idol

Queenmania!

Kimberley Locke! Joely Fisher! The One and Only Janice Dickinson. Don’t you dare try to tell me the stars aren’t out tonight. How I will miss these dra­matic spin­ning cam­era speedup s-​l-​o-​w-​d-​o-​w-​n speedup intro pack­ages. (No I won’t.) It’s the fam­ily hour, Ryan is dressed like an under­taker, and it’s time to do this. What is this? THIS is American Idol!

Our fair final­ists, Wee T and Queen L, are dressed in the whitest of whites.

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This show is racist! It’s the Two of a Kind intro all over again. Remember how fun that was last year? This year, it’s for­ti­fied with extra gay—

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—I mean, extra excite­ment.

Randy is dressed in his Uncle Ben finest.

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Braaaaaains. Kara and Paula are kit­ted out for an Alexis-​Krystle bat­tle royale, sans shoul­der pads. Simon? The usual.

Someone fix the dudes’ mics, dammit! We know what that means: immi­nent lip­sync­ing. Is it wrong of me to covet Queen L’s boots?

Mikalah is LIVE in Conway, Arkansas! She has turned into a blowup doll ver­sion of her­self. She attempts to get a child to say some­thing, but the poor thing is too ter­ri­fied to speak.

Barfly Carfly is LIVE in San Diego, California! She will let no one share her mic. No one.

Up With People is once again 13 strong. “So What” indeed. They wanna start a fight, eh? Someone out there must be read­ing these things, I swear. Matt G and his hat bring joy to my life. Sweet home Alabama, have I not missed the sight of Airport ’77 bounc­ing around awk­wardly. The cam­era can’t get enough of him! I think that’s just to spite me. Jasmine: Ugh, just go away, go away for­ever. That was not as thrilling as I would have hoped. You’re let­ting me down, Idol.

Ladies and gen­tle­men, David Cook. The vest means busi­ness, but the belt means rock and roll. Look out, America! I don’t know what the lip­gloss means, how­ever. Black arm­band, yes, you’re griev­ing, we get it. Dude is still insuf­fer­able, and he’s still not hot. NONE of these things are OK. I hope Los Bros Manning are here to make up for this gross­ness, but I know I will live to be disappointed.

Justin Guarini and Michael Johns, you are both fright­fully unat­trac­tive. Also, I HATE THE STUPID FAKE AWARD MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE BULLSHIT well at least it gives me some­thing to skip over and type dur­ing BUT STILL. HATE.

queen_crotchLil’ Rounz is once again com­pletely unrec­og­niz­able. Queen Latifah looks more like her than she does. Queen L (holy shit, syn­ergy!) is wear­ing an unfor­tu­nate cat­suit. I guess they don’t make Spanx that elim­i­nate cameltoe.

Anoop is a dash­ing vision of unshaven magic.

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Insincere Bitch is still an insin­cere bitch. Let’s wel­come Jason Mraz to the stage, ladies and gen­tle­men! Try not to get too excited.

Wee T and Keith Urban are gonna kiss a girl. What? Let me tell you some­thing: Keith Urban makes me uncomfortable.

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I don’t know what it is, it’s like he’s Elliott Smith’s ass­hole jock older brother or some­thing, like who would put him through copi­ous ado­les­cent humil­i­a­tions such as wed­gies and Snicker snags. I like his sparkly gui­tar strap, though.

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Don’t you think Wee T and Wee K are a lit­tle in love with each other? Nicole and the teenage bride bet­ter watch out for their mens.

pink_ladyOur Top 5 ladies are glam­orous and flossy, flossy. Divorced Mom’s out­fit may top any­thing Haley ever wore, my God.

Soooo pink. I look at that and all I can think is “Body Fuzion,” if only to take my mind off how ter­ri­fy­ing her out­fit is.

Did your kid dress you? Honestly, woman. WTF. If you look undig­ni­fied next to Insincere Bitch, guess what: You are undig­ni­fied.

I bet you never thought an Oompa Loompa could wear a ban­dage dress and heels, but you’d be wrong—yes, we’ve wel­comed Fergie to the stage, ladies and gen­tle­men. She says big girls don’t cry, but I sure do when I’m con­fronted by her hor­ri­fy­ing puffed out face.

