Also, mes­morized by Randy’s glasses tonight. His eye­brows seemed to be in 3D, just jump­ing off the screen while attached to his blue glasses. I think I need to find some for myself!

    Welcome back, Kim!

  • jane

    Last night’s backup singer fiasco was clearly a plot to destroy Queen L. I WILL NOT BE TRICKED!

    Anyway, I really really really hate DWM and I also hate Kara. “You swung it out of the park.” Oh really? That is one pow­er­ful swing. Choke on it.

    I voted for Queen L and Kris and I don’t care if you know. The back­seat of my car is like a disco show.

  • Kim

    I voted for Queen L and Kris and I don’t care if you know. The back­seat of my car is like a disco show.”

    You light up my life and give me strength to carry on.