idol

It’s almost like a fairy tale story

Hey look, it’s Ben Stiller! He must have a movie to pro­mote. Bill Hader makes life worth liv­ing, but I fear this “com­edy inter­lude” is going on his per­ma­nent record. Kevin Bacon approves! Ugh, Blake Lewis sight­ing. Sighting where? WHERE is American Idol!

Let’s get the FORD MUSIC VIDEO! over with, shall we? There ain’t noth­ing gonna break these lads’ stride. Animation is involved. What real­ism! Even the car­toon ver­sion of DWM wears a smirk of self-​satisfaction.

Let’s wel­come noted home­wrecker Alicia Keys to tell us all about keep­ing African chil­dren alive. Won’t you please help? Only you can pro­vide the solace she needs to help her sleep at night.

This Rwandan kid is fly.

kenye_west

I hope he makes it to the Top 2! When I see Simon show love to the chil­dren, I feel bet­ter about the world. When I see Alicia Keys’ thighs, I feel bet­ter about myself.

Hey, Season 8 losers approve! As do I. Wait, was Matt G there? I don’t think I saw him! Snif.

ai09_dannygAh yes, Top 3 means home­town pack­ages. DWM is over­joyed to be reunited with his boyfriend from Auditions/​Hollywood. “Tragedy and tri­umph, that’s what it is.” Oh shut up. Make sure all crowds are arranged in front of the AT&T store, won’t you? Work up those tears, Hokey, there ya go. Anti-​Queen L sign indi­cates homo­pho­bia.

ai09_krisaWee T is back in Arrrr-​kansas. Apparently every child under 8 is there to cel­e­brate. Don’t miss that AT&T store! Wee T’s crowd could totally take DWM’s crowd. Let’s eaves­drop on the ten­der words of a father’s love. Holy shit, that’s a lot of peo­ple. Lack of anti-​Queen L signs indi­cates PRIDE, baby. Wee T really does seem like a decent dude.

Ai07 JordinHey look, Jordin Sparks! Remember her? Love feels like a bat­tle­field, see, which is a sim­ile and entirely dif­fer­ent from Pat Benatar’s metaphor. Psst: I rec­om­mend sup­port hose. What does it mean to feel like a bat­tle­field, any­way? That’s, like, ter­rain, not con­flict. Don’t salute with your left hand, woman. This is annoy­ing me far more than it should.

ai09_adamlI’m shocked that San Diego didn’t erupt in wild­fires when QUEEN L was there! He was there, and he was crotch­tac­u­lar. Is that an AT&T store? It is! Queen L is for the chil­dren. Queen L is for the Marines. It’s offi­cial: Queen L is a delight. (I prob­a­bly just jinxed him—oops.)

DWM bitches to Ryan about how he wants to get the results over with. Queen L: “I wanna see Katy Perry!” That’s right, he knows how to feed the machine. Don’t shit all over the spe­cial guest for your own mani­a­cal self-​interest, DWM, even if it is Katy Perry. It’s bad for busi­ness! This show is not about you!!! GOD.

Sadly, that means we actu­ally have to watch Katy Perry. She too is in the tank for Queen L. I can’t believe Chris is miss­ing out on this wedgiefest.

katy_wedgie

Eh, I tried.

We’re track­ing sun­shine! And a lit­tle girl bat­tles a rare neu­ro­log­i­cal dis­or­der. TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

Dim the lights, let’s start some fights. Who emerges unscathed from this war between megachurch­i­ness and those sin­ful, sin­ful demons that pos­sess man to lie down with makeup as with woman?! WHO?!

ai09_kris_finalWee T is safe! His father is about to rip his mother’s head off!

ai09_mattgMATT G SIGHTING! I think.

ai09_adam_finalQueen L is safe! There is jus­tice in this world! I can’t believe I just wrote that! That means (drum­roll please) …

ai09_danny_eliminationSlide out the Idol Arena on that smirk, DWM. There are no tears when he’s watch­ing him­self on the big big screen, no sir. Ugh, this dude is mono­ma­ni­a­cally nar­cis­sis­tic! It’s gross to watch! Aaaaaaaaand the DVR cuts out and I’m saved from what­ever the hell it is that Hokey was gonna blud­geon us with on his way out.

Can’t say I’m dis­ap­pointed. I love this show!

2 comments to It’s almost like a fairy tale story

  • Pieman

    I can’t believe I watched this whole stu­pid show. The Pens/​Caps game turned awful right off the bat and there was noth­ing else on my tele­vi­sion to dis­tract me from this show.

    My gra­vatar jinx did NOT kick in! Wee T in the finals!! Wooo! Okay, maybe I am not that excited, but Dead Wife Danny is done! Yay.

    Why no Up With People for the dudes? They can’t sign together?

    Is Katy Perry sup­posed to be a good singer? Because she didn’t sound very good. I don’t keep up with this new stuff. I lis­ten to Pandora all day at work and pro­gram it for all New Order/​Depeche Mode/​Ramones all day long. I don’t think I am miss­ing any­thing by not lis­ten­ing to Katy Perry, am I?

  • jane

    I still haven’t watched this. I may not. There is no way that it can live up to “the demons that pos­sess man to lie down with makeup as with woman?!”, so what’s the point?