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Holy shit, that’s some seri­ous ugly. Here come her car­toon super­hero “rap-​singing-​band” com­pa­tri­ots to “save” us! Black Eyed Peas power, ACTIVATE. Look, they even brought their danc­ing zebra slave peo­ple with them. Cutaway to the Idol logo—did some­body make a swear? Or did Fergie pee on herself?

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Oof, I’d pee myself too, man. That’s frickin’ ter­ri­fy­ing. But you know what’s really scary?

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Dead Wife Man’s crotch cleav­age. You’re wel­come.

This Bikini-​Kara seg­ment is just sad and I can’t be bothered.

Allison is dressed for the ‘80s prom. Cyndi Lauper, ladies and gen­tle­men! How is it that she annoys me less now than she did then? Oops, spoke too soon, there she goes with the uh-​yuh-​yuh spas­tic nonsense.

Hello, DWM, is it he you’re look­ing for? He doesn’t deserve Lionel Richie, if that’s what this is lead­ing up to. He should be reen­act­ing the video with Airport ’77, dammit. SAVE US, LIONEL! Chris is over the moon with hap­pi­ness. “Lionel is very gra­cious,” he notes.

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international_lionelHe’s also wear­ing an out­fit straight from the archives of International Male—it’s like some­one took the Opera and Times Square looks and put ‘em in a blender.

Chris is sorely dis­ap­pointed the ver­sion of “All Night Long” is not the 20-​minute-​long ver­sion from the 1984 Olympics. I am not, as even one minute of DWM is one minute too many.

Queen L and Kiss, ladies and gen­tle­men! I know a visit from Kiss is immi­nent, because Queen L is singing “Beth” and wear­ing some kind of Angels in America by way of Starlight Express by way of Mad Max getup.

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Yes, that really hap­pened. He and the boys will be play­ing all night, indeed.

this_really_happenedHey look, here they are! Remember: Kiss will do any­thing for a buck—ANYTHING. Dramatic entrance involv­ing hydraulics. PYRO. Detroit Rock City! Rock and Roll All Night! Yes, that really hap­pened. So did that. And that. And that. The three-​way split screen with flames up either side makes me lose my shit like you wouldn’t believe. It brings to mind a lit­tle tune by Television Personalities, and it’s called “Now You’re Just Being Ridiculous.” (Hope you had fun with Keith Urban, Wee T!)

Shoes by: Carlos Santana. Matt G’s got a black magic hat—er, woman. Queen L gets cre­ative with the lyrics to “Smooth”—hence, he has seven inches in the mid­day sun. Scandalamity! Is that all the solo Matt G gets? Really? Really. That was like 15 sec­onds!!! With Shoes by: Carlos Santana, for cry­ing out loud. I have once again earned the right to be PISSED.

Hey look, a Ford Music Video! This is not the “I Will Remember You” I’m used to. Let’s look back at some spe­cial moments from past Ford Music Videos. This is also like 15 sec­onds long. Where did the magic go, Ford Music Videos? Why must Idol deprive me of those things I love most?

Steve Martin, Divorced Mom, and Oil Rig Roughneck. The less said about this—

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—yeah, we can let Mr. Martin’s face tell that story.

So there’s this ad for I think it’s called G Force, right, and it’s like the G stands for GERBILS, I think, and these ger­bils are sassy and ani­mated and hang out with Zach Galifianakis and solve crimes, I think. So this ad starts and I go, “I hope those ger­bils start break­danc­ing” and sure enough THEY DO. I know entertainment.

Do you think Oil Rig Roughneck is sexy? Do you? How about DWM? We all think Anoop is sexy, cor­rect? Bring it, Anoop. Chris: “Smoothest man on the stage.” You said it! Matt G, I want you to wear hats for­ever and always. Do it for me, won’t you? Look me up when you’re in town, I’ll take you shop­ping. For hats. Ugh, Poolboy, you are dis­gust­ing me with your body-​rubbing hand move­ments that are rub­bing your body. Now let’s cleanse our palate (and our sooouls) by wel­com­ing Mr. Rod Stewart to the stage, ladies and gentlemen.

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Queen L’s mom approves! Speaking of “really shows your age,” HD is not kind to the lovely Mr. Stewart. At least he’s not had any obvi­ous work done, Mr. Lionel Richie. Let’s hope this brings the tar­tan din­ner jacket back. That is a hot look (and I am not being sar­cas­tic). Bo Butt approves! So do Nicole Richie and Good Charlotte Richie. Richies: They’re every­where.

Queen L and Wee T: You are the cham­pi­ons. And to drive that point home, here’s Queen, by which I mean 50% of Queen by my stub­born recognition/​lack thereof. (I used to have the biggest crush on John Deacon. Weird. I know.)

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Everyone must touch Brian May. Shit, I’d do that too if I was up there. It’s a cav­al­cade of past con­tes­tants! Thank good­ness the direc­tor doesn’t bother to actu­ally show us their faces—that would make too much sense. Chris: “Where’s Mr. Huff? Where’s Chikezie!?” Who was there? We may never know. If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that we are in the pres­ence of Queens. They’re every­where! I sense a theme.

A Minnesota mother’s story moves peo­ple around the world. (Like a train? An air­plane? What?) How a baby with a bro­ken heart spread so much love—TONIGHT on the FOX 9 News at 9!

It’s results time! Queen L is decked out in a deli­cious Klaus Nomi/​Mommie Dearest blazer and brooch, but it is all for naught, as our new American Idol is none other than the one my mom calls “that lit­tle hay­seed,” Wee T!

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Well, no shit. Wee T is agog, appalled, and mute with per­plex­ity. Chris: “He’s going to have to start believ­ing in him­self sooner or later.” Now sing that crappy song!

Pieman, you and your gra­vatar must be so proud. Maybe I’m get­ting soft in my old age, but it’s rather sweet to see two final­ists who a) appear to gen­uinely like each other and b) focus more on being in the moment and less on being the last one standing.

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Get a room, you two! They’re like the anti-​David/​David. Ugh, those dudes took them­selves soooo frig­ging seri­ously. Like, imag­ine a DWM-​Lil’ Rounz finale. How painful would that be? I must have light­ened up toward the end of this thing out of sheer relief and gratitude.

I did get a lit­tle sad at the end when Wee T was hug­ging his teenage bride, though. I swear they were prob­a­bly say­ing “Shit, our lives are over.”

Compare this finale to last year’s, right? Woof. Last year’s was like the pin­na­cle of sub­lime and ridon­cu­lous. Remember Billy Crystal and Miley Cyrus? The Teri Hatcher Band? A cast of thou­sands dozens of “celebri­ties” lip­sync­ing some chip­per song like “Build Me Up Buttercup” or what­ever? George Michael?! Dude, you can’t recover from George Michael. Kiss, what­ever, they’ll whore them­selves out for any­thing. Lionel Richie: Delightful, but unsur­pris­ing. Queen? Sorry, that’s half of Queen. Half of the Who is still more Who than half of Queen is Queen. Do the math!

Worse still: no Elliott, hardly any Matt G (for shame), no Los Bros Manning, no sur­prise appear­ance by Tim Roth of the FOX break­out hit Lie to Me, no Kelly Clarkson, and noth­ing that made me com­pletely cringe and hide and say good Lord, what were they think­ing? Except the bikini thing. That’s close, but there were boobs involved, and boobs can be explained.

But who were we really miss­ing? Yeah, you know who.

Sigh. That’s the end, Idol. Until next year!

4 comments to Queenmania!

  • pieman

    Our satel­lite was non-​functional until Queen (the band) hit the stage, so I only saw the end. My gra­vatar and I are pleased that Wee T won and Matt is still sport­ing the hat. Thanks for all the recaps and snark­i­ness all sea­son, Kim. It really is the high­light of watch­ing this show!

  • Pieman

    Hey, who’s play­ing bass in One Half-​Queen (tm Kim) now?

  • Tammy

    It’s going to be really hard to top this sea­son. Great job, Hobbit Wee T.

    Was George Huff in the Queen num­ber? I’m going to HAVE to fig­ure that out!

  • jane

    That dudeshare_​blue photo really warms my heart.