Gaymonn and the Bride of Arkansas

Don’t stop believin’! I got fired from my job and the Kings got the fourth pick in the draft lot­tery, so I stopped believin’ a long time ago. These are the voices in the crowd that need to be heard—THESE are American Idol!

It is the bat­tle of the acoustic rocker vs. the glam rocker, says Ryan. That does not sound par­tic­u­larly … inter­est­ing. It all comes down to Kris and Adam. Sounds like the guy ver­sion of Therese and Isabelle to me, am I right peo­ple? And here they are! Dudes be wear­ing a lot of black. They bangs be piecey. Ryan be warn­ing me to set my DVR to go long tomorrow.

These ads make this per­for­mance finale seem rel­e­gated to “Glee” lead-​in sta­tus. How unfortunate.

ai09_adam_finalWee T won the toss (heyoo) so Queen L goes first. For his per­sonal choice he goes with “Mad World.” It is a mad world indeed when you see a grown man rock­ing the International Male trench in the year 2009. I am blinded by the (blue) light and the copi­ous dry ice smog. Restraint is a value, but I still think this is a laaaaame choice. Randy gives him an A+ for Adam, dude, A for Adam. Kara beats every­one over the head with her words words words. Anthony Hopkins approves! Paula is unbe­liev­ably proud, it’s unbe­liev­able. DWM approves! Matt G is wear­ing a hat! Simon is show­ing molto chestery. Simon reads him about the International Male trench and dry ice for he is wise. Queen L: “They told me they had dry ice!” How could he not use it? Delightful.

ai09_kris_finalKris’ per­sonal pick is “Ain’t No Sunshine.” Ooh, I hope he’s as cre­ative with the lyrics this time, too!

Leno sun­shy wayshigoan
Anus south shoe say no ohm
Ainy tie she go huh-​ay, oh-​ho, yeah.

YES. I am not dis­ap­pointed. I must note he is being sen­si­tive at a piano wear­ing a sen­si­tive man vest and sen­si­tive (crazy-​cool) medal­lions. His teenage bride approves! Randy says this is the funny thing about you man is I know the kind of artist you are, or some­thing. Kara talks about inti­mate bonds and mur­der. Paula’s spirit has been awak­ened by his Allenizing trade­mark and true mark­ing of a great artist. Simon does his “I didn’t like you and I was wrong” crap. He says Kris won “round one.” Anoop approves!

ai09_adam_finalQueen L was born by the river in a lit­tle tent. Yes, it is the producer’s pick and a change is going to come. Remember: the Civil Rights Movement was impor­tant. He’s wear­ing a kd lang cos­tume. Sam Harris that shit up! This is deep social com­men­tary on the issues that affect us today. Mmm, zesty! Randy says he sings his face off. Kara is an aural sledge­ham­mer. Apparently he used both sides of him­self. Paula does the lasso and Chris is instantly on boob watch. Simon is into it. Queen L blows kisses to the crowd. It’s game on, or dare I say Gaymonn.

ai09_kris_finalDid Ryan just call Wee T the Bride of Arkansas? It’s the producer’s pick and Wee T would like to know what’s goin’ on. I should note he is uti­liz­ing the acoustic gui­tar. Who knew this song was so cheer­ful and bouncy? Oops, I don’t think that’s nec­es­sar­ily inten­tional. This is rather messy! Randy is like you know what’s crazy man we got our­selves a real live dual com­pe­ti­tion but it’s a lit­tle light for me, know what I’m sayin’. Kara makes ges­tures at her boobs when she says “uplift.” Paula knows what’s goin’ on: He tore that song up! Uh. Hmm. Simon is imag­in­ing Kris in a bed­room with his boyfriends. I’m confused.

Was an inno­cent woman con­victed of the Cottonwood bus crash? The FOX 9 Investigators uncover over­looked evi­dence: TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

ai09_adam_finalIn the world of American Idol Season 8 and the mind of Kara DioGuardi, there are no bound­aries and AHHH WHAT ON EARTH IS QUEEN L WEARING. That is a scroll­down night­mare if ever I have seen one. Seriously, what are those pants made out of? Can you han­dle the emo­tion on his face? Can you?! I won­der what Lil’ Rounz would think of that line about hur­ri­canes. Kara, was that on pur­pose? This is shrieky and off the rails and ack and yet I can­not imag­ine what Wee T would be able to do with a bom­basto song such as this. Randy is look you know for me dude, you know. Kara is moved and proud and blah blah. Queen L kisses up. Adjectives are fail­ing Paula. Simon is all inter­na­tional super­star blah blah.

ai09_kris_finalWee T, there are no bound­aries. I should note he is sans instru­ment. This is a way more net­work drama theme song ver­sion and some­how it makes more sense? Weird? Did he for­get lyrics in there some­place? Was he actu­ally bet­ter than Queen L on this shitty song? Randy is like blah blah, Kara is like blah blah, Paula is like blah blah, Simon is like Kris look blah blah, it’s all that “you should be proud of what you’ve accom­plished and to be stand­ing here on this stage tonight you’ve come a long way blah blah.” What pusses.

kellie_underwoodNow let’s wel­come Carrie Underwood in a Motley Crue glit­ter T-​shirt to sing us home sweet home! Or at least through this montage.

Believe it or not I would be equally fine with either guy win­ning and not in the Season 7 sense. I dunno what hap­pened, but some­where along the line I learned to love. Idol, you can do magic. See you tomorrow!

4 comments to Gaymonn and the Bride of Arkansas

  • jane

    Gaymonn! Thank you.

  • Pieman

    That last song was bru­tal for both of them. I think the Gokey vot­ers will get behind the Wee Tiny Man and Kris Allen will bring home the title! Yay. Does it even mat­ter who wins any­more? I am run­ning on fumes here for this show and I don’t know if I can take two more hours (or more) tonight. Please tell me how it goes, Kim.

  • OM[f]G… with[out] even see­ing Jane[s] com­ment… “Gaymonn”… is pure bril­l­l­l­l­l­l­liance! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH [i love it!] and i love u!!! xo xo :el fano:

  • Tammy


    Thanks for your help tur­d­ing up the turd pol­ish­ing con­test that IS the Idol Original Song.

    Better Turd Polisher = Kris

    well, this par­tic­u­lar turd, anyway