I’m spin­ning around, move out of my way

Modern devel­op­ments I have trou­ble com­pre­hend­ing:
311 and their cover of “Love Song.” What, are they Dashboard Confessional now? Or was Dashboard Confessional per­haps unavail­able to record this in the first place? And where’s that guy who goes YingiddyBingiddyGingiddyDingiddy through half their songs? Is he just on the remix? I’m con­fused.
Kanye West’s cho­ruses of magic helium-​sucking midgets. Or maybe they’re chip­munks? They’re chip­munks, right? Pixies? Sprites? Dwarves? I don’t know, but I just don’t want to hear any more of them, I really don’t.
“Passions” and its magic reset but­tons and mind-​erasing tools. OK, in the course of one episode, Whitney is MAGICALLY back together with Chad and his bad Eric Benét makeover and all is for­given? Fox is no longer think-​talking every other sec­ond about how much he loves Whitney (who is not only the Woman He Loves but also the Woman of His Dreams and His Secret True Love) because he’s now madly in love with Theresa? Theresa has some­how devel­oped an anti-​Ethan gene after YEARS of care­ful audi­ence hyp­no­sis to the con­trary? Oh, you can’t be seri­ous. Gwen almost gets killed by Beth after almost get­ting killed by Beth dur­ing a mael­strom of sus­pi­cion about Beth and the Evil Beth Has Most Likely Probably Possibly Done, and yet she sus­pects that this time it was … Theresa. Oh good, let’s go down that road again while we “take it to the next level” of improb­a­bil­ity as to how Luis and Sheridan are going to be sep­a­rated … FOREVER. Oh for butt’s sake. Next they’ll send Kay and her baby on safari in Kenya so Charity and Miguel can get back together and Reese will end up get­ting it on with, I don’t know, how about Hank. Actually, that last one just might work. Butt please, I got bored of Sheridan in the men­tal hos­pi­tal and I get bored when­ever Sheridan and Luis are doing it, but when Sheridan and Luis were doing it in the men­tal hos­pi­tal, that was pure tele­vi­sion gold and a shin­ing exam­ple of how to put on a show. Now I am this­close to no longer car­ing because they’ve sud­denly put on the brakes and switched gears to a) stale old plots and b) new plots that make no sense WITHOUT RESOLVING ANYTHING AT ALL. If they’re gonna drag old stuff back out again, why not have a por­tal to Hell open up some­place, that’s always a good time.
Linds@y Loh@n, who is appar­ently Fr@nkie Muniz in drag.
Commercials for dia­pers that will hug my baby’s sexy, sexy curves and dyna­mite ass. I give up.

